Bah Humbug.

I really am in a lot of bad moods at the moment. Appologies for all these negative posts, I blame the rain personally.

Today I want to have a moan at students, with specific reference to Durham students. I want to make it clear firsts of all that deep down I do love Durham. I love the beautiful cathedral and castle, I love the river, I love the fact that you can walk everywhere and I love the special and unique climate it seems to possess. However, I hate the students. I hate the ones that drink all the time, I hate the ones that shout and scream like little children outside people's houses at stupid-o-clock in the morning. I hate the ones that vomit all over the place. I hate the ones that think they own the world. I hate the ones that think they are God's gift to education. I hate the ones that are so lazy they are growing mould. I hate the ones that are only here to put off entry into the real world.

Sometimes I wonder why I am here. I know that I am intelligent enough to be at Durham, but why am I here, becacuse intelligence really isn't a good enough reason? If I am here then that automatically brings me into common with all those stereotypes listed above. The thing is I don't know what I'm going to do in two and a half years time when I leave here. Sometimes I wish I had gone and got a job right out of sixth form because I don't know what being here is going to do for me in the long run except give me an aversion to students and thousands of pounds worth of debt. But then I have no idea what I want to do with my life. Does that make me as bad as the time-wasters who are putting off real life?

I am terrified of becoming stereotyped. A 'rah', or having a wardrobe so full of stash that it looks like a Fruit of the Loom warehouse (except without so much oppression) I am so adament not to conform to all these 'students' I see every day and yet I'm not sure I can help it. I know full well that if people look at me they will see 'upper middle class student' written right accross my forehead and I'm not ashamed of who I am I just hate the impression that that gives other people.

I guess one of the things for me is the claustrophobia of Durham. Most of the time it's nice to bump into people I know all the time, it keeps me in touch with people I would hardly ever see otherwise. But I feel so jammed in here, like I can't breath. It's almost as if being so close to so many thousands of people I don't want to be like with somehow make them rub off on me. That doesn't make sense I know but then my head doesn't make sense most of the time!

I think maybe I'm just scared of people looking at me and not seeing who I really am. I remember Tim saying that he hates people putting him in a box and I never really thought that I was much like that before. I don't think I used to care so much what people thought of me. If they looked at me and saw something I'm not well that was their loss because I was a great person! But now. Well, now I look at myself and don't even know what I see. Maybe that is what I'm really scared of. I know I shouldn't care so much what some random stranger on the street thinks, and I'm probably being so unbelievably vain even thinking that they will think something, they probably won't even see me! But when I look around and see such immaturity, insensitivity, stupidity and brashness displayed in so many of the Durham students I just desperately don't want to be put under that label.