Family. Family. And more family.

I love all the Christmas things that go on here. I think that every night this week we've had some form of family round, or been to someone's house. I am so fortunate that almost all of my extended family live in Harrogate and especially over Christmas we make a big deal of getting together as much as we can.

When we're together we generally eat and drink and eat and drink some more. And then drink some more and eat some more. Maybe go for a walk inbetween to work up an appitite for dinner! And I love it. Every minute of it.

But with such a close knit family, it has made it so much harder to bare now that there's a crack in it. It is so painful that we are not all together anymore. We're not an even number now. And there are so many wounds that show no signs of healing. Everything that's gone on this year with my family has been so much more pronounced at Christmas and the pain just keeps going on and on. It seems so unfair.

Even though it doesn't affect me directly, the whole thing is hurting us all. And I, as always, wish there was something I could do to fix things. I hate it that most of the problems around me don't have a 'quick fix' solution. Either the answer is long and drawn out and takes alot of time and paitence, or I don't even have a clue where to begin looking for an answer.

Life is so complicated. I wish I were 8 years old again. Then the most complicated thing in my life was whether to wear my blue skirt or my red skirt for dinner at Grandma's.
Time and patience. Two things I am very much lacking.

The Disney Gospel

Did everyone have a good Christmas day? I hope it wasn't too stressful/drunken/boring/argementative etc etc. I had a lovely day, and perhaps for the first time in my life, I didn't eat too much and feel like a stuffed pig all evening!

One thing I got from my parents which I love and think is so perfect for me is a good called 'The Gospel According to Disney. Faith, trust and Pixie dust.' How cool does that sound! It's written by a Jewish man who's exploring the place of religion, morals, and magic in Disney films. I haven't read very much of it yet, but it's very good. He talks about how Walt Disney deliberately didn't include any overt religious message because he wanted to make sure that his films didn't exclude anyone.

And that's where magic comes in. Disney films have very clear morals, they are heavily based on Judeo-Christian values, but there is no divine, there is no God, there are no 'religious' people. But there is magic. And magic is something that is universal. The problem is that when Walt decided to place magic at the heart of his films, he did cut some people off. And there are alot of people that have a big problem with the make-believe and fantasy world that his characters live in.

One of the quotes in the book is as follows: "magic is an attempt to manipulate spiritual forces so that the supplicant gets what he or she wants, whereas in pure religion the individual surrenders to spiritual forces so that those forces (i.e. God) can do through him or her what those forces desire." And for alot of people, this is a problem.

However, as manipulative as magic may be, that's kind of the point. It is magical. It is unreal. It is fantasy. The book says "magic becomes a way to empower the powerless". And then as I started to think about it, I realised this is so true. The stories and characters of a Disney film give something to children. They give them a feeling of strength and of courage. Good always triumphs in a Disney film. The good guy always wins. There is always a happy ending. And children, and in fact anyone who watches the film, can bring this into their real lives.

I don't really think that this blog has a particular point, it's just a bunch of thoughts I have on one of my favourite subjects. I'm liking this book, I think it's going to be really good, and I appologise in advance if I bore you all silly with my opinions on it!

I do hope you all had good Christmases. Do keep in contact with me! x x x

I never saw blue like that before.

Well, I think it is official, and most people would agree. I have crossed the line and lost it completely. I am watching Dawson's Creek and I have just had to dry my eyes because it made me cry. Go on, I don't mind, you can point and laugh. I would be pointing and laughing at myself if I didn't still have wet eyes.

But you see the thing is, I love Dawson's Creek. Not just becasue it is mindless entertainment that I can watch at the same time as chatting to people on MSN on a lazy Sunday that just happens to be Christmas Eve. But it's something more than that. I never watched Dawson's Creek like every other 14 year old I knew and I hated that. It was a paradox for me because I never wanted to be in the 'popular' group at school, I hated those girls because they would make you feel like you'd commited the worst social faux pas just for walking down a corridor. I hated that. But at the same time I always wanted to watch the programs that they did, and wear make-up like they did, and have the latest fashions like they did.

