Family. Family. And more family.

I love all the Christmas things that go on here. I think that every night this week we've had some form of family round, or been to someone's house. I am so fortunate that almost all of my extended family live in Harrogate and especially over Christmas we make a big deal of getting together as much as we can.

When we're together we generally eat and drink and eat and drink some more. And then drink some more and eat some more. Maybe go for a walk inbetween to work up an appitite for dinner! And I love it. Every minute of it.

But with such a close knit family, it has made it so much harder to bare now that there's a crack in it. It is so painful that we are not all together anymore. We're not an even number now. And there are so many wounds that show no signs of healing. Everything that's gone on this year with my family has been so much more pronounced at Christmas and the pain just keeps going on and on. It seems so unfair.

Even though it doesn't affect me directly, the whole thing is hurting us all. And I, as always, wish there was something I could do to fix things. I hate it that most of the problems around me don't have a 'quick fix' solution. Either the answer is long and drawn out and takes alot of time and paitence, or I don't even have a clue where to begin looking for an answer.

Life is so complicated. I wish I were 8 years old again. Then the most complicated thing in my life was whether to wear my blue skirt or my red skirt for dinner at Grandma's.
Time and patience. Two things I am very much lacking.

The Disney Gospel

Did everyone have a good Christmas day? I hope it wasn't too stressful/drunken/boring/argementative etc etc. I had a lovely day, and perhaps for the first time in my life, I didn't eat too much and feel like a stuffed pig all evening!

One thing I got from my parents which I love and think is so perfect for me is a good called 'The Gospel According to Disney. Faith, trust and Pixie dust.' How cool does that sound! It's written by a Jewish man who's exploring the place of religion, morals, and magic in Disney films. I haven't read very much of it yet, but it's very good. He talks about how Walt Disney deliberately didn't include any overt religious message because he wanted to make sure that his films didn't exclude anyone.

And that's where magic comes in. Disney films have very clear morals, they are heavily based on Judeo-Christian values, but there is no divine, there is no God, there are no 'religious' people. But there is magic. And magic is something that is universal. The problem is that when Walt decided to place magic at the heart of his films, he did cut some people off. And there are alot of people that have a big problem with the make-believe and fantasy world that his characters live in.

One of the quotes in the book is as follows: "magic is an attempt to manipulate spiritual forces so that the supplicant gets what he or she wants, whereas in pure religion the individual surrenders to spiritual forces so that those forces (i.e. God) can do through him or her what those forces desire." And for alot of people, this is a problem.

However, as manipulative as magic may be, that's kind of the point. It is magical. It is unreal. It is fantasy. The book says "magic becomes a way to empower the powerless". And then as I started to think about it, I realised this is so true. The stories and characters of a Disney film give something to children. They give them a feeling of strength and of courage. Good always triumphs in a Disney film. The good guy always wins. There is always a happy ending. And children, and in fact anyone who watches the film, can bring this into their real lives.

I don't really think that this blog has a particular point, it's just a bunch of thoughts I have on one of my favourite subjects. I'm liking this book, I think it's going to be really good, and I appologise in advance if I bore you all silly with my opinions on it!

I do hope you all had good Christmases. Do keep in contact with me! x x x

I never saw blue like that before.

Well, I think it is official, and most people would agree. I have crossed the line and lost it completely. I am watching Dawson's Creek and I have just had to dry my eyes because it made me cry. Go on, I don't mind, you can point and laugh. I would be pointing and laughing at myself if I didn't still have wet eyes.

But you see the thing is, I love Dawson's Creek. Not just becasue it is mindless entertainment that I can watch at the same time as chatting to people on MSN on a lazy Sunday that just happens to be Christmas Eve. But it's something more than that. I never watched Dawson's Creek like every other 14 year old I knew and I hated that. It was a paradox for me because I never wanted to be in the 'popular' group at school, I hated those girls because they would make you feel like you'd commited the worst social faux pas just for walking down a corridor. I hated that. But at the same time I always wanted to watch the programs that they did, and wear make-up like they did, and have the latest fashions like they did.

Anyway, I made it through secondary school even though I didn't get a weekly dose of Dawson's Creek, and in Peru it just so happened to be the program that was on at lunch time when we were back at home in between whatever we were doing. And that was it, I was addicted from then on. Dawson's Creek was my 'English fix' as well as my 'chill out' for whenever things were really stressing me out.

And so I say, without any trace of shame, that I love Dawson's Creek. It's so unrealistic that it makes me want to be there. Remember, I'm an escapist. And somehow the story-lines of Dawson's Creek give me something. I like to wrap myself up in their lives, maybe because they are so different from mine. And in some ways they are similar to mine. I like that for some reason.

So there we go, my little explanation of just why I am such a loser.
Next time something makes you smile or makes you feel happy, think about just why becasue I truely believe that there is a loser inside all of us!

Gutted Matt...

Matt so should have won Strictly Come Dancing!
Obviously Mark is an excellent dancer and he's done really well and I'm really happy for Karen etc etc...

But Matt is just so adorable and I think his and Lilia's last dance was way better than Mark and Karen's.

But then I wasn't one of the 12million people who phoned in so I guess I can't really object!
12 million votes! That's incredible. 20% of the population! Unbelievable.

Anyway, well done Mark. Gutted for Matt.
It's Christmas Eve tomorrow, feels like it snuck up quite quietly!

All I want for Christmas....

.... is to get out of your stupid shop.

I HATE Christmas shopping. And I am, of course, aware that in today's society that makes me worse than Scrouge. But really, I hate it. I hate the pressure of finding good presents for people who seem to me to have everything they could possibly want/need/really not want. I hate how crowded town is at Christmas. I hate having to chose between a whole shelf-full of bubblebath/jam/necklaces/whatevers that all look the same to me. I hate how rude other people are at Christmas time, it's like everyone suddenly becomes ultra-selfish. Probably because they too hate Christmas shopping. I hate how many 'gangs' of emos there are in Harrogate. And perhaps most of all I hate the Christmas music CDs they play in shops. No matter how 'cool' he manager may think he is, I am NOT interested in hearing a dodgy 'rock and roll' version of O Come All Ya Faithful sung by fifty 7 year old primary kids.

I mean it's not that I don't like buying people presents, admittedly I am rubbish at thinking of good presents for people, but I do like getting people gifts. I like surprising people (when I finally come up with a good idea) and I like the thought that people own things that I have given them. But I hate Christmas shopping. And that upsets me becasue it's not what Christmas shopping should be about, it should be about getting lovely things for the people you love as a way of showing them that you love them. Why then do I find it sooooo horrible? I almost had a panic attack in the queue in Woolworths today and I always breathe a big sigh of relief when I actually get out of a shop. Strange.

Anyway. I have finished it all now so I just have to wrap it all up. Yay. Another one of my FAVOURITE past-times. And unfortunately one which I don't massively agree with, as tight-fisted as it may sound, wrapping paper is all just a waste of money, time and paper to me. We must use tons of paper as a nation of Christmas. Such a waste because I bet most of it doesn't get recycled. And it's only actually on the presents for a few days at most. It would be better just to blindfold the person you're giving a gift to and then whip off the blindfold when you put the present in their hand. Much better for the environment.

Ah well. Enough mumblings and grumblings from a grumpy, tired and boring old sod. I'm going to bed now. And just for the record, I have wrapped all my presents up, I'm not that mean!
Merry Christmas everyone.

Nearly there.

Well, I am happy to report that I'm feeling a little better today (though I'm fairly sure that's because I'm drugged up to my eyeballs with Lemsip/paracetemol/hot blackcurrant!) and I have ALMOST finished my essays. Yay. Woo. I cannot wait for tomorrow when my marmee is coming to take me shopping.

I read recently on a blog that this person was wishing they could just get on with their life instead of feeling like they were waiting for it all to start. It's funny they should say that because I often feel like that, and I would never have expected this person to feel like that. I sometimes wonder what I am doing with my life, and where I'm going and why. Questions like why am I at university? Why am I studying a course that I enjoy but most likely won't get me a job? Why can't I get married next week? Why am I allowing myself to live such a privilaged life when there's so much I could do to help other people? Sometimes I hate that I have everything I need and want. Mostly I hate it because I know I take it for granted.

I once heard a definition of maturity that I think is very profound. Maturity is the ability to live with the unknown. And yesterday on the Scrubs episode I was watching, Dr Cox told JD that fear is good because it stops you from becoming a crappy doctor, you just have to not let it paralyse you. Both of these bits of advice are very good in answering my questions above. I will never know what is going to happen in 5 hours let alone in 5 years time and sometimes I think it's just better to stop asking questions about the unknown. Because that's the point isn't it, its unknown.

A fear of the future is good, as long as it doesn't paralyse you.
Uncertainty is good, as long as you can live with it and not run away from it.

