FORTY FIVE MINUTES LATER!!!!

Full Name:: Katherine Joy Yarborough
Birthday:: 19th September
Birthplace:: Macclesfield
Eye Color:: Blue/green/grey
Hair Color:: Dark blondish/brown
Height:: 5'7''
Weight:: 9stone
Right handed or Left handed?: left
Your Heritage:: British
My Worst Habit:: picking my fingernails.
Zodiac Sign:: Virgo
Shoe Size:: 6
Pants Size:: 8
Innie or Outie?: Innie
Parents Still Together?: Yes
The Shoes You Wore Today:: Black boots
Your Weakness:: Chocolate, pianists
Your Fears:: being attacked
Your Perfect Pizza:: chicken and sweetcorn
Goal You Would Like To Achieve This Year:: shave all my hair off!
Your Most Overused Phrase On An Instant Messenger: lol
Thoughts First Waking Up:: I'm not capable of thinking in the morning
Your Best Physical Feature:: my bottom!
Your Bedtime:: When I'm tired.
Your Most Missed Memory:: New Zealand
MY FAVORITES
Favorite color?: red or orange
Food?: fried breakfast
Sport?: I don't do sport. Ever.
Animal?: Lion
Ice Cream?: Ben and Jerry's Phish Food
Candy?: fizzy cola bottles
Store?: erm... Monsoon, though I've never bought anything there!
Salad Dressing?: My Grandma's rasperry vinegar thing
Actor?: Johnny Depp, Colin Firth, Nicole Kidman
Song?: So many... You Belong to Me from Shrek
Letter?: K
Number?: Anything even
Gum?: I hate gum
Holiday?: Yearly Center Parcs trip
Season?: Autumn
Toothpaste Flavor?: Mint. Anything else is wrong!
Radio Station?: Radio 1
Perfume?: I don't like perfume.
Scent besides perfume?: freshly cut grass, baked bread
Body part on the opposite sex?: Back
FRIENDS AND LIFE
What Do You Want To Be When You Grow Up?: I don't want to grow up.
How Do You Want To Die?: Dramatically.
Which One Of Your Friends Acts The Most Like You?: I don't think any of them do.
Who's The Loudest?: Helen
Who Makes You Laugh The Most?: Everyone!
Who Have You Known The Longest?: I think Sarah
When Have You Cried The Most?: I don't know I cry that often!
What Is The Best Feeling In The World?: forgetting everything around you and just being totally happy, performing in a concert/play/anything
Worst Feeling?: letting yourself down, disappointment
Where Do You Want To Live When You Grow Up?: in the countryside.
If You Could Change One Thing About You What Would It Be?: more self confidence
How Long Do You Think You'll Live?: Not a clue!
FINISH EACH SENTENCE
Let's walk on the: top of the wall
Let's look at the: sea
What a nice: cup of tea
Where did all the: flowers go?
Why can't we: fly?
Silly, little: boys.
Isn't it weird that: we can only ever see the world through our eyes. You can't borrow someone elses.
Never under any circumstance: judge me.
I wish: upon a star.
Everyone has a: heart.
I am: rediculous.
HAVE YOU EVER
Been In Love?: yes.
Mooned Someone?: um....
Been Rejected?: yes.
Ran Away From Home?: no
Skipped School?: yes
Thought About Suicide?: no
Slept Outside?: yes, I love it!
Laughed So Hard You Cried?: yes
Cried In School?: yes
Thrown Up In School?: no
Wanted To Be a Model?: not really.
Cheated On Someone?: no, never.
Done Something Really Stupid That You Still Laugh At Today?: oh plenty!
Seen A Dead Body?: no
Drank Alcohol?: yes
Smoked?: yes
Been On Drugs?: no
Eaten Sushi?: no, but have eaten raw fish
Been On Stage?: yes I loved it!
Gone Skinny Dipping?: oh yes! Would love to do it again!
Shoplifted?: Don't think so!
Been Drunk?: Yes, but not very often
Been Called A Tease?: No
Been Beaten Up?: No
DO YOU
Swear?: generally no
Sing Well?: I don't know about well, but I sing.
Shower Daily?: yes
Want To Go To College?: Already have done
Want To Get Married?: YES!!!!!
Believe In Yourself?: Occasionally
