Deadly Glory.

Look at these pictures. I know it's obvious, but both the flower and the frogs are poisonous. They could both kill a human. For these two things, poison is a defense mechanism. I don't pretend to know how it works, but I do know that the frogs use poison to kill their prey, and a poisonous flower means that it isn't going to become someone's prey.

But they're beautiful aren't they?

I was walking up Potter's Bank the other day, and I was feeling a little grumbly because I realised part way home that I was headed for Tim's so it would have actually been quicker to have gone the other way. But as I reached that field that comes down from Aidan's I was so stunned by what I saw that I had to stop.

The sun was setting and orange and purple flashes filled the sky. The clouds were a deep blue and made such joyful patterns over the wash of colour behind. I was awe-stricken. And suddenly thankful that I'd come the long way round. It was like the whole sky was singing with life. I'm not sure I can think of any more cliched metaphors but you get the idea.

I got to thinking about beauty after that. I think beauty has a cycle to it. Maybe something like the genius vs insane spectrum: sometimes, at the extremes it's difficult to draw the line and two things that normally seems polar opposites become blurred together and it's difficult to know what is what. I think that the cycle of beauty goes from pure beauty round to deadly glory. And sometimes it's very hard to separate the two.

What about things that are 'beautiful' in our lives, things that we do, see, live etc. Where is the line between pure beauty and deadly glory? Where do we cross over from innocence to danger? I'm speaking in general terms, not referring to anything in particular, but do you know what I'm trying to say?

Beauty is one of my favourite things in the world. I love true beauty. And by that I don't just mean what is pretty to look at, or what is enjoyable to do. I mean a real depth of exhilirating and painful beauty. But sometimes I think that beauty becomes intoxicating, in a bad way because it becomes too intense. And that's where you end up with a deadly glory rather than a pure beauty.

Anyway. Those are my rambling thoughts for today.

Bob-oh

I got the coolest random present from my mum yesterday. It's a wibbly stick man with a big round smiley head and tufty red heair that sticks on my desk with a sucker. I can flick him and push him all over the place and then because he has a spring in him, he always bounces back! The name on the box was 'Bop-oh' but I prefer 'Bob-oh'!

Here's a picture, and he always smiles even when I flick him. So I don't feel bad for hitting him because it's what he's for. And he always bounces right back! So much fun!
Mine is green though, and has punk hair!

So there you go. Bob-oh! I love my mum!

Magic.

I have a question today, and I want answers please, so anyone who does read this, please do comment and don't leave me looking like I have no friends!

Who/what is your favourite, or the best fairytale character?

It could be anything, maybe an actual personaje like the Wizard of Oz, or Malificent, or the dragon in Puff the Magic Dragon... etc etc, or just a type of creature, a pheonix, an elf, a unicorn, a magician and so on.

It's a tough one for me, my life is so full of fairytale creatures that it's difficult to decide which one is my favourite. But I think I would go for fairies. Ever since I first watched Peter Pan, (actually I think I first remember seeing the film Hook) and met Tinkerbell and her magic dust I was captivated by fairies. In my world, fairies are everywhere. There are fairies in the bushes outside St Mary's college, there are icicle fairies when it's freezing cold, there are fairies that play in the rockpools at the beach, there are fairies of all the different flowers.

Fairies are such beautiful creatures. So small and fragile and with something delicate, pure and endlessly innocent about them. I know not everyone lives in a fantasy world like I do, but there is something captivating about fairies. They are always there, playing and laughing and enjoying life. They never fight or go to war and the only time they are sad is when they feel rejected. Which isn't very often because fairies live together peacefully and without quarrels.

So there you go. Fairies is my answer. Let me know yours!

Keep the Faith.

Just to warn you, this is a serious post. So if you were hoping for more of the craziness from my slumber world then stop reading now!

After a very long and deep conversation the other day, I got to thinking about an analogy that one of the people used. (Thanks Tim!) The analogy was about having faith. I always think that the word faith is quite a slippery concept. What does it actually mean? I think I was originally trying to think of a word for someone who has alot of faith, and it isn't faithful because that means trustworthy or loyal. The Bible says that faith means believing in something that you can't see, but I really don't think that quite sums up everything about faith. I mean it can be interpretted wrongly. As Tim said, I could believe with all my being that there was a chair in front of me, but unless it actually existed I would fall on my ass if I tried to sit on it!