My life has begun, your life has begun. As long as you're taking air into your lungs, you life has begun. So I guess my point is that we should try to avoid this feeling of waiting for life to start, of waiting for something to happen. Life is what you make of it today, not what you wish could happen tomorrow.

I should take my own advice more often!

Bring on the Lemsip...

Grrrrrr to my body. That's all I have to say today. Why did it have to give up on me now. Seriously, what is it's problem?! Two days more. That's all I needed. Just TWO DAYS TO FINISH MY ESSAYS. I mean come on! It's not hard! I'm not even saying I can't get ill, JUST NOT YET.

RRRAAAAGGGGHHHH.

I dragged my aching, shivering self down to the library to work this morning, managed to stay there for two whole hours which is pretty impressive. And then by the time I got back I felt horrendous. Had a bath, which by the way is the most annoying bath in the entire galaxy because you have to put the hot tap at EXACTLY the right position in order to actually get hot water out. Stupid thing. I boiled a few kettles to help it along.

So the bath was wonderful in the end, felt amazing. All the achiness just vanishes completely. Until you get out... and then BOOM it all comes back again. So now I've had a Lemsip, which hasn't helped at all and I'm about to start writing a 2000 word essay that counts for 50% of my module, which is 3% of this year, which is 0.9% of my entire degree. At least I think it is. And actually, if it's wrong PLEASE PLEASE don't tell me, I get so embarrassed when I do maths wrong.

I want to go to bed. But then I don't because I couldn't sleep last night anyway.
Grrr.
And this is my 100th post too, shouldn't have written something nice..... Oooh, I said Happy Christmasa to the fairies in the tree outside Mary's and they were happy to see me, so that's nice. They haven't gone underground yet which I'm quite surprised about because it's suddenly got very very cold.
Anyway. Happy thoughts.

Kat and Helen's Adventure.

Once upon a time in a beautiful but frightfully cold city called Durham, there were two girls called Kat and Helen. They lived in a lovely house with three other lovely people, but because it was he beginning of the holidays, all the other girls had already gone home to their mummies and daddies. Now today was a special day for Helen because it was the day that she was going to go home to her mummy and daddy. So when she got up in the morning she started to pack all her clothes and books and toys into a bag to take on the train. She was very excited about going on the train again. As the things went into her bag, one after another, Helen realised that she wasn't going to fit everything in this one bag. So she had to get another one. And then another one after that! Helen had a lot of things to take home!!!

The two girls checked that Helen had everything she needed for going home and then they had lunch. After lunch they got ready to take all Helen's things to the train station. It looked quite complicated and they tried a few times to pick everything up before they were both happy with what they were holding. But Helen hadn't realised that her suitcase was so heavy and so she had to ask Kat to help her to pull it up the big steep hill. When they got to the top of the hill they both had very red faces and were struggling to breathe! But it was alright because the way was downhill from then on. Well, almost all the way from then...

Even going downhill wasn't all easy. Kat decided to carry the big bag on her hips because she said that girls are made to carry things on their hips, not on the end of their arms, otherwise they would grow babies on their fingers! Helen thought this was very funny, but later, when she carried the bag on her hip she realised that Kat had been right. It was much easier! Helen's suicase kept getting caught up with lots of leaves and it kept falling over the paving stones that weren't straight. It was very frustrating! But they made it to the bottom of the hill with plenty of time to spare.

Kat carried the big suitcase all the way to the top of the steps in one go and by the time they arrived at the station platform they were both tired out! They had a rest before getting ready for the train to arrive. When it did, Kat helped Helen to put her things on the train before standing well back to wave Helen goodbye. Once the train had pulled out of the platform, Kat walked all the way back up the hill for her tea.

What an adventure!

One down... Three to go...

I managed to make myself write yesterday, and then, miraculously, I kept on writing, and writing, and writing until I finished the essay that I had started. A very good day's work. Onto the next one today!

Everyone is going home soon, it feels very strange that this is it, term 1 of year 2 is (almost) officially over. "Time flys when you're having fun". I always used to wish it was the other way round because I hated how slow time went when I was bored, tired, scared or unhappy. I have always had a habit of taking 'mind photos'. When I'm doing something that I never want to end, I look really hard at it and try to take in every detail as if it were a photograph so I will never forget it.
It kind of half works, but memories always fade, that's in the very essence of a memory. Details always become blurred, sounds become muffled and smells almost alwasy disappear completely until you smell it again and then it's like whooshing through time back to the first time you remember that smell.
I know that I will leave here eventually with some of the happiest memories of my life. But it saddens me that memories are all I will be left with.

Oh dear, this wasn't supposed to be a sad blog. I am very excited about going home for Christmas, and my mum is coming up to Durham next week to take me shopping before we go home. So I'm actually really happy... my hands just took over and typed all that about memories! And I have just thought, a wonderful thing about memories is being able to share them with the people who remember the events also.
Anyway, the rain is LASHING at my window and the wind is literally howling... I am beginning to seriously consider just how important my 11am lecture is going to be...

You can do it....

...come on Kat. You can do it. All you have to do is close down facebook, resist signing onto MSN, open up Word and then close your eyes and type.
Oh no wait, don't close your eyes!
Grrr. Stupid essays.
Come on Kat. Write something!!!!

Meaning.

I know this has been covered so many times by so many people, but I want to write it anyway because for me at least it's something I try to think about and get right.
So, I wanted to write about Christmas. I mean why not? It's not that far away! Christmas means so many different things to each individual, and I think it would be good for everyone and anyone to look at the following list of questions about what Christmas is/should be...

What is 'Christmas' for you?

• A welcome break from a term of studies/a full time job/'normal' life?
• A couple of days of unbareable family traditions?
• A holiday that's too short, but wonderfully full of family and fun?
• A real test at your peacemaking skills when various bitter family members refuse to get on?
• The best food of the year?
• A chance to buy people you love something really nice and get excited about the new things you'll get?
• Too stressful in every way imaginable?
• The only time of the year you feel like you should go to church?
  
• Your favourite time of the year?
• Or something more...?
  

Ok then, so what about Jesus? Even the word Christmas has 'Christ' in it... who is Jesus?

• The grubby looking doll in the nativity in the shopping centre?
• A nice man who told us nice things to do in our life?
• A man who was able to do miracles?
• A good example?
• A nutter?
• Someone who allowed himself to be killed, which admittedly is admirable, but doesn't really achieve anything?
• Or something more...?

I love Christmas. I really do and I think it's my favourite time of the year. I love mince pies. I love Christmas lights. I love mulled wine. I love being with my family. I love the build up of advent calenders. I love singing carols. I love giving presents. I love getting up early on Christmas morning. I love sitting in piles of wrapping paper that you've just ripped off all the presents. I love decorating Christmas trees. I love the cold weather. I love Christmas.

But a few years ago, when I spent Christmas in Peru where they don't have anything like the number of traditions we have in England, I complained and felt totally 'un-Christmassy' because there were none of the things I've listed above. It wasn't a proper Christmas as far as I was concerned.

Until someone reminded me what Christmas is about. It is not about any of my favourite things. Sure those things make it fun, and make it special. But Christmas is all about Jesus. Regardless of who you think Jesus is, Christmas would not exist without him! And so I encourage you, whatever your beliefs or whatever you think about Christianity, or church, or Jesus. Think about what Christmas really is. Christmas is an amazing time of year because it's a celebration of God's amazing sacrifice. He sent Jesus into this world, this messed up, horrible world, so that he could die in our place and set us free from every wrong thing we've ever done. And in my mind, that's a million times more amazing than any amount of mince pies.

Burnt Out

I have given up.
Every three or four minutes I get distracted by something: my screen saver, tidying up, Palatinate, Facebook, staring out of the window just to make sure it looks exactly the same as it did three minutes ago...
I cannot concentrate.
In fact I don't want to concentrate.
Stupid work.

People frequently comment that because our terms are so short, we must be living 'doss' lives. We don't do any work, we just party all day and all night. It's easy to get a degree.
Rubbish.
I'm tired and my brain hurts from reading too much this term.
Stupid second year where everything counts. Be an eternal Fresher, that's what I say!

Roll on Christmas, I'm burnt out.

What do we want....??

RENT FREEZE
When do we want it?
NOW!!!

I figured loads of people would be writing about the protest this morning so I was going to be a little cautious about just spouting out the same stuff as everyone else.... but I just looked and I'm first so I can say what I like. Which, in reality, I probably would have done anyway.

So. Protest. This morning. Got up at 6.30am!!! And shouted about rent freeze and 33 week lets and poor students for two hours outside the Old Shire Hall. Why? You may well ask. I certainly was when the first word out of my mouth at 6.35am after 4 hours of sleep when I realised I'd overslept was certainly not 'yippee'. Well, to cut a long story short(-ish), Durham University is trying to push our residence charges up 10% when they've already gone up 51% in the last five years and are the highest charges in England. This on top of the fact that loans have only gone up 15%... something just don't add up there.

The protest was organised by the fantastic Mildert president (and no I'm not being disloyal to my college, this is the truth, the Mary's president did nothing but walk away) and I reckon there must have been a couple of hundred people... from Mildert mostly, only one other college president in this whole university bothered to email their college telling them of the situation. Which is absolutely and rediculously out of order, but that's not what I wanted to write about.

It got me thinking this morning, and in my lecture this afternoon when we were talking about revolutionist movements that started in universities in South America, about what it is that drives people to make a stand on something. Why did people travel all the way to London to protest on the situation in Iraq? Why do so many people protest about environmentally friendly power station? Or renewable energy? Or worldwide AIDS treatment? Or Fairtrade products? Or the freeing of prisoners?

Or maybe my question should be, why don't people?

I so very nearly didn't go this morning. I thought it was a stupid idea to get up so damn early for something I didn't think I could ever have an effect on. And I didn't really think that I cared. How shameful is that?! How dare I have such a view when perhaps one of the reasons I'm even in university, allowed to vote and given the opportunities I am is because so many people before me stood in protests for hours, shouted till their voices were sore and risked being arrested for what they believed was right. How dare I turn around and say 'nah, I'd rather stay in bed.' ?!

I think we live in an age where people don't care. And I know that's a very blanket statement. And not entirely true: alot of people do care. Alot of people do fight. And alot of what goes on doesn't affect everyone in the same way. But I really think our society needs a kick up the bum. Things do affect us, maybe not today, but tomorrow, next year, when we're 50, when our children are 20, when their children are 20... We are not individuals, we are a community, what we do, (or don't do) does affect other people.

I had my eyes opened today I think. I need to care more. And fight more. Because I am one of the lucky few in the world who actually can.

I'm Back!!!!!

Hey hey hey. Did you all miss me? Yeah I'm sure you did! I have had a wonderful weekend in Center Parcs with my entire extended family and it was just lovely. So fun and relaxing and exactly the same as it is every year. That's one of the best parts about it! But, now I'm in the real world. And I have a question for you, and I really would like answers please! In fact I have two things requiring answers, but one is only silly. This is serious... Someone said to me recently that escapism will only take you so far... and my question is this, is that true? Because obviously I know that when escapism becomes the reality rather than reality itself then there is a problem. But escapism, the silent and individual joy of slipping into another world, or pretending that things are not the way they are in whatever shape or form, I don't think that ever can go too far. Imagining things into reality is a way of life for me. I constantly dream myself into or out of different situations and of course I understand the concerns with leaving reality behind, maybe that's what this person meant. But I really can't see that escapism is bad. If it makes you feel good, how can it be? (Within sensible reason obviously!) It's just an active imagination being put to use!

Anyway, my second purpose of this blog, I have something of a quiz... all the following songs (one line of which is written) have something in common... ten points to the person who gets it first:
"If I lay here, if I just lay here, would you lie with me and just forget the world"
"I'm Luke, I'm five and my Dad's Bruce Lee"
"Now most people think of heaven, and they see those pearly gates"

That's it, I'll give you an easy one if no-one can get it!
Enjoy. xxx

Flustered.

Well, seems that some of you found out some things about me from my last post that you didn't know before! But anyways, I'm sure there'll always be things that not everyone knows, it's better that way.

So. I don't have very much exciting news today. I am going to Center Parcs tomorrow, something that I just cannot convey the excitement for. I can hardly contain myself I am so excited. I keep squealing and jumping up and down. This is my favourite weekend of the entire year... and this year Tim is coming too. I can't think of anything better.

But that wasn't what I wanted to say really. I wanted to comment on something of my personality that I find quite rediculous and funny. I guess that to begin with it's a funny thing to find yourself funny but never mind, we shan't dwell on that. The thing is that I sometimes get very flustered and everything seems wrong or 'vexing'. Twice in the past few days I've suddenly gotten myself all flustered and worked up. Today I got back from my lectures having been out all day and I was windswept and cold, ad my hair was a mess and my trousers were wet and muddy round the bottom and I was cross because I don't ever like those trousers and now I know why. And then I couldn't get my jumper off because it was too tight and I was too hot and in the end I just crumpled on the floor on the landing and declared I was staying there all evening. Which I would have done but Heather stood on me!!! :(

The reason I'm saying this is purely because I think it's funny. I get all worked up and then nothing is right and I can't make it right and I get cross and then I stamp my feet and I moan and complain... and none of it is real I think it's just my way of, well I don't know what of really! It's just an oddity of me!

I'll let you all know how my weekend goes! Be safe, be happy and don't get flustered!

FORTY FIVE MINUTES LATER!!!!

Full Name:: Katherine Joy Yarborough
Birthday:: 19th September
Birthplace:: Macclesfield
Eye Color:: Blue/green/grey
Hair Color:: Dark blondish/brown
Height:: 5'7''
Weight:: 9stone
Right handed or Left handed?: left
Your Heritage:: British
My Worst Habit:: picking my fingernails.
Zodiac Sign:: Virgo
Shoe Size:: 6
Pants Size:: 8
Innie or Outie?: Innie
Parents Still Together?: Yes
The Shoes You Wore Today:: Black boots
Your Weakness:: Chocolate, pianists
Your Fears:: being attacked
Your Perfect Pizza:: chicken and sweetcorn
Goal You Would Like To Achieve This Year:: shave all my hair off!
Your Most Overused Phrase On An Instant Messenger: lol
Thoughts First Waking Up:: I'm not capable of thinking in the morning
Your Best Physical Feature:: my bottom!
Your Bedtime:: When I'm tired.
Your Most Missed Memory:: New Zealand
MY FAVORITES
Favorite color?: red or orange
Food?: fried breakfast
Sport?: I don't do sport. Ever.
Animal?: Lion
Ice Cream?: Ben and Jerry's Phish Food
Candy?: fizzy cola bottles
Store?: erm... Monsoon, though I've never bought anything there!
Salad Dressing?: My Grandma's rasperry vinegar thing
Actor?: Johnny Depp, Colin Firth, Nicole Kidman
Song?: So many... You Belong to Me from Shrek
Letter?: K
Number?: Anything even
Gum?: I hate gum
Holiday?: Yearly Center Parcs trip
Season?: Autumn
Toothpaste Flavor?: Mint. Anything else is wrong!
Radio Station?: Radio 1
Perfume?: I don't like perfume.
Scent besides perfume?: freshly cut grass, baked bread
Body part on the opposite sex?: Back
FRIENDS AND LIFE
What Do You Want To Be When You Grow Up?: I don't want to grow up.
How Do You Want To Die?: Dramatically.
Which One Of Your Friends Acts The Most Like You?: I don't think any of them do.
Who's The Loudest?: Helen
Who Makes You Laugh The Most?: Everyone!
Who Have You Known The Longest?: I think Sarah
When Have You Cried The Most?: I don't know I cry that often!
What Is The Best Feeling In The World?: forgetting everything around you and just being totally happy, performing in a concert/play/anything
Worst Feeling?: letting yourself down, disappointment
Where Do You Want To Live When You Grow Up?: in the countryside.
If You Could Change One Thing About You What Would It Be?: more self confidence
How Long Do You Think You'll Live?: Not a clue!
FINISH EACH SENTENCE
Let's walk on the: top of the wall
Let's look at the: sea
What a nice: cup of tea
Where did all the: flowers go?
Why can't we: fly?
Silly, little: boys.
Isn't it weird that: we can only ever see the world through our eyes. You can't borrow someone elses.
Never under any circumstance: judge me.
I wish: upon a star.
Everyone has a: heart.
I am: rediculous.
HAVE YOU EVER
Been In Love?: yes.
Mooned Someone?: um....
Been Rejected?: yes.
Ran Away From Home?: no
Skipped School?: yes
Thought About Suicide?: no
Slept Outside?: yes, I love it!
Laughed So Hard You Cried?: yes
Cried In School?: yes
Thrown Up In School?: no
Wanted To Be a Model?: not really.
Cheated On Someone?: no, never.
Done Something Really Stupid That You Still Laugh At Today?: oh plenty!
Seen A Dead Body?: no
Drank Alcohol?: yes
Smoked?: yes
Been On Drugs?: no
Eaten Sushi?: no, but have eaten raw fish
Been On Stage?: yes I loved it!
Gone Skinny Dipping?: oh yes! Would love to do it again!
Shoplifted?: Don't think so!
Been Drunk?: Yes, but not very often
Been Called A Tease?: No
Been Beaten Up?: No
DO YOU
Swear?: generally no
Sing Well?: I don't know about well, but I sing.
Shower Daily?: yes
Want To Go To College?: Already have done
Want To Get Married?: YES!!!!!
Believe In Yourself?: Occasionally
Get Motion Sickness?: Nope
Think You Are Attractive?: Sometimes I look quite pretty.
Get Along With Your Parents?: Always
Like Thunderstorms?: Oh yeah! Awesome!
Play An Instrument?: Flute, saxaphone and singing. Wish to the end of the earth I played the trumpet.
Own An IPOD?: Nope, a Zen
Pray?: All the time
Go To Church?: Yes
Sleep With Stuffed Animals?: Yes!
Keep A Journal/Diary?: Yes
Dance In The Rain?: I love dancing in the rain!
Sing In The Shower?: Yep
THIS OR THAT
Pepsi or Coke?: Coke
McDonald's or Burger King?: Neither
Single or Group Dates?: Single
Chocolate or Vanilla?: Chocolate
Strawberries or Blueberries?: Both
Meat or Veggies?: MEAT! I am such a carnivore!
TV or Movie?: Movie
Guitar or Drums?: Guitar
Adidas or Nike?: Neither
Chinese or Mexican?: Chinese, but only if I'm in the right mood
Cheerios or Corn Flakes?: Cheerios!
Cake or Pie?: BOTH!
MTV or VH1?: MTV
Blind or Deaf?: Errr... what which I'd prefer to be? I think deaf.
Boxers or Briefs?: boxers
CAN YOU
Do The Splits?: No.
Write With Both Hands?: No, lefty all the way!
Whistle?: Yes
Blow A Bubble?: yes
Roll Your Tongue In A Circle?: yes
Cross Your Eyes?: No
Walk With Your Toes Curled?: Yep have just tried!
Touch Your Tongue to Your Nose?: No
Dance?: Yes
Eat Whatever You Want And Not Worry?: Yes
WHO WAS THE LAST PERSON
You Touched:: errr.. I don't know, probably one of my housemates or someone I brushed past in the street!
You Talked To On The Phone:: Sarah Trickey
You Hugged:: Nicola
You Yelled At:: I haven't yelled for a long time
You Played A Sport With:: That must actually be years ago!
WHAT'S THE LAST
Time You Laughed?: Last night watching a video on Nicola's camera...
Time You Cried?: Sunday night
Movie You Watched?: Lord of the Rings The Return of the King
Flavor Of Gum You Chewed?: No idea was so long ago.
Joke You Told?: Guess who I bumped into in Specsavers yesterday? ... everyone!
Song You've Sung?: Am singing along to Shape of My Heart by Sting right now.
RIGHT AT THIS MOMENT
Where Are You?: Sitting at my desk
What Can You See Out Your Window?: Trees
Are You Listening To Music?: Yes
What Are You Wearing?: cord skirt, tights, green Durham hoodie
What's On Your Mousepad?: Laptop
BELIEFS
Do you believe there is life on other planets?: I don't think so, but I don't really know
Do you believe in miracles?: yes
Magic?: yes
Love at first sight?: no, attraction
God?: Yes
Satan?: Yes
Ghosts?: No
Santa?: errr....
Evolution?: yes
IN A BOY...
Fav Eye Color:: Brown
Fav Hair Color:: Dark
Short or Long Hair:: either, and long as its good
Height:: taller than me.
Weight:: Don't mind.
RANDOM
What Country Would You Most Like To Visit?: Alaska
Number Of CD's I Own:: Loads
Do you have tattoos/piercings:: Yes.. one tattoo and 3 piercings
Your Good Luck Charm:: don't have one
How many pillows do you sleep with?: 1
Do you drink milk?: No, but I do have it on cereal
Person You Hate Most:: I don't hate anyone.
Most Outdated Phrase:: cool
Do you think God has a gender?: No
Where do you think we go when we die?: depends on our beliefs.
How many rings until you answer the phone?: As long as it takes till I get there
What is something scientists need to invent?: Something to make guys experience everything a girl does when she's on her period. They just do not get it.
Are you a health freak?: No!!!
Are you a virgin?: Yes
If you could travel into space, where would you go?: Space!
What is the worst weather?: Drizzly rain that's neither here nor there.
Did you play with Barbies as a child?: No, I had Cindy and Sylvanian Families!
How many grades have you failed?: None