Get Motion Sickness?: Nope
Think You Are Attractive?: Sometimes I look quite pretty.
Get Along With Your Parents?: Always
Like Thunderstorms?: Oh yeah! Awesome!
Play An Instrument?: Flute, saxaphone and singing. Wish to the end of the earth I played the trumpet.
Own An IPOD?: Nope, a Zen
Pray?: All the time
Go To Church?: Yes
Sleep With Stuffed Animals?: Yes!
Keep A Journal/Diary?: Yes
Dance In The Rain?: I love dancing in the rain!
Sing In The Shower?: Yep
THIS OR THAT
Pepsi or Coke?: Coke
McDonald's or Burger King?: Neither
Single or Group Dates?: Single
Chocolate or Vanilla?: Chocolate
Strawberries or Blueberries?: Both
Meat or Veggies?: MEAT! I am such a carnivore!
TV or Movie?: Movie
Guitar or Drums?: Guitar
Adidas or Nike?: Neither
Chinese or Mexican?: Chinese, but only if I'm in the right mood
Cheerios or Corn Flakes?: Cheerios!
Cake or Pie?: BOTH!
MTV or VH1?: MTV
Blind or Deaf?: Errr... what which I'd prefer to be? I think deaf.
Boxers or Briefs?: boxers
CAN YOU
Do The Splits?: No.
Write With Both Hands?: No, lefty all the way!
Whistle?: Yes
Blow A Bubble?: yes
Roll Your Tongue In A Circle?: yes
Cross Your Eyes?: No
Walk With Your Toes Curled?: Yep have just tried!
Touch Your Tongue to Your Nose?: No
Dance?: Yes
Eat Whatever You Want And Not Worry?: Yes
WHO WAS THE LAST PERSON
You Touched:: errr.. I don't know, probably one of my housemates or someone I brushed past in the street!
You Talked To On The Phone:: Sarah Trickey
You Hugged:: Nicola
You Yelled At:: I haven't yelled for a long time
You Played A Sport With:: That must actually be years ago!
WHAT'S THE LAST
Time You Laughed?: Last night watching a video on Nicola's camera...
Time You Cried?: Sunday night
Movie You Watched?: Lord of the Rings The Return of the King
Flavor Of Gum You Chewed?: No idea was so long ago.
Joke You Told?: Guess who I bumped into in Specsavers yesterday? ... everyone!
Song You've Sung?: Am singing along to Shape of My Heart by Sting right now.
RIGHT AT THIS MOMENT
Where Are You?: Sitting at my desk
What Can You See Out Your Window?: Trees
Are You Listening To Music?: Yes
What Are You Wearing?: cord skirt, tights, green Durham hoodie
What's On Your Mousepad?: Laptop
BELIEFS
Do you believe there is life on other planets?: I don't think so, but I don't really know
Do you believe in miracles?: yes
Magic?: yes
Love at first sight?: no, attraction
God?: Yes
Satan?: Yes
Ghosts?: No
Santa?: errr....
Evolution?: yes
IN A BOY...
Fav Eye Color:: Brown
Fav Hair Color:: Dark
Short or Long Hair:: either, and long as its good
Height:: taller than me.
Weight:: Don't mind.
RANDOM
What Country Would You Most Like To Visit?: Alaska
Number Of CD's I Own:: Loads
Do you have tattoos/piercings:: Yes.. one tattoo and 3 piercings
Your Good Luck Charm:: don't have one
How many pillows do you sleep with?: 1
Do you drink milk?: No, but I do have it on cereal
Person You Hate Most:: I don't hate anyone.
Most Outdated Phrase:: cool
Do you think God has a gender?: No
Where do you think we go when we die?: depends on our beliefs.
How many rings until you answer the phone?: As long as it takes till I get there
What is something scientists need to invent?: Something to make guys experience everything a girl does when she's on her period. They just do not get it.
Are you a health freak?: No!!!
Are you a virgin?: Yes
If you could travel into space, where would you go?: Space!
What is the worst weather?: Drizzly rain that's neither here nor there.
Did you play with Barbies as a child?: No, I had Cindy and Sylvanian Families!
How many grades have you failed?: None

