Well, I have eaten a lovely meal with my family; we're all back together today for the first time since mid April, I'm sitting in the living room watching a program about Disney and the Mickey Mouse Show, and I've had a good few glasses of wine. Perfect.
As I said before, alot has happened since I got home. I'll try to go through it logically!
The first thing I remember is the Pirate Day at my mum's school the week after I got home. Admitedly I had to get up at stupid-o-clock in the morning, and I didn't properly wake up until a few coffees later... but I DID get to spend a whole day dressed as a pirate! Out came most of my Jack Sparrow outfit again, the beard got painted back on and I had so much fun. Mum teaches at a special needs school and I love the pupils so much. They are so giving and to spend time with them is so refreshing. In actual fact, going back to work was really hard after that because I found myself comparing my kids to mum's and saying to myself that at least her kids have an obvious reason for being 'troublesome'. But then I realised that 'obvious' is the key word. I know very well that the children at the kids club have many reason's for their behaviour, it's just not as overt and is much easier to condemn.
So, having choked and spluttered my way through a couple of weeks of work... last weekend I went down to Birmingham with Tim's sister and loads of people I don't know for his brother's fiancee's hen-do. Sounds like a random connection but it isn't really and I got to know Ellie pretty well last year when she was in her final year at Durham. It was a wonderful weekend. Her friend and sister went to so much effort. We went to the Taste festival where we got loads of food and wine and champagne... Then we went to see Oliver and we all wore black dresses with a pink ribbon. I had mine around my waist, some had theirs in their hair, around their wrist etc. We looked really classy, not like the stereotypical hen-night thing. The following morning we had a gorgeous champagne breakfast with strawberries, pineapple, salmon on toast, yoghurt, croissants, freshly ground coffee... Yummy.
I went to see Harry Potter yesterday. I'm sure lots of people will have plenty of criticism of it... but I thought it was AMAZING!!! I had forgotten quite alot of the story which was quite good because I was so tense all the way through. At the end I was trembling with adrenaline. There's a scene at the end that I think is so powerful. And yes, I did cry. Twice.
This weekend I've been with my family cos Rich came home today. It's great to see him again, I miss him when we're away from each other. He's just as annoying as always of course. He does this thing where to everything that you say he turns it back and says 'you are...'. For example, earlier I said something like 'no you can't do that because it's broken' and he said 'you're broken'. I said 'don't start that it's annoying' and he said 'you're annoying'. And it goes on like that!
Edd crashed his car on Friday. It was his fault, but an accident as he just didn't stop in time at some lights in the terrible rain. Thankfully the others involved weren't horrible to him and the police could see from the state of him that it wasn't reckless driving or anything like that. And he's totally fine, it's just that the front of his new car is all mashed up. That's the worst part, that he's so upset because it's his new car. And he'd driven mum's for 2 and a half years with not even a scratch. But hey, these things happen.
This week I'm going hat shopping for my friend's wedding on Saturday. I'm so excited about wearing a hat to a wedding. The bride told me that I'll probably be the only one in the whole church, it's quite an informal wedding... but I don't care. I've always wanted to wear a hat to a wedding, and with the distinctive lack of hair, I think that a hat would actually look pretty good.
And of course work. I just can't separate myself from it, I get too involved. Always. Never mind. I hope this wasn't too boring, I've given up trying to write deep and meaningful blogs, I don't do or think anything deep or meaningful anymore anyways.
Hope everyone's well.
xxx
Monday, July 16, 2007
Monday, July 02, 2007
Bleak.
I often title my blogs with one word. That's a really pointless thing to say, but it's something that I just noticed.
Anyway. Today was my first day back at work. 'Work' being an afterschool and holiday kids' club for primary school kids. I had totally forgotten just how horrible some of the children are. And I know I know, you're not really supposed to say that children are horrible. Well, I'm very sorry, but some of these little buggers are just plain horrible. They show off, they are rude, insolent, manipulative, arrogant and devious. I had one delightful little boy look me in the eye today and say quite simply: 'no' when I asked him to go and sit away from the other children because he pulled a chair out from under another boy. Another boy spent a full ten minutes talking about 'poo' and 'bums' and then later on proceeded to ask me if I knew what a 'blow jab' was. No, I haven't typed it wrong, 'blow jab' is what he said. He's 10. He shouldn't know anyway. Two boys insisted on fighting for the whole evening. Most of my complaints so far are about the boys, and it's true, there are more troublesome boys than there are girls. But some of the girls are so bitchy and manipulative. For example there is one girl who will deliberately do something that is only a tiny bit wrong right in front of you so you can't really tell her off because it's not enough wrong. If you see what I mean. They are noisy and badly disciplined and there is nothing I can do about it.