Appologies if this is boring. I like doing them, and it's a great way to waste 45 mins when you don't want to work!

Learn to Love.

Every single human being needs love. And I'm not talking about some flimsy, fantasy thing from an over played pop song... "all you need is love". I'm talking about real love. Love that sustains, love that encourages, love that provides, love that respects, love that builds up, love that forgives. All you need to do to find out what happens to someone when they have no love in their life is look at the terribly tragic stories of neglected children, beaten wives, abused boys, poverty-stricken families with no-where to go. We cannot survive without love, and yet love is something that has become so 'dumbed down' and 'over-rated' in our society today. So many people place more importance on possessions than relationships. On good sex than mutual respect. On fancy holidays than emotional support. I could go on.

How many times do we see real, true, open, raw examples of love? Sure we occasionally read a nice story in the news about someone rescuing their loved one from the side of a glacier in Iceland (I really hope they have glaciers in Iceland or Tim will point and laugh at me...) But my point is, when was the last time you saw someone sacrifice themselves for the sake of someone else? When was the last time you saw someone get hurt to save someone else? When was the last time you saw a true demonstration of love? In fact, come to think of it when was the last time you demonstrated just how much you love someone? I can say that I love Tim every 20 seconds, but unless I show it, it means nothing.

Our world has become so loveless in so many ways. Love is not insipid. It is not a romantic song, or a flower, or an expensive necklace. Love is real. Love is hard work. Love is patient. Love is kind. Love doesn't get angry. Love doesn't get jealous. Love doesn't boast. Love always protects. Love always trusts. Love always hopes. Love always perseveres. When was the last time you experienced love like that? Or showed someone you loved them like that?

In the end of it there are only three things: Faith. Hope. Love. And the greatest one of these, is love.
(From the Bible: 1 Corinthians 13.)

"The greatest thing you'll ever learn, is just to love. And be loved in return."

Something to think about...

You mustn't look at God in the light of your circumstances, but you should look at your curcumstances in the light of who God is.

Before I'm 30...

I'm going to write my list of the things I want to be before I'm 30 just to lighten the mood, I feel things have got too serious for me. It frightens me!
Oh and btw I realised that 'before I'm 30' equals only 9 years!!!

I want to...
- make a Bishop's hat talk, it looks like a beak!
- shave all my hair off, to raise money for charity
- squish a banana on my glasses
- do a parachute jump
- break a bone in my body (other than my toe which doesn't count!)
- get more qualified than Tim! (which basically means I'll have to do a PhD!)
- go to Alaska

I think that's pretty much it for now. It's not massively exciting, just some things I want to do! Swimming with dolphins would be on but I've done that, as with getting a tattoo, did that too!!! (for a picture, go to www.myspace.com/steelpaintbrush and go to the pics section, mine's the word 'joy' on the sole of my foot) Oh and skinny dipping was on it, but I did that in Peru!

So I'll keep you posted as to whether I do them!

the grass is always greener...

... no not just a good Travis song, but also a very true saying.

Since my last post (for which I am very grateful for the encouraging comments I received though I hope people know I wasn't scrounging for compliments...) I have been thinking about some of the things I said. I commented that most of the time I wish I was someone else. And it's one of those things where you could all tell me you love me the way I am until you're blue in the face, but I will always have a hard time believing it.

But anyway, I got to thinking (and thanks Nicola for our conversation earlier!) and I'm sure that this is no revelation or rocket science, but I reckon that no matter who I was I would want to be someone else. You know, I don't think that 'me' is the problem. I think the problem is much deeper than that and is much more of an insecurity in who I am, no matter who I am. If you see what I mean.

I don't know about other people, but I get the feeling with myself, that it really wouldn't matter who I was, I don't think I'll ever be happy with myself. I really truely do not want sympathy from this, and I know that there are lots of people who love me. I know there are lots of people who would say they want to be more like me and that's great, I like to hear things like that, of course I do, everyone does! All I'm saying is that I don't know if I'll ever be able to believe it in my heart.

I guess this is all abit open and honest and raw. For all that I talk alot and tell people alot, I don't think this is something I've often said. I don't totally know why I'm writing it all here, maybe by seeing it all written down I can learn to get over it... or maybe someone else will take comfort from knowing they aren't the only one to dislike themselves. I know that everyone has parts of themselves that they wish they could change, and in all honesty I have no idea what the solution would be to this. Maybe that's another one of my problems though, I'm always looking for solutions, and just maybe Kat, somethings can't be fixed.

??????

Do you ever wonder why you are the person you are? Not just who you are... but why. What factors have made you into the person you are today. What did you parents do/believe that gave you the beliefs you have today? What kind of background do you have? Do you agree with it or did you rebel against it? Why did you have the kind of friends you had? Why do you have the kind of friends you have now? Was it all by accident? Or did you deliberately fashion youself the way you wanted to be? Or the way you didn't want to be?