Appologies if this is boring. I like doing them, and it's a great way to waste 45 mins when you don't want to work!

Learn to Love.

Every single human being needs love. And I'm not talking about some flimsy, fantasy thing from an over played pop song... "all you need is love". I'm talking about real love. Love that sustains, love that encourages, love that provides, love that respects, love that builds up, love that forgives. All you need to do to find out what happens to someone when they have no love in their life is look at the terribly tragic stories of neglected children, beaten wives, abused boys, poverty-stricken families with no-where to go. We cannot survive without love, and yet love is something that has become so 'dumbed down' and 'over-rated' in our society today. So many people place more importance on possessions than relationships. On good sex than mutual respect. On fancy holidays than emotional support. I could go on.

How many times do we see real, true, open, raw examples of love? Sure we occasionally read a nice story in the news about someone rescuing their loved one from the side of a glacier in Iceland (I really hope they have glaciers in Iceland or Tim will point and laugh at me...) But my point is, when was the last time you saw someone sacrifice themselves for the sake of someone else? When was the last time you saw someone get hurt to save someone else? When was the last time you saw a true demonstration of love? In fact, come to think of it when was the last time you demonstrated just how much you love someone? I can say that I love Tim every 20 seconds, but unless I show it, it means nothing.

Our world has become so loveless in so many ways. Love is not insipid. It is not a romantic song, or a flower, or an expensive necklace. Love is real. Love is hard work. Love is patient. Love is kind. Love doesn't get angry. Love doesn't get jealous. Love doesn't boast. Love always protects. Love always trusts. Love always hopes. Love always perseveres. When was the last time you experienced love like that? Or showed someone you loved them like that?

In the end of it there are only three things: Faith. Hope. Love. And the greatest one of these, is love.
(From the Bible: 1 Corinthians 13.)

"The greatest thing you'll ever learn, is just to love. And be loved in return."

Something to think about...

You mustn't look at God in the light of your circumstances, but you should look at your curcumstances in the light of who God is.

Before I'm 30...

I'm going to write my list of the things I want to be before I'm 30 just to lighten the mood, I feel things have got too serious for me. It frightens me!
Oh and btw I realised that 'before I'm 30' equals only 9 years!!!

I want to...
- make a Bishop's hat talk, it looks like a beak!
- shave all my hair off, to raise money for charity
- squish a banana on my glasses
- do a parachute jump
- break a bone in my body (other than my toe which doesn't count!)
- get more qualified than Tim! (which basically means I'll have to do a PhD!)
- go to Alaska

I think that's pretty much it for now. It's not massively exciting, just some things I want to do! Swimming with dolphins would be on but I've done that, as with getting a tattoo, did that too!!! (for a picture, go to www.myspace.com/steelpaintbrush and go to the pics section, mine's the word 'joy' on the sole of my foot) Oh and skinny dipping was on it, but I did that in Peru!

So I'll keep you posted as to whether I do them!

the grass is always greener...

... no not just a good Travis song, but also a very true saying.

Since my last post (for which I am very grateful for the encouraging comments I received though I hope people know I wasn't scrounging for compliments...) I have been thinking about some of the things I said. I commented that most of the time I wish I was someone else. And it's one of those things where you could all tell me you love me the way I am until you're blue in the face, but I will always have a hard time believing it.

But anyway, I got to thinking (and thanks Nicola for our conversation earlier!) and I'm sure that this is no revelation or rocket science, but I reckon that no matter who I was I would want to be someone else. You know, I don't think that 'me' is the problem. I think the problem is much deeper than that and is much more of an insecurity in who I am, no matter who I am. If you see what I mean.

I don't know about other people, but I get the feeling with myself, that it really wouldn't matter who I was, I don't think I'll ever be happy with myself. I really truely do not want sympathy from this, and I know that there are lots of people who love me. I know there are lots of people who would say they want to be more like me and that's great, I like to hear things like that, of course I do, everyone does! All I'm saying is that I don't know if I'll ever be able to believe it in my heart.

I guess this is all abit open and honest and raw. For all that I talk alot and tell people alot, I don't think this is something I've often said. I don't totally know why I'm writing it all here, maybe by seeing it all written down I can learn to get over it... or maybe someone else will take comfort from knowing they aren't the only one to dislike themselves. I know that everyone has parts of themselves that they wish they could change, and in all honesty I have no idea what the solution would be to this. Maybe that's another one of my problems though, I'm always looking for solutions, and just maybe Kat, somethings can't be fixed.

??????

Do you ever wonder why you are the person you are? Not just who you are... but why. What factors have made you into the person you are today. What did you parents do/believe that gave you the beliefs you have today? What kind of background do you have? Do you agree with it or did you rebel against it? Why did you have the kind of friends you had? Why do you have the kind of friends you have now? Was it all by accident? Or did you deliberately fashion youself the way you wanted to be? Or the way you didn't want to be?

If you could, would you completely swap your life for someone elses? Who? Why? Or maybe would you change a few things about your life? Or keep it the same? Maybe you wish you were cooler? Or richer? Or more daring? Or less stupid? Or more intelligent? Or less intelligent? Maybe you wish you'd 'been there and done everything'? Maybe you wish you hadn't...?

I don't really know where all these questions have come from and it isn't at all what I intended to write today... but I was just thinking about all the millions of little details, people, beliefs, societies, etc etc etc that have come together to make each one of us the person we are today. In all honesty, most of the time I wish I was someone else. I look at all the different people around me, my friends, people I admire, people who I barely know and wish I was more like them in one way or another.

Usually it helