Bleak.

I often title my blogs with one word. That's a really pointless thing to say, but it's something that I just noticed.

Anyway. Today was my first day back at work. 'Work' being an afterschool and holiday kids' club for primary school kids. I had totally forgotten just how horrible some of the children are. And I know I know, you're not really supposed to say that children are horrible. Well, I'm very sorry, but some of these little buggers are just plain horrible. They show off, they are rude, insolent, manipulative, arrogant and devious. I had one delightful little boy look me in the eye today and say quite simply: 'no' when I asked him to go and sit away from the other children because he pulled a chair out from under another boy. Another boy spent a full ten minutes talking about 'poo' and 'bums' and then later on proceeded to ask me if I knew what a 'blow jab' was. No, I haven't typed it wrong, 'blow jab' is what he said. He's 10. He shouldn't know anyway. Two boys insisted on fighting for the whole evening. Most of my complaints so far are about the boys, and it's true, there are more troublesome boys than there are girls. But some of the girls are so bitchy and manipulative. For example there is one girl who will deliberately do something that is only a tiny bit wrong right in front of you so you can't really tell her off because it's not enough wrong. If you see what I mean. They are noisy and badly disciplined and there is nothing I can do about it.

It's going to be a bleak summer.

I just don't know what to do. I wish I could do something for these kids. I said to one of the staff today that kids aren't just horrible without a reason. Sometimes I can see a tiny window into their home lives and it gives me so much insight into why they are the way they are. Some children just aren't wanted. Or not wanted enough at least, and it breaks my heart. And yet I'm fighting for their respect. I keep telling myself that I'm an adult. I am older and cleverer than them. How then can they be getting the better of me?!?! And I'm not the boss, so all the things that I think should be changed have nothing to do with me. I think we should have more of a routine, we should have more planned activities, we should get the kids involved in a project, something that they are genuinely interested in. We should allow them to chose what they want to do, we should have proper games without half the pieces missing, we should let them decorate the room, we should do team games, and drama activities. AND WE SHOULD HAVE A PROPER DISCIPLINE SYSTEM. That bit is in capitals to show my utter frustration. How can we possibly expect them to behave when punishments and deterrents aren't evenly given? When they don't know what exactly they can and can't do and when sometimes the staff tell them different things?!

I got my hours today, and I only have three half days and one day off between now and the last week of August. Like I said, it is a bleak summer. I don't want this to look like I'm complaining at abit of hard work because I'm not. I'll work my ass off this summer, I'm not bothered by hard work. What I am bothered by is not being able to deal with problems that I see, because I'm not the boss, and not being able to deal with the kids the way I want to, because I'm not the boss.

I've only been back one day and already I want to quit. How am I going to last the summer? Having left Durham for the next 18 months suddenly seems very real to me and in all honesty I don't know how I'm going to cope. I miss my friends, I miss my house, I miss Durham, I even miss my bed. Yes I know the springs stuck out and it was tiny, but I slept better on it than I do on this one here.

It's going to be a bleak summer.