It's going to be a bleak summer.
I just don't know what to do. I wish I could do something for these kids. I said to one of the staff today that kids aren't just horrible without a reason. Sometimes I can see a tiny window into their home lives and it gives me so much insight into why they are the way they are. Some children just aren't wanted. Or not wanted enough at least, and it breaks my heart. And yet I'm fighting for their respect. I keep telling myself that I'm an adult. I am older and cleverer than them. How then can they be getting the better of me?!?! And I'm not the boss, so all the things that I think should be changed have nothing to do with me. I think we should have more of a routine, we should have more planned activities, we should get the kids involved in a project, something that they are genuinely interested in. We should allow them to chose what they want to do, we should have proper games without half the pieces missing, we should let them decorate the room, we should do team games, and drama activities. AND WE SHOULD HAVE A PROPER DISCIPLINE SYSTEM. That bit is in capitals to show my utter frustration. How can we possibly expect them to behave when punishments and deterrents aren't evenly given? When they don't know what exactly they can and can't do and when sometimes the staff tell them different things?!
I got my hours today, and I only have three half days and one day off between now and the last week of August. Like I said, it is a bleak summer. I don't want this to look like I'm complaining at abit of hard work because I'm not. I'll work my ass off this summer, I'm not bothered by hard work. What I am bothered by is not being able to deal with problems that I see, because I'm not the boss, and not being able to deal with the kids the way I want to, because I'm not the boss.
I've only been back one day and already I want to quit. How am I going to last the summer? Having left Durham for the next 18 months suddenly seems very real to me and in all honesty I don't know how I'm going to cope. I miss my friends, I miss my house, I miss Durham, I even miss my bed. Yes I know the springs stuck out and it was tiny, but I slept better on it than I do on this one here.
It's going to be a bleak summer.
Anyway. Today was my first day back at work. 'Work' being an afterschool and holiday kids' club for primary school kids. I had totally forgotten just how horrible some of the children are. And I know I know, you're not really supposed to say that children are horrible. Well, I'm very sorry, but some of these little buggers are just plain horrible. They show off, they are rude, insolent, manipulative, arrogant and devious. I had one delightful little boy look me in the eye today and say quite simply: 'no' when I asked him to go and sit away from the other children because he pulled a chair out from under another boy. Another boy spent a full ten minutes talking about 'poo' and 'bums' and then later on proceeded to ask me if I knew what a 'blow jab' was. No, I haven't typed it wrong, 'blow jab' is what he said. He's 10. He shouldn't know anyway. Two boys insisted on fighting for the whole evening. Most of my complaints so far are about the boys, and it's true, there are more troublesome boys than there are girls. But some of the girls are so bitchy and manipulative. For example there is one girl who will deliberately do something that is only a tiny bit wrong right in front of you so you can't really tell her off because it's not enough wrong. If you see what I mean. They are noisy and badly disciplined and there is nothing I can do about it.
It's going to be a bleak summer.
I just don't know what to do. I wish I could do something for these kids. I said to one of the staff today that kids aren't just horrible without a reason. Sometimes I can see a tiny window into their home lives and it gives me so much insight into why they are the way they are. Some children just aren't wanted. Or not wanted enough at least, and it breaks my heart. And yet I'm fighting for their respect. I keep telling myself that I'm an adult. I am older and cleverer than them. How then can they be getting the better of me?!?! And I'm not the boss, so all the things that I think should be changed have nothing to do with me. I think we should have more of a routine, we should have more planned activities, we should get the kids involved in a project, something that they are genuinely interested in. We should allow them to chose what they want to do, we should have proper games without half the pieces missing, we should let them decorate the room, we should do team games, and drama activities. AND WE SHOULD HAVE A PROPER DISCIPLINE SYSTEM. That bit is in capitals to show my utter frustration. How can we possibly expect them to behave when punishments and deterrents aren't evenly given? When they don't know what exactly they can and can't do and when sometimes the staff tell them different things?!
I got my hours today, and I only have three half days and one day off between now and the last week of August. Like I said, it is a bleak summer. I don't want this to look like I'm complaining at abit of hard work because I'm not. I'll work my ass off this summer, I'm not bothered by hard work. What I am bothered by is not being able to deal with problems that I see, because I'm not the boss, and not being able to deal with the kids the way I want to, because I'm not the boss.
I've only been back one day and already I want to quit. How am I going to last the summer? Having left Durham for the next 18 months suddenly seems very real to me and in all honesty I don't know how I'm going to cope. I miss my friends, I miss my house, I miss Durham, I even miss my bed. Yes I know the springs stuck out and it was tiny, but I slept better on it than I do on this one here.
It's going to be a bleak summer.
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