If you could, would you completely swap your life for someone elses? Who? Why? Or maybe would you change a few things about your life? Or keep it the same? Maybe you wish you were cooler? Or richer? Or more daring? Or less stupid? Or more intelligent? Or less intelligent? Maybe you wish you'd 'been there and done everything'? Maybe you wish you hadn't...?

I don't really know where all these questions have come from and it isn't at all what I intended to write today... but I was just thinking about all the millions of little details, people, beliefs, societies, etc etc etc that have come together to make each one of us the person we are today. In all honesty, most of the time I wish I was someone else. I look at all the different people around me, my friends, people I admire, people who I barely know and wish I was more like them in one way or another.

Usually it helps me to think that the God I believe in is so big and so perfect that he doesn't make mistakes, and so for one reason or another, He made me turn out exactly the way I am today on purpose. I have so many problems and faults and issues and fears and dislikes with myself, but if God is all-powerful, which I am totally convinces He is, then I guess it should comfort me that He loves me just the way I am... Interesting things to think about.

Have a bath...

This blog really is not going to contain anything deep, meaningful or philosophical. I just wanted to say how amazing baths are. I just had one, it was so hot it took me a full five minutes to be able to sit down in it. And then I lay there, drinking hot blackcurrant and listening to classical music, letting every thought in my mind slowly drift away.

Of course, as soon as you get out everything comes back to you and hits you in the face like a cold custard pie. (don't swollow any of it or you will gag.)

But for that half hour you are doing absolutely nothing but enjoying the heat of the water in the bath, for that half hour, everything is perfect.

So I mean it. Go and have a hot bath. It's wonderful.

Sleep

Does anyone think that sleep is over-rated?
I hear a most of you cry 'no' indignantly. Well, to be honest, up until recently I would have agreed with you. I used to love sleeping, I loved being warm in my bed, staring at the ceiling, and I loved that feeling in the morning when you wake up and you're all warm and cosy and you remember that you don't have to get up so you roll over and go back into a blissful dose...

Well, as I've written above, I used to love that. Now, all of a sudden, for the past week or so I haven't been able to sleep. I can't get to sleep and I wake up too early because I'm too hot, or I can't switch my mind off, or I have nightmares, or my bed's too uncomfortable, or I just won't fall asleep. I have no idea why, and even the other day I took a pyraton (not sure how to spell that) to make me drowsy... no to effect.

It's not like I'm getting no sleep at all at the moment, but sleep is not longer fun and no longer something I want to do, which seems pretty sad to me. Especially when I've always been the kind of person who can fall asleep within 30 seconds of my head touching the pillow. I know that some people sufer their whole lives with being unable to sleep and I feel kind of guitly for being such a good sleeper all my life!

But now I'm sad because I can't sleep well anymore.

What pushes your buttons?

In a wonderful and enlightening book called 'Perspectives' (a wonderful thing to have btw!) by a guy called Colin Creel, is a quote from another guy called Howard Hendricks. It goes like this:

What makes you pound the table?

And yes, this is an American book. But this is something I thought I'd include here. Dr Hendricks is helping someone to find out what their calling in life is. What kind of career they should follow, and he asks all kinds of questions to find out what the guys loses sleep over. What it is that makes his blood pressure rise, what stirs his soul. What he's PASSIONATE about.

We're all getting to the stage where we start thinking about what we're going to DO with the rest of our lives. All those years that stretch out for seemingly infinity, just blank and empty and waiting to be filled with something. Anything. Does it terrify anyone else that we're pretty close to the stage where we will start making decisions that not only affect the next few years, but will shape the contours of our entire lives. It sure as hell scares me!

But what Colin Creel is getting at is that we must look to our passions to figure out what to do with our years. What stirs your soul? Do that! What makes tears well up in your eyes when you think about it... Do it! What makes you pound the table? Do that! We will be satisfied when we let our hearts live out our passions.

I have two final questions that I think are worth alot of thought...
1. What is the greatest risk of pursuing your dreams? Is it worth it?
2. What is the greatest risk of NOT pursuing your dreams? Is that worth it?


nb. material for the above largely taken from Coliin Creel 2005 'Perspectives' it is not plagurism!

Perspective

Ok, I know that this is unoriginal, but the dictionary definition of perspective is as follows:

6.the faculty of seeing all the relevant data in a meaningful relationship: "Your data is admirably detailed but it lacks perspective."
7.a mental view or prospect: "the dismal perspective of terminally ill patients."

Perspective is a slippery concept at the best of times. You could always argue that because of our very nature, our subjective, selfish nature, perspective is virtually an impossible thing to achieve.
I think that perspective, and by that I mean a rational, sensible outlook on your life, is one of the most difficult things to achieve but by no means impossible.

Maybe I should explain myself a little more. This week, I lost perspective. I lost all sense of reason and rational about my life. Everything went wrong, and in my head, because I had not a shred of perspective, everything was a thousand times more wrong that it actually was.

Gaining a little perspective on things is not easy. For me, it had to be written down in front of me. I had to be told what to do and when to do it. But suddenly, that act of not only taking what's in your head, out of your head and putting it on paper, but also talking to someone else about what's in your head (ok so maybe not ALL of what's in your head!) brings you back into focus with the world.

I know I'll lose perspective many many more times, it is in my nature to panic. Unfortunately for me. But what is fortunate for me is that there are plenty of people around me to remind me to breathe and to help me struggle back into a sense of reason. If anything makes sense from this blog I want it to be this. Never, ever draw away from the people around you completely, because if you're like me and you can lose perspective with people around you, I am not joking when I say you will actually go mad if you are on your own. Let people into your life, and keep the perspective.

Are you happy?

It may sound like a silly question, but how often do you actually think about it? I find myself going through day after day not actually consciously thinking about if I'm happy or not.

So this evening, while I am sitting here unable to see from laughing so so so hard at Eddie Izzard, this evening I am going to ask you that simple question. Are you happy?

If you aren't happy, why are you not happy?
When are you the most happy?
What makes you happy?
What could you do/what could happen to make youself happy?

I'm not being so naiive as to imagine that all you have to do is think happy thoughts and you'll be able to fly to Neverland, I know that life is sometimes crap and there's nothing you can do about it. But very often, in my own experience, when we at least try to find reasons to be happy, it is possible to make a fair amount of the crapness not seem so bad.

SO. Are you happy?

Uphill?

I know it has been a long long time since I wrote anything, the reasons being 1)lack of Internet and 2)lack of time and 3)lack of inspiration.

But now I am back and I have something to write about! Yay.
Everyone who's ever set foot in Durham know just how hilly this lovely place is. And this year, as we're living all those miles away in Scotland... oops I mean Neville's Cross we're feeling the effect of The Hill more than ever. Just the other day when Nicola and I were walking back from the Loveshack (great place!) at around midnight I think I was thinking about this hill that we have come to know if not yet to love.

Nicola pointed out, as we were willing our legs to move us forward, that when you're going up a steep or long hill, you focus all of your thoughts on getting to the top. Everything within you is willing yourself to get closer and closer to the top where you will finally let out a deep sigh and enjoy the downhill you've come to.

I was wondering if people sometimes see their lives as a big uphill trek. I know we sometimes say life feel like we're pushing a steam roller up a hill, or something to that effect, but I was referring more to that focusing of everything you have on getting to the top. On getting to the end. On reaching your destination. Does everything you do point towards one single goal? Do you long for a certain event/situation to materialise? Is this a good way to live? Well, I suppose it depends what your destination is and whether it's worth slogging uphill for. But one thing I know for certain is that when you are forcing yourself up a long and steep hill, you wouldn't do it for no reason. So it certainly wouldn't be worth slaving your life away for no reason, or for a bad reason.

Just a few thoughts.

The Waiting Game

What is anticipation to you? Because it seems to me that sometimes anticipation is a good thing, and sometimes it is the worst thing in the world... perhaps better labelled here as 'dreading'.
I wonder if you enjoy the anticipation before a birthday for example, the build up, the present list... the knowledge that on such and such a day you are having a party and you begin to plan out what you will wear, how you will do your hair, what food there will be etc etc. Do you enjoy that kind of anticipation?

What about when it seems that anticipation is just making an already bad thing much worse. I remember the second time I had to have impressions done of my teeth after my brace was taken off. The first time was aweful, I gagged, the dentist told me to shut up and it was perhaps the worst sensation in my mouth ever. Even worse than custard. But the second time?!?! It was pure hell. I knew exactly what to expect and as the appointment date got nearer and nearer I just about lost it completelty. And you know that people try to convince you that you remember things much worse than they actually are... I discovered they only say that to try and stop you panicking. It was just as bad if not worse because of all the anticipation. What do you think of that kind of anticipation?

And then I wondered whether somethings in life are only good experiences because of the anticipation. There is a slightly different angle here from my first thought because a birthday would be fun even if it were a total surprise. But what about those things that you count down so excitedly, each day crossing off the date on the calender getting closer and closer to that date you've circled in red biro... Would Christmas be as much fun without Advent? What about a holiday without all the pre-holiday preparation?

My final thought was whether sometimes when you're waiting for something you can't have yet and it feels like 'bad' anticipation because you're not just excited about an event but you're willing the days to go by thus wasting the 'here and now', whether when you finally get to where you wanted to be the waiting will have been worth it. I don't know if that makes any sense but here's a slightly trivial example. (Some of you may have guessed this isn't the thing that triggered off these thoughts of 'the waiting game')

A few years ago my parents bought me a beautiful woolly coat in November to be given to me at Christmas. It was, and is absolutely gorgeous. So unusal and warm with that lovely smell you get with proper wool. I wanted it soo badly there and then, the weather was pretty grim and I didn't have a coat anyway so I pestered my parents constantly to give it to me. Of course they refused; it was a Christmas present to be opened at Christmas. Full stop. Anyway, when Christmas finally arrived and I finally got this coat I'd been dying to have for over a month, I was dead chuffed. I reckon I could say I'd wasted time going on at my parents to give it to me when I know they wouldn't but did that change the happiness I got on Christmas morning when I opened it?
I honestly don't know. But what I do know is that sometimes I love waiting for things to happen, and sometimes it just totally sucks.

Happy Bifday to Me!

Just had to say, thank you to everyone wishing me a happy birthday... meant to much to have so many texts and Facebook comments. Thank you! I had a lovely day and am beginning to come to terms with the oldness of 21!

I'll udate again soon with something more interesing, but right now I have to go and pack up my entire room of stuff into one suitcase. (Is it just me or does that sounds totally, logically and physically impossible?!?!?!)

Love to you all. xxx

Tangible.

tan‧gi‧ble  /ˈtændʒəbəl/ Pronunciation Key - Show Spelled Pronunciation[tan-juh-buhl] Pronunciation Key - Show IPA Pronunciation

–adjective
1. capable of being touched; discernible by the touch; material or substantial.
2. real or actual, rather than imaginary or visionary: the tangible benefits of sunshine.
3. definite; not vague or elusive: no tangible grounds for suspicion.
4. (of an asset) having actual physical existence, as real estate or chattels, and therefore capable of being assigned a value in monetary terms.

–noun
5. something tangible, esp. a tangible asset.

So, it seems that something that is 'tangible' is something that really exists, something that you can touch something that is not suspicious, something that has physical existence. This whole idea of something that is 'real' isn't actually as simple as it may seem. Because how are you proving that that thing is 'real', as opposed to imaginery, or fictional?
If you say all that is real is able to be touched, what about emotions... you can't touch jealousy or happiness or fear... but if you were experiencing any of those things you certainly would say it was real.
What about saying that something is real if it seems logical... but when a bumble bee flies around it seems to defy all laws of physics in actually taking off from the ground, but you wouln't say it wasn't real.
Maybe something is real if you can see it, we often say we don't believe things unless we see them with our own eyes... but when someone tells you about something that's happened in their day, you tend to believe them. Of course unless they say something like they'd been eaten alive by a savage wolf...

I know this isn't rocket science and I can't even remember the fancy-pants terms for all the different kinds of proof etc. My point is simply just that 'real' is actually a difficult concept to define, and I know that I often dismiss things as not being real... things that people tell me, feelings that I have... maybe it sometines is worth thinking quite carefully about what real is, and what is real to us by whatever definition we want to use. It seems to me that though it's a pretty difficult thing to pin down, it's also a pretty important thing to get to grips with!

nb. Tim said I should write this blog on 'tangible' so appologies for whatever you make of what I came out with!

Sveden!

Tim and I just got back from our cheap little mini-cruise to Sweden. It was certainly random, but I had a lovely time. We didn't really do much! lol but I had a really great time. Lounging around on the deck of a ship with just the ocean and the sun... I loved it. It was quite an amusing paradox of the beautiful scene I just described... paralled with the hilariousness of our cabin. 'Cabin' being the operative word here. About 3foot square, below the car deack... and the sea level, gaps above and below the walls to circulate the air, noisy Japanese tourists next door... priceless!! Actually no, not priceless, but very cheap!

Still, lovely times, I love the sea. It's hypnotic for me, in any form. Day or night. I could just stare at the sea for endless hours. It is yet another reminder to me of how amazing my God is for creating it all.

Retail Therapy

How and why does it really work? Seriously, all you girls out there, when you are feeling really down and just a little bit rubbish, buying something really truely does help you to feel better.
Surely that's a really stupid thing, that parting with your well earned money for something that may be pretty but certainly isn't essential and will probably get thrown out in a couple of months when fashions change... it actually makes you feel like things are ok again. I am right aren't I ladies?

I just got back from town with my mum who announced just before lunch "I feel really down and I need to buy something" So off we went to town where she's shifted a hefty lump of cash. And now she's all happy and smiley and trying on all her lovely new clothes for my dad... who in turn is sitting on the sofa, trying to watch Crocodile Dundee occasionallynodding and uttering the required "yes dear" after any question. I swear that I am not being stereotypical here. Ok well, maybe I am, but those stereotypes have some grounding you know!

I just don't really understand how and why retail therapy really does honestly make you feel better when you're down. I don't get it. But it sure as hell works for me!

look at the sky.

seriously, no matter how you are feeling, looking at the sky is always amazing. It doesn't matter what the sky looks like... cloudy, rainy, sunny, blue, grey, night-time, foggy, starry... anything. The sky is always beautiful and somehow by looking up it takes you out of your little world and into something much bigger, much more peaceful and much more beautiful.

My mum used to say this to me to remind me how you can look at everything from two sides (at least!)

Two men looked out through bars
One saw the mud, the other saw the stars.

Rumours of another world...

There is an article in this month's Reader's Digest (oh yeah I'm cool) about Near Death Experiences and whether they can offer us any kind of proof about life after death. Dr Melvin Morse, one of the most prominent researchers in this feild has said that sometimes it seems as though the universe itself is preventing him from finding answers to his questions. He says that labelling this area of study a 'grey area' is the best answer we can give.

I recently had a conversation with a very close friend on a similar topic. She was saying that she's terrified of dying because she says that no-one can ever really know what will happen after we die. She thought that even people with the strongest beliefs could never know 100%. She was positively shocked to discover that my mother, father and myself are all totally sure of what will happen after we die.

You see for me it makes sense. I believe in the God of Christianity as a God of unending and unconditional love. I believe that God loves me, and I believe that there are lots of things that prove this to me. (But that's a different discusion!)
I also believe that my dad loves me. And because I know that he lvoes me, I tend to believe the things he tells me. So if my dad says we're going on holiday to France next year, I would believe him. He's never done anything in my life to make me doubt his word so I have no reason not to believe the things he says.

So you see, this God that I believe in loves me more even than my dad does so I believe in a life after death because that's what it says in the Bible. I believe the Bible to be true because I have never had any reason to doubt what it says. It's all believable and truthful as far as I'm concerned. So when it says in the Bible that there is an eternity of life with God for those who love him and accept Jesus as the saviour of the world... I believe it.

There are loads of references to heaven in the Bible, but here are just a fwe to demonstrate why I believe so confidently where I'm going when I die...
Luke 10v20 'rejoice that your names are written in heaven'
2 Corinthians 5v1 'We know that if the earthly tent we live in is destroyed, we have a building from God, an eternal house in heaven built not by human hands.'
Philippians 3v20 'but our citizenship is in heaven.'

For me, this is anything but a grey area.

Important Decisions

I'm thinking of buying an ethically made hoodie to replace my Mary's one because I don't like the fact it's made by Fruit of the Loom who I recently discovered to be unethically making their clothing in Mexico. And I was thinking the other day what it is that pushes us to make decisions. Of course the answer is 'many things'. Decisions are made by things that interest us, people who inspire us, events that influence us (these aren't all deliberately beginning with 'i'!) and of course our beliefs, passions and personalities. The thing is though, that all these things are selfish. We chose a film to watch because we like it, we pick out clothes because we like them, we eat food because we like it, we go on holiday to a certain country because we want to go there. In an ordinary day, I wonder just how many decisions, even down to the tiniest little thing, are made totally selflessly. How many times can you say "I did that completely for someone else, there was nothing in it for, and in fact I actually lost out because of it".
Of course philosophers have argues over the centuries whether it is even possible to do something completely selflessly and whether we are actually inherently selfish beings. But this is something that I think about alot. I once read a reccommendation, to do at least one thing every day for someone that they don't know about, it's teaching a lesson in humility because most of the things we do for other people are in reality done with at least a partial aim for acclamation.
Everyone knows that I get all passionate and excited by Fairtrade and ethical trading, I can't help it, it's something that interests, inspires and influences me and of course I struggle to understand why people wouldn't be passionate about it. But of course we're all different people and we all get moved by different things. The thing is, I think we all need lessons in selfless acts, because, seriously, how difficult is it just to work out what your actions do to someone else, even and perhaps especially if you will never meet that person.