When I was a little girl, we used to go most weekends to a place near where I live where there are a load of large limestone rock formations. It's a fantastic place for little kids, or even big kids for that matter because you can climb up big rocks, there are caves and secret pathways, some og the rocks wobble when you push on them in the right place and it's altogether loads of fun. One of my favourite things to do as a child was to jump off the top of the rocks into the arms of my Dad. It was so much fun. The faith element comes in there because I knew my Daddy would catch me. I had so much faith in this even up to the point where I would jump even if he wasn't waiting. So he had to develop eyes all over his head to be ready for when I would leap. But he always caught me. He was worth putting my faith in.

Unfortunately, in terms of God, faith is something that I now find really quite hard. The curses of age caught up with me and now I find myself constantly saying 'will it be ok?' 'will he catch me?'. I know in my head that God will always come through, I don't need any more proof than what he's already done for me, or the promises of the Bible that come true. Never once does God go back on something he says in the Bible and in my head, that's enough. I hate to admit it, but in my heart I'm still that little bit too much afraid all too often. I get too scared to put all my trust in God just in case.

But that just in case always winds me up in a much worse place than where I began. Trust me I know what happens to me when I try to do things on my own. It's horrifying how easily I can end up in a bigger mess than I know how to handle. I guess what I'm saying is that when Jesus tells us in the Bible to be more like children, this is what he means. It's the hardest thing in the world for an adult to jump off something and know that they will be caught by someone below. The child in me used to just leap from rocks and somehow know. That is faith. Believing that you will be caught, saved, protected and loved by a God who does exist. It is not just a blind 'oh I hope there's something out there.' It's real. Keep the faith.

It's a Long Way to Tipperary.

Well, as I couldn't think of anything to write, I just went for a wee to see if I got any inspiration. But sadly, no luck. I just don't think our bathroom is a particularly inspiring kind of place.

So. I did realise that I may be a little too into this whole blogging thing, because the other day I caught myself thinking about things I could write about. Listening out for interesting phrases/looking out for sometehing unsual, funny or strange to write about... etc. It makes me feel like a little bit of a loser. It's like when they do those facebook things... 'you know you spend too long on facebook when da da da'

Anyway. I am very very tired now. I've had 4 hours of sleep, my back is still hurting (damn those kids) and I am on my way to two lectures I don't want to go to. Grrr. Still. Oh happy day and all that.

Tootles.

The Operation

The other day I needed a simple routine surgery to remove a piece of excess bone on the side of my nose that's been affecting my sinuses. It wasn't a difficult operation, but the only thing was, it had to be performed underwater, salt water. So I went off to the Pacific Ocean; a small floating bamboo island among lots of other islands where the surgeon (who looked strangely like my driving instructer) prepared me for the surgery. The thing is that I was really scared, so he suggested that we have a break and go for a fly around the other islands. When we got into the air we kept rising higher and higher and I was terrified that we'd get burnt by the sun, so I told him and he said we could just got back down again, which we did... at an incredible speed! I was sure we'd hit the water and I had to pull up really hard to stop from plummeting downwards. (We were of course just flying, no airplanes or any of that rubbish!)

Anyway, as we floated around I saw New Zealand below me and it surprised me slightly that I could actually see people walking around, they were big enough to see even though New Zealand itself was miles and miles away. Then we came to land on a small island near the bamboo island where his operating theatre was. This island was a nursery and my youngest brother was there looking after the little kids... aged about 10 years old. (He's 16 now) It was definately him with his short hair and jug handle ears!

We went back to the island so the surgeon could do my operation. He rubbed anisthetic on my nose and gave me a book to read becasue it was making me sleepy but for the operation to be successful I had to be awake. The book was entitled 'Geniuses' and I started to read a chapter about Eleanor Roosevelt while I was hanging onto a bamboo pole under the water ready for the surgeon to do the surgery.

...and then I woke up so I didn't get to find out if it worked or not.

Possibly the strangest dream I have ever had. Though come to think of it I say that after each crazy dream I remember!
Anyways, I'll be back in Durham life in another few hours, all my things are ready here in my room to be put in the car. Ready for another term. See you guys soon!

Be

I found a wonderful video on YouTube yesterday (as well as the fire engine one!) with the song Chasing Cars over a selection of clips from the classic Disney films. It is really well done and if I can find it again, I'll put it on here.