Anyway, I made it through secondary school even though I didn't get a weekly dose of Dawson's Creek, and in Peru it just so happened to be the program that was on at lunch time when we were back at home in between whatever we were doing. And that was it, I was addicted from then on. Dawson's Creek was my 'English fix' as well as my 'chill out' for whenever things were really stressing me out.

And so I say, without any trace of shame, that I love Dawson's Creek. It's so unrealistic that it makes me want to be there. Remember, I'm an escapist. And somehow the story-lines of Dawson's Creek give me something. I like to wrap myself up in their lives, maybe because they are so different from mine. And in some ways they are similar to mine. I like that for some reason.

So there we go, my little explanation of just why I am such a loser.
Next time something makes you smile or makes you feel happy, think about just why becasue I truely believe that there is a loser inside all of us!

Gutted Matt...

Matt so should have won Strictly Come Dancing!
Obviously Mark is an excellent dancer and he's done really well and I'm really happy for Karen etc etc...

But Matt is just so adorable and I think his and Lilia's last dance was way better than Mark and Karen's.

But then I wasn't one of the 12million people who phoned in so I guess I can't really object!
12 million votes! That's incredible. 20% of the population! Unbelievable.

Anyway, well done Mark. Gutted for Matt.
It's Christmas Eve tomorrow, feels like it snuck up quite quietly!

All I want for Christmas....

.... is to get out of your stupid shop.

I HATE Christmas shopping. And I am, of course, aware that in today's society that makes me worse than Scrouge. But really, I hate it. I hate the pressure of finding good presents for people who seem to me to have everything they could possibly want/need/really not want. I hate how crowded town is at Christmas. I hate having to chose between a whole shelf-full of bubblebath/jam/necklaces/whatevers that all look the same to me. I hate how rude other people are at Christmas time, it's like everyone suddenly becomes ultra-selfish. Probably because they too hate Christmas shopping. I hate how many 'gangs' of emos there are in Harrogate. And perhaps most of all I hate the Christmas music CDs they play in shops. No matter how 'cool' he manager may think he is, I am NOT interested in hearing a dodgy 'rock and roll' version of O Come All Ya Faithful sung by fifty 7 year old primary kids.

I mean it's not that I don't like buying people presents, admittedly I am rubbish at thinking of good presents for people, but I do like getting people gifts. I like surprising people (when I finally come up with a good idea) and I like the thought that people own things that I have given them. But I hate Christmas shopping. And that upsets me becasue it's not what Christmas shopping should be about, it should be about getting lovely things for the people you love as a way of showing them that you love them. Why then do I find it sooooo horrible? I almost had a panic attack in the queue in Woolworths today and I always breathe a big sigh of relief when I actually get out of a shop. Strange.

Anyway. I have finished it all now so I just have to wrap it all up. Yay. Another one of my FAVOURITE past-times. And unfortunately one which I don't massively agree with, as tight-fisted as it may sound, wrapping paper is all just a waste of money, time and paper to me. We must use tons of paper as a nation of Christmas. Such a waste because I bet most of it doesn't get recycled. And it's only actually on the presents for a few days at most. It would be better just to blindfold the person you're giving a gift to and then whip off the blindfold when you put the present in their hand. Much better for the environment.

Ah well. Enough mumblings and grumblings from a grumpy, tired and boring old sod. I'm going to bed now. And just for the record, I have wrapped all my presents up, I'm not that mean!
Merry Christmas everyone.

Nearly there.

Well, I am happy to report that I'm feeling a little better today (though I'm fairly sure that's because I'm drugged up to my eyeballs with Lemsip/paracetemol/hot blackcurrant!) and I have ALMOST finished my essays. Yay. Woo. I cannot wait for tomorrow when my marmee is coming to take me shopping.