I am sorry if this comes across as judgmental or 'fairtrade-bashing', two things I have been acused of doing in the past, and two things I desparetely don't want to be. I just felt that I needed to be straightforward and say what I think. I would never judge anyone else on their decisions, that really isn't my place. But I want people to know what moves me to make my decisions. That, truely and honestly is the only aim of this blog.

5 reasons...

why hamsters are rubbish...
1) they are incredibly boring, you cannot interact with a hamster and ours never even goes on its wheel.
2) after about one week on not cleaning the cage, they smell really really gross.
3) they wee. everywhere, and for such a small animal they have a surprising amount of wee.
4) you can't even hug a hamster, you'd probably squish it.
5) seeing as they aren't much fun alive you might think they'd be good to eat, but they're so small and scrawny it wouldn't be worth it.

so there, hamsters are officially rubbish. well at least by my dodgy logic!

the little things...

...that make it all worth while.

I was thinking today how funny it is that usually it's the really tiny insignificant events that happen when I get home from work that get me through work. Let me explain, a few days ago, every third thought throughout the day was about getting my new mp3 speakers that mum was picking up for me in town. Another day I spent the whole day looking forward to the bottle of wine that I knew my dad would be opening at tea time. I bought some really nice new knickers the other day, and I always get excited about wearing them. It's like the Lighthouse Family song "whatever gets you through the day.... that's your way"

But then I've always been like that, getting exctied about little things that no-one else really knows or cares about. For example, every birthday I make sure that I wear my favourite pyjamas, that I have some really nice underwear, that mum gets in my favourite cereal for breakfast and so on and so forth. It may sound like I'm a simpleton, but I prefer to look at it that I'm easily pleased by things that aren't a big deal, and so it's easy to make me happy!

Escapism

I am an escapist, self confessed. Sometimes I wish I wasn't because so often I struggle to face reality. But usually it means that I can get away from whatever is going on around me by imagining myself somewhere much better. Sometimes, however, no amount of imagination can take me away from where I am. Today was a day like that.
It didn't start off brilliantly when I went to get a parcel from the Post Office... the most un-navigable place in Britain, and the most un-helpful staff in the world. But anyway, then I get to work to discover that I'm actually working till 6.30pm rather than 5.30. And with the most disrespecful, ungrateful, rowdy bunch of kids in the universe. I tried all day to see them through better eyes, and to remember that the God who loves me loves them just as much... but by the afternoon when they were fighting, answering back, swearing and chucking stuff around I just gave up. Even thinking about my holiday which I'm so looking forward to couldn't take me away from them.
Then, to make matters worse, the text I sent home to let them know i was going to be late didn't get through, and apparantly my brother needed the car at 6pm. So I had a fairly nasty phone call from him at 6.10pm.
I'm tired, worn out, fed up... and I have to do it all again tomorrow. I just wish I had the power to imagine it all away.

Hello hello again...

well, Stage Fright is over and done for another year. How strange it feels to have 'been there, done that' already. Stage Fright is always such a highlight of my year and anyone who has ever been part of a holiday camp will know something of how it feels.

'Emotional rollercoaster' is a phrase I often use to describe SF, it's hard work, frustrating, exhausting, emotional, fun, hilarious, tiring, rediculous, unorganised and so full of God it's just incredible. I am sad to be home again, but then if we didn't have the end, we'd never have a beginning. I know that's the most obvious and pathetic thing to say, but there we have it.

Now I'm home for another two weeks of fun fun fun at work. Maybe I'll think of something remotely more profound before long!
Hope everyone is well.
x x x

Welcome back to me....

... appologies for my major lack of communication recently, have been very busy as I explained, but at least now I have the Internet working again (thanks Tim!) So here I am again, thought not for long, I'm going to Stage Fright tomorrow, somewhere near Lincoln. Woohoo exotic or what?! But actually I am really really excited about seeing everyone again. So that'll be fun, I have a nice big bag of dressing up clothes at the ready, so be waiting for plenty of crazy photos!

Last weekend I went with Tim to Chester to visit a school friend who's there doing an engineering placement thing, and it was really fun, but I had an interesting train journey there, just something I thought worth writing about. I have mentioned I know before about the Great British public (or is it that great British Public..?!) and certainly I experienced something of what my mother terms "the World War II Spirit" on the way. I hate train stations, I don't mind trains as much, but I really hate train stations. People are rude, and unfriendly and far too wrapped up in their own selfish worlds to ever acknowledge anyone else. But then make something go wrong, and suddenly everyone works together! It's bizzare!

In my case the 'something to go wrong' was a cancelled train. My stomach dropped right down to my toes when I heard that dreaded announcement... "the 11.34 train to Llandudnoe has been cancelled" full stop. No appology, no alternative.. it's just cancelled, vanished in to thin air. Great. Anyway, after discovering a few other people in my same predicament we all worked out which train to get instead and it was fine. But the atmosphere changes so dramatically as soon as anything goes wrong. People chat to each other, find out where they're going, talk about the one thing they have in common at that moment in time... the rubbish English train system...

I guess that's the point really isn't it... a random sea of faces at a train station have nothing in common. But a group of people all trying to find a cancelled train do have something in common. They have two things in common, a common need and a common hate! This is what my mum means by World War II Spirit, people open up and work together when they are faced with a need or danger. Of course I'm not comparing the experiences of a World War and a cancelled train! Simply drawing a parallel between the way people react to adversity, no matter how small it may be. And again I'll say it, I am glad to be British. Obviously not all the time... and I'm certainly not proud of alot of things associated with us and our country. But in essence it's not a bad place to live!

i'm still here...

...for anyone who may chance to read my blog, i haven't written for so long for three reasons:
1) i was in chester last weekend
2) couldn't get the internet to work until today when tim fixed it for me
3) have been working like a blue arsed fly.

but i will update before stage fright, that's a promise.
kat

Lloyd the Llama

adopt your own virtual pet!

It's Tuesday.

Hey everyone. Or anyone. Or no-one. Whatever!
I've been pretty busy lately, worked a full on 9 hour shift today. Woohoo go me. I have such a love-hate relationship with my job. I love the kids at the same time as hating them, well what I mean is I hate their situations in life. It's so so so unfair that some children in this world are not loved as much as other children. It breaks my heart and in a really unethical-1984-Big Brother-type-way I kind of wish people had to go through a screening process before they could have kids. If people aren't going to be good parents then they shouldn't be allowed to even have kids to begin with.
Obviously I know that you could never do that to people, but just sometimes, when I'm looking at the faces of such beautiful children in the knowledge that their parents don't deserve tham I wish with all my heart I could do something about it.
I know that I talk about this alot, and everyone is probably sick of me waffling on, but I can't help it. I care about the kids and so I can't help talking about them alot!

Anyways, work is taking up most of my time at the moment, as Tim said we went to the beach last Sunday with all my side of the family which was fun. Freezing cold in the sea, but I still swam! Eventually! lol. I love the beach!
Well, I'm writing this in the living room and Home and Away is on now so it's ttfn!
x x x

Say hello to...

Charlene*. Possibly one of the strangest kids on the planet. She's five years old, cackles like a witch, has head lice and actually has white skin. I kid you not that her skin is white. White I tell you! It looks like she's had talc rubbed permanently into her skin! A number of the other children comment about how strange she looks.

But aside from her appearence, Charlene has won my heart. I love her. She's such a little darling and just loves to be around people. She always wants to hold me hand, hug my leg, sit on my knee... (the latter of which is great when I can actually see the lice crawling around her hair.)

The thing is that Charlene is blatently neglected at home. I met her mother for the first time this morning, it's always been her 15 year old sister who brings and collects her. As far as I know, today was the first time ever that her mother has actually shown up in person to the kids club. It seems that no-one really bothers with her at home, she's come with a big thick fleece for the past three days and I've been meling in the heat just looking at her. When all the other reception kids had a bug day, Tony came as a bumble bee, Larry came as the cutest little ladybird in the world... and Charlene had nothing. The poor child is crawling with head-lice and no-one's done anything about it. It truely breaks my heart and I worry about how she's going to turn out. I don't think she gets nearly enough love and attention. I get very protective over her and often yell at the other kids to leave her alone, but you see because she's so small they take advantage of her and delight in scaring her, or taking her toys from her. So I just get really mad with them!

I really love her, and her strange little ways!

*again I've changed her name.

Meet Tony...

Tony Forest*. One of the strangest kids in the world. On the surfae he's an adorable looking 5 year old with loads of energy and character. But underneath that sweet little face is a monster! He can be so ferocious and has absolutely no concept of gentleness. Swinging off my arms and leaping on my legs, I've almost lost a limb or two to his exuberence. He has the most selective of hearing, often causing me to kneel down and practically yell in his ear before he hears what I'm asking him!

I don't know if he has any siblings but I reckon he must be an only child because he is useless at sharing and doesn't understand how to play fairly. For example, playing table football, whenever he scores a goal that's fine, every time I score one it doesn't count. He's allowed to push the ball with his hand, but I'm not. Playing pop-up pirates, he's allowed to have twice as many pieces as me and that's fair, but when I reverse it, it's not fair! Sometimes it is fun to tease him! Hee hee.

He really does live in his own little world, last week after Sports Day he left his school uniform at school and when his mother questioned what he was going to wear the next day he answered cheerfully, pulling a spare pair of pants from his back "well at least I've still got my pants!"

Little darling.

Oh and as requested, here's a picture...





*name changed.

Introducing...

...Larry*

Larry is one of the sweetest boys in the whole world. He's 5 and in Reception and is just the kind of child you wish was yours. He's perfectly happy to play on his own, or with other children he doesn't mind. He can make up games with nothing but a piece of string and has the most beautiful little face you've ever seen. He giggles all the time, and when his mum comes to pick him up he always goes over to her and throws his arms round her and starts telling her all about his day. He has a beautiful little stilted voice and really is just the nicest and easiest little boy to have in the Kids Club.

I'm starting with the nice ones!
Enjoy your day!
*name changed for safety reasons!

60th post...

...coming to you direct from my bedroom! Yay, that's right, I finally have the wonders of wireless internet installed on my laptop. It's brilliant isn't it!! I know for all you who have laptops with it inbuilt this probably isn't a big deal but it is for me! Yay! And to make it even better, I can now play DVDs on my laptop, so have just finished crying at Cold Mountain. I'd only seen it once before and though I thought it was good the first time, it is much better the second time.

Anyways as easy as it would be for me to rabbit on about wireless and DVDs for ages, that wasn't the original topic of this post. I've been wanting to write about the kids' club where I work for a while now because it's becoming such a big part of me. Not least in the fact I'm working there every hour of every day that they're open! But also because as I'm getting to know the kids I'm becoming more attached to them, either because they're so endearing or likable, or because they are absolute nightmares and they drive me up the walls! But we love them all equally! At least we're supposed to, not so easy in practice!

I think I may have mentioned before how even thought I enjoy it, it's a very difficult environment to be in because of the very nature of an out of school club that children go to because their parents are working such long hours they have to be cared for either end of school hours. There are some children who are with us from 8am-6.15pm which is such a long time to be away from home. But you see there's a strange irony here that I truely believe that some of the children are better with us than at home. And that upsets me so much because I'm comparing their experiences to my own of a wonderful family based upbringing.

There are some children who are so horrible and ho badly behaved and they can be so rude to me which I can't stand. I hate rudeness from kids no matter what the situation. Call me old-fashioned but there is absolutely no need for rudeness, from anyone of any age. But then I see them with their parents and begin to get a glimpse of why they are so aweful. Some blatently have no relationship with their parents, many are from very broken and complicated families. Some have parents who can't cope with them, who don't discipline them, who spoil them... the list goes on. And so while I enjoy my job because I try so hard to make it good for all the kids but especially those who I know have tough lives, I could come away crying every day due to the state some of them are in and there's nothing I can do to help it.

It terrifies me that one day I'll have the responsability of raising kids and while everyone might tell me I'd be a good mum, what if I'm not?! Life is just so hard on so many kids and it's not their fault, and it's not fair and there's nothing that I can do about it. It breaks my heart.
I think I'll introduce you to some of the kids over the next few days/weeks and let you into my world a little bit!

black over bill's mother...

My mother always says this when there are black clouds in the distance. All my life I've wondered who Bill is/was and why it's black over his mother's house. I guess I'll never know the answer. But today even though it is sunny there are black clouds looming and I'm pretty sure they'll move from Bill's mother's over to here later on.

Isn't it annoying how the weather does that to you. You think it's all going to be nice and sunny; the newspaper tells you it will be, the nice man on the news at 10 the night before told you it would be fine, and when you wake up it looks like it's going to be sunny... everything is going well. And then you look up and there it is. A huge big black cloud not actually doing anything, but threatening to ruin everything you've ever planned. It's just hanging there and mocking you and there's nothing you can do about it except wait for the inevitable. The torrential rain that you dread, but know will arrive sooner or later.

I hate black clouds. They destroy everything for two reasons. They make your view look ugly. Everything was nice and sunny before and then now there's this big blotch out of the window. And the second reason is that black clouds always threaten to rain, but they don't always. So you're left in a kind of limbo between wanting to carry on as normal but then hanging back incase everything goes wrong. But then it might not actually rain, but then it might. But it might not... and so on and so forth.

I hate black clouds.

We Brits...

I was reminded again yesterday of the phenomenon that is 'The British Public'. We are wierd aren't we? I mean how many other nations would have an open air concert continue regardless of the pouring rain? It's rediculous really, and it made me laugh so much when I saw people (including myself!) sat under umbrellas, tarpaulins and jackets listening to a brass band concert. Can you get any more British than that?! I don't think so. No wonder the French all think we're raving mad! It's because we are!!! And as my mum so rightly said, there even seems to be a feeling of proud endurance at having 'stuck it out'.

The concert was brilliant, and it's just another one of those British events that we'll talk about for years to come. "Granny, tell us again of the concert that got practically flooded but where the band carried on regardless..." Or then again, maybe it won't ever be referred to again because it'll be lost in the 'sea' (ba-dum-ching) of other rained off events. But all the same, you have to love the Brits and their ways. We even sang Jerusalem, the National Anthem and Land of Hope and Glory.

I love being British! (Just don't mention any of this to Oli!)

the sky is blue

...well it is. and plus my dad told me to write that. and then called me a 'daft head' for writing it. i don't know, parents!

anyways, went out for a lovely meal with my brothers today. mum treated us all to a nice lunch together and said we could go anywhere we wanted. so off we went into town to find something nice. trouble was we had three very different ideas of 'nice'. i wanted a nice posh sandwich deli france style, whereas richard was after an all you can eat chinese. problem.

anyways after much deliberation and near arguments we settled on a bakery, bought a load of nice stuff and some sticky buns and went and sat on the grass. whatever else harrogate may be it is nice for just 'sitting' in! and we had a lovely time, finishing up with a cup of tea for edd, a muffin for rich and a frappuccino for me! yay for brothers!

chao x x x

mental take over

yesterday was quite a dramatic day at work. actually no, i take that back, it was a very dramatic day. while the boys were playing football outside, i noticed that someone was lying on the ground at the far end of the pitch. as i started walking towards him, another child came running up the field very quickly, i shouted to him what was wrong and he said "he's shaking". so i asked who it was as i started running towards him. the answer came back, oliver.

when i arrived, i saw that mac had been right, oliver was lying at an unusual angle on the floor and his whole body was twitching. his eyes had rolled to one side and he didn't respond to anything i said. this is what i mean by mental take over because i am a panicker, and i would have thought that something like that would totally freak me out. yet something inside me totally took over and i immediately knew what to do. i called for claire (the boss) to come over and asked the other children to move away.

the ambulance arrived and took oliver away. he looked so small lying on the ground with an oxygen mask on. we took everyone else inside and kept calm trying to stop them from re-enacting the whole thing and to keep them away from the windows. one little girl was very confused and thought that the police were here to take someone away.

when i think over what happened it all seems so surreal. i don't think and any point i was actually thinking about what i was doing. i just did. it amazes me how the human mind is able to take over and be rational in times of complete emergency. there's no time to think, you just have to do. i don't understand why or how it works, but i thank God with all my heart that we have this instinct within us.

and hopefully oliver will be alright.

day all ruined.

This post is a lament to my destroyed day, due to the unavoidable act of my brother eating the last bowl of my favourite cereal. I am not over-exaggerateing, I feel forlorn and miserable, because as I was waking up I could think of nothing else but a lovely bowl of the Crunchy Bran that I knew was waiting for me downstairs. But alas, it was not to be.

I arrived downstairs, greeted both my mother and my brother and I opened the cupboard to extract the box of Crunchy Bran. On seeing that it was not there, I quickly looked up, it must already be out on the counter. But no. On the table. Again no. With a wimper I exclain, "where are the Crunchy Bran...?" My brother emits a guilty sigh. I knew it. He'd eaten the lot and I'd only had one bowl.

So now my breakfast and my day are ruined. I don't want any of the other cereals, they are all sawdust in comparison with the delights of Crunchy Bran. And so I will be hungry all day because I can't cope without breakfast. Call me petty, immature, a drama queen, what you will, today I do not care. I am cross.