One thing that struck me while I was watching was about just how many of the Disney films deal with issues of identity. Think about it, so many of the characters try to change themselves to be someone they think they should be. Perhaps for family acknowledgement, or to get someone to fall in love with them. Whatever the reason, many of the characters struggle with their true identity.

Mulan realised she could no longer be the 'perfect' woman her society told her she should be. Aladdin tried to prove himself to a princess by becoming a prince. The Beast couldn't accept that anyone would love him the way he was. When Fiona rises up at the end of Shrek 1 to 'take true love's form' we all expected her to become beautiful permanently. Was anyone else surprised when she didn't? I was. Because we don't expect people to be loved for who they are.

A closer look reveals that actually this is the case is most of the Disney films. At the end Mulan is who she is. She pretends no longer and in doing so is accepted by her family and finds love. Aladdin is loved by Jasmin at the end for who he is, not for his fancy made-up title. Belle has already fallen in love with the Beast before he changes back to human form. In Shrek 2 the tables are turned and it is Fiona who shows that she loves Shrek for who he is, the ogre she fell in love with.

I wonder how often I allow myself to be who I am. Sometimes I think I don't even know who I am. When I was younger I used to think of myself as two totally different people. One called Katherine and one called Kat. Generally I liked Kat better but she was the one who tried too hard to fit in, to be like everyone else. Katherine wasn't as well liked but she was the real me. I think now it's changed, I am only one person. Katherine and Kat and I like that I still have the two names. But too often I get confused. I forget who the real me is and I try too hard to pretend to be someone I'm not even though everyone around me knows what I'm doing. Like Aladdin who tried too hard to be a prince even though Jasmin loved him for who he was right from the beginning.

Even when I forget who I am, there is someone who knows me better than anyone else. If I ever lose sight of my true identity, all I need to do is ask the God who made me. The God who says these things:
You may not know me, but I know everything about you…Psalm 139:1 I know when you sit down and when you rise up …Psalm 139:2 I am familiar with all your ways …Psalm 139:3 Even the very hairs on your head are numbered…Matthew 10:29-31 For you were made in my image …Genesis 1:27 In me you live and move and have your being…Acts 17:28 For you are my offspring…Acts 17:28 I knew you even before you were conceived …Jeremiah 1:4-5 I chose you when I planned creation …Ephesians 1:11-12 You were not a mistake, for all your days are written in my book…Psalm 139:15-16

Be who you are. Who you really and truely are. You cannot be anything else.

Fire Fire!

Life of Luxury

My Christmas present from my Grandma (Anna) was a session at the world renowned Harrogate Spa Corporation Turkish Baths. I'd never been before and was so excited! A really good present I thought.

So last night off we went, Anna and I to the beautiful old Royal Baths building for our evening of luxury. It was wonderful. It made it even better that I went straight from work which had been our busiest evening in weeks I think. We had 25 in the under 8's room and we normally get about 12! And I'd been playing chess with a kid who did not have the faintest foggiest idea of how to play. So yeah I was pretty much playing with myself!

I don't know how many people have ever experienced a Turkish Bath, but I am definately going again. It was so relaxing. Like I said, the building is stunning, it's all been done in the original decoration, beautifully tiled, with carved wooden screens, and big red velvet curtains. Even the floor was intricately tiled. We started off in the least hot of the three hot rooms and it was lovely. Then you just take your time moving around the different areas. The hot rooms, then the steam room (which I'm not a massive fan of, I don't like breathing in hot steam, but it feels good on your skin) and then into the cold plunge pool. The best and the worst bit! It's so hard to get in but once you do it feels wonderful. And of course because you're naked, feeling the cold water all over your skin is an exquisite feeling.

I know I'm possibly one of the least prudish people I know, but it didn't at all feel strange being naked around lots of other naked people, it just felt normal. It was all female of course! And it was really nice to just feel all the water and the heat straight onto your skin. After about two hours of going from hot to cold, we had a hot shower and the showers are those big oldfashioned ones with brass taps and a big flat shower head. Then we got dried and sat in the 'quiet room' for ages just relaxed, warm and half falling asleep. It was so beautiful. I'm running out of adjectives!

I am so determined to go back sometime, it was wonderful and such a great way to relax. I could certianly get used to the life of luxury! It's a shame I can't really but I can have treats now and again!

TOP 10 REASONS WHY UNIVERSITY IS LIKE PRIMARY SCHOOL

10. You cry for your mother
9. You cross the street without looking for cars
8. Snack time is a necessity
7. You bundle up for the outdoors without caring what you look like (because everyone around you looks just as stupid)
6. You stay at home and play games with your friends
5. You wear your backpack on both shoulders
4. You wear big mittens
3. Playing in the snow is a legitimate activity
2. You take naps
1. You looks forward to cheese toasties

I found this on a facebook group and think it's funny cos it's true!

Welcome Back.

Our beautiful grandmother clock that stands at the top of our stairs has finally been mended and is now back it her usual place, chiming away quite happily. I had missed that sound alot, and I had had to stick a sad face on the clockface because it was so annoying everytime I came up or down the stairs to look at the time and have it permanently at 11.40!

I absolutely love to hear our clock chime, it's one of the sounds of my childhood and now she's back, it always makes me smile. I've bagsed it for when mum and dad have died. Though I don't think Edd and Rich have agreed yet...

So our house is complete again.
Welcome back to our lovely clock.

Translation...

A Desperate Song.

I can write the most sad verses tonight.
Thinking that I don't have her. Feeling that I've lost her.

Listening to the immense night. More immense without her.
And the verse falls on the soul like dew on the grass.

It matters so much that my love couldn't hold her.
The night is starry and she is not with me.

This is everything. Far away someone sings. Far away.
My soul cannot content itself with having lost her.

Selected lines from Pablo Neruda

Una Cancion Desesperada

Puedo escribir los versos mas tristes esta noche.
Pensar que no la tengo. Sentir que le he perdido.

Oir la noche inmensa, mas inmensa sin ella.
Y el verso cae al alma como al pasto el rocio.

Que importa que mi amor no pudiera guardarla.
La noche esta estrellada y ella no esta conmigo.

Eso es todo. A lo lejos alguien canta. A lo lejos.
Mi alma no se contenta con haberla perdido.

Pablo Neruda

Raaaaarrrrrgggghhhhhh CHILDREN!

Here comes the rant...
Oh man the kids at work are annoying. The way that the Kids' Club is structured is annoying. There is so much I know I could do to make it better, this isn't me being big headed, I promise, it's just all common sense! Take the issue of discipline for example, the kids are badly behaved and the main reason they carry on being badly behaved is because the staff aren't consistent with punishments! Of course they're not going to do as we say if we don't all say the same thing! And what about the fact that they re bored out of their minds half the time because there aren't enough activities and the toys are too young for them and half broken. They get bored and then they run about like lunatics.

Grrr. There's so much I wish I could do to make it better. Have strict cause and effect type consequences for misbehaving to m ake the kids actually learn that what they do actually has an effect on other people. Have a proper lounge area so they can actually relax instead of being just stuck in a classroom. Have plenty of fun activities so they aren't hanging around all day. Oh I have so many ideas and the worst part... I can do absolutely nothing about it. I only work about 12 weeks in an entire year and I really do not think the boss would take kindly to me suddenly taking over her job!

Anyway, one day I'll set up my own Kids Club and it'll be amazing. It's so depressing and heart-breaking in the one I'm in at the moment.

And another one.

Please forgive me. I have no lovely little messages of inspiration about the coming year, or nice anecdotes about the year that's ended. I am feeling total nothingness about the whole 'new year' thing. Anyone who reads this blog regularly may, or may not, remember that last year I complained at people who get all nostalgic at the turn of a new year. I know it's meant to be a big deal and everything, but really, the stroke of midnight is just another minute ticking over in a time that never stops. It is no different from midnight on the 23rd April, or the 15th November, or any other day for that matter.

And yet here we are in 2007. It's just another year. What follows will be more problems, more screw ups, more disappointments, more arguments, more hurts and more tears. Last year was a hard year for me, in fact I can probably say that about most years. There's always something that makes life difficult. I try to be optimistic, really I do. And I know how pessimistic this blog is when everyone else is writing good thought provoking blogs about life. But sometimes I just get to the point where optimism escapes me. The Queen song pretty much sums this all up: "The Show Must Go On."

So I'm just going to try and forget that it's a new year. I just want to concentrate on one day at a time.
Happy New Year.