I read recently on a blog that this person was wishing they could just get on with their life instead of feeling like they were waiting for it all to start. It's funny they should say that because I often feel like that, and I would never have expected this person to feel like that. I sometimes wonder what I am doing with my life, and where I'm going and why. Questions like why am I at university? Why am I studying a course that I enjoy but most likely won't get me a job? Why can't I get married next week? Why am I allowing myself to live such a privilaged life when there's so much I could do to help other people? Sometimes I hate that I have everything I need and want. Mostly I hate it because I know I take it for granted.

I once heard a definition of maturity that I think is very profound. Maturity is the ability to live with the unknown. And yesterday on the Scrubs episode I was watching, Dr Cox told JD that fear is good because it stops you from becoming a crappy doctor, you just have to not let it paralyse you. Both of these bits of advice are very good in answering my questions above. I will never know what is going to happen in 5 hours let alone in 5 years time and sometimes I think it's just better to stop asking questions about the unknown. Because that's the point isn't it, its unknown.

A fear of the future is good, as long as it doesn't paralyse you.
Uncertainty is good, as long as you can live with it and not run away from it.

My life has begun, your life has begun. As long as you're taking air into your lungs, you life has begun. So I guess my point is that we should try to avoid this feeling of waiting for life to start, of waiting for something to happen. Life is what you make of it today, not what you wish could happen tomorrow.

I should take my own advice more often!

Bring on the Lemsip...

Grrrrrr to my body. That's all I have to say today. Why did it have to give up on me now. Seriously, what is it's problem?! Two days more. That's all I needed. Just TWO DAYS TO FINISH MY ESSAYS. I mean come on! It's not hard! I'm not even saying I can't get ill, JUST NOT YET.

RRRAAAAGGGGHHHH.

I dragged my aching, shivering self down to the library to work this morning, managed to stay there for two whole hours which is pretty impressive. And then by the time I got back I felt horrendous. Had a bath, which by the way is the most annoying bath in the entire galaxy because you have to put the hot tap at EXACTLY the right position in order to actually get hot water out. Stupid thing. I boiled a few kettles to help it along.

So the bath was wonderful in the end, felt amazing. All the achiness just vanishes completely. Until you get out... and then BOOM it all comes back again. So now I've had a Lemsip, which hasn't helped at all and I'm about to start writing a 2000 word essay that counts for 50% of my module, which is 3% of this year, which is 0.9% of my entire degree. At least I think it is. And actually, if it's wrong PLEASE PLEASE don't tell me, I get so embarrassed when I do maths wrong.

I want to go to bed. But then I don't because I couldn't sleep last night anyway.
Grrr.
And this is my 100th post too, shouldn't have written something nice..... Oooh, I said Happy Christmasa to the fairies in the tree outside Mary's and they were happy to see me, so that's nice. They haven't gone underground yet which I'm quite surprised about because it's suddenly got very very cold.
Anyway. Happy thoughts.

Kat and Helen's Adventure.

Once upon a time in a beautiful but frightfully cold city called Durham, there were two girls called Kat and Helen. They lived in a lovely house with three other lovely people, but because it was he beginning of the holidays, all the other girls had already gone home to their mummies and daddies. Now today was a special day for Helen because it was the day that she was going to go home to her mummy and daddy. So when she got up in the morning she started to pack all her clothes and books and toys into a bag to take on the train. She was very excited about going on the train again. As the things went into her bag, one after another, Helen realised that she wasn't going to fit everything in this one bag. So she had to get another one. And then another one after that! Helen had a lot of things to take home!!!

The two girls checked that Helen had everything she needed for going home and then they had lunch. After lunch they got ready to take all Helen's things to the train station. It looked quite complicated and they tried a few times to pick everything up before they were both happy with what they were holding. But Helen hadn't realised that her suitcase was so heavy and so she had to ask Kat to help her to pull it up the big steep hill. When they got to the top of the hill they both had very red faces and were struggling to breathe! But it was alright because the way was downhill from then on. Well, almost all the way from then...

Even going downhill wasn't all easy. Kat decided to carry the big bag on her hips because she said that girls are made to carry things on their hips, not on the end of their arms, otherwise they would grow babies on their fingers! Helen thought this was very funny, but later, when she carried the bag on her hip she realised that Kat had been right. It was much easier! Helen's suicase kept getting caught up with lots of leaves and it kept falling over the paving stones that weren't straight. It was very frustrating! But they made it to the bottom of the hill with plenty of time to spare.

Kat carried the big suitcase all the way to the top of the steps in one go and by the time they arrived at the station platform they were both tired out! They had a rest before getting ready for the train to arrive. When it did, Kat helped Helen to put her things on the train before standing well back to wave Helen goodbye. Once the train had pulled out of the platform, Kat walked all the way back up the hill for her tea.

What an adventure!

One down... Three to go...

I managed to make myself write yesterday, and then, miraculously, I kept on writing, and writing, and writing until I finished the essay that I had started. A very good day's work. Onto the next one today!

Everyone is going home soon, it feels very strange that this is it, term 1 of year 2 is (almost) officially over. "Time flys when you're having fun". I always used to wish it was the other way round because I hated how slow time went when I was bored, tired, scared or unhappy. I have always had a habit of taking 'mind photos'. When I'm doing something that I never want to end, I look really hard at it and try to take in every detail as if it were a photograph so I will never forget it.
It kind of half works, but memories always fade, that's in the very essence of a memory. Details always become blurred, sounds become muffled and smells almost alwasy disappear completely until you smell it again and then it's like whooshing through time back to the first time you remember that smell.
I know that I will leave here eventually with some of the happiest memories of my life. But it saddens me that memories are all I will be left with.

Oh dear, this wasn't supposed to be a sad blog. I am very excited about going home for Christmas, and my mum is coming up to Durham next week to take me shopping before we go home. So I'm actually really happy... my hands just took over and typed all that about memories! And I have just thought, a wonderful thing about memories is being able to share them with the people who remember the events also.
Anyway, the rain is LASHING at my window and the wind is literally howling... I am beginning to seriously consider just how important my 11am lecture is going to be...

You can do it....

...come on Kat. You can do it. All you have to do is close down facebook, resist signing onto MSN, open up Word and then close your eyes and type.
Oh no wait, don't close your eyes!
Grrr. Stupid essays.
Come on Kat. Write something!!!!

Meaning.

I know this has been covered so many times by so many people, but I want to write it anyway because for me at least it's something I try to think about and get right.
So, I wanted to write about Christmas. I mean why not? It's not that far away! Christmas means so many different things to each individual, and I think it would be good for everyone and anyone to look at the following list of questions about what Christmas is/should be...

What is 'Christmas' for you?

• A welcome break from a term of studies/a full time job/'normal' life?
• A couple of days of unbareable family traditions?
• A holiday that's too short, but wonderfully full of family and fun?
• A real test at your peacemaking skills when various bitter family members refuse to get on?
• The best food of the year?
• A chance to buy people you love something really nice and get excited about the new things you'll get?
• Too stressful in every way imaginable?
• The only time of the year you feel like you should go to church?
  
• Your favourite time of the year?
• Or something more...?
  

Ok then, so what about Jesus? Even the word Christmas has 'Christ' in it... who is Jesus?

• The grubby looking doll in the nativity in the shopping centre?
• A nice man who told us nice things to do in our life?
• A man who was able to do miracles?
• A good example?
• A nutter?
• Someone who allowed himself to be killed, which admittedly is admirable, but doesn't really achieve anything?
• Or something more...?

I love Christmas. I really do and I think it's my favourite time of the year. I love mince pies. I love Christmas lights. I love mulled wine. I love being with my family. I love the build up of advent calenders. I love singing carols. I love giving presents. I love getting up early on Christmas morning. I love sitting in piles of wrapping paper that you've just ripped off all the presents. I love decorating Christmas trees. I love the cold weather. I love Christmas.

But a few years ago, when I spent Christmas in Peru where they don't have anything like the number of traditions we have in England, I complained and felt totally 'un-Christmassy' because there were none of the things I've listed above. It wasn't a proper Christmas as far as I was concerned.

Until someone reminded me what Christmas is about. It is not about any of my favourite things. Sure those things make it fun, and make it special. But Christmas is all about Jesus. Regardless of who you think Jesus is, Christmas would not exist without him! And so I encourage you, whatever your beliefs or whatever you think about Christianity, or church, or Jesus. Think about what Christmas really is. Christmas is an amazing time of year because it's a celebration of God's amazing sacrifice. He sent Jesus into this world, this messed up, horrible world, so that he could die in our place and set us free from every wrong thing we've ever done. And in my mind, that's a million times more amazing than any amount of mince pies.

Burnt Out

I have given up.
Every three or four minutes I get distracted by something: my screen saver, tidying up, Palatinate, Facebook, staring out of the window just to make sure it looks exactly the same as it did three minutes ago...
I cannot concentrate.
In fact I don't want to concentrate.
Stupid work.

People frequently comment that because our terms are so short, we must be living 'doss' lives. We don't do any work, we just party all day and all night. It's easy to get a degree.
Rubbish.
I'm tired and my brain hurts from reading too much this term.
Stupid second year where everything counts. Be an eternal Fresher, that's what I say!

Roll on Christmas, I'm burnt out.

What do we want....??

RENT FREEZE
When do we want it?
NOW!!!

I figured loads of people would be writing about the protest this morning so I was going to be a little cautious about just spouting out the same stuff as everyone else.... but I just looked and I'm first so I can say what I like. Which, in reality, I probably would have done anyway.

So. Protest. This morning. Got up at 6.30am!!! And shouted about rent freeze and 33 week lets and poor students for two hours outside the Old Shire Hall. Why? You may well ask. I certainly was when the first word out of my mouth at 6.35am after 4 hours of sleep when I realised I'd overslept was certainly not 'yippee'. Well, to cut a long story short(-ish), Durham University is trying to push our residence charges up 10% when they've already gone up 51% in the last five years and are the highest charges in England. This on top of the fact that loans have only gone up 15%... something just don't add up there.

The protest was organised by the fantastic Mildert president (and no I'm not being disloyal to my college, this is the truth, the Mary's president did nothing but walk away) and I reckon there must have been a couple of hundred people... from Mildert mostly, only one other college president in this whole university bothered to email their college telling them of the situation. Which is absolutely and rediculously out of order, but that's not what I wanted to write about.

It got me thinking this morning, and in my lecture this afternoon when we were talking about revolutionist movements that started in universities in South America, about what it is that drives people to make a stand on something. Why did people travel all the way to London to protest on the situation in Iraq? Why do so many people protest about environmentally friendly power station? Or renewable energy? Or worldwide AIDS treatment? Or Fairtrade products? Or the freeing of prisoners?

Or maybe my question should be, why don't people?

I so very nearly didn't go this morning. I thought it was a stupid idea to get up so damn early for something I didn't think I could ever have an effect on. And I didn't really think that I cared. How shameful is that?! How dare I have such a view when perhaps one of the reasons I'm even in university, allowed to vote and given the opportunities I am is because so many people before me stood in protests for hours, shouted till their voices were sore and risked being arrested for what they believed was right. How dare I turn around and say 'nah, I'd rather stay in bed.' ?!

I think we live in an age where people don't care. And I know that's a very blanket statement. And not entirely true: alot of people do care. Alot of people do fight. And alot of what goes on doesn't affect everyone in the same way. But I really think our society needs a kick up the bum. Things do affect us, maybe not today, but tomorrow, next year, when we're 50, when our children are 20, when their children are 20... We are not individuals, we are a community, what we do, (or don't do) does affect other people.

I had my eyes opened today I think. I need to care more. And fight more. Because I am one of the lucky few in the world who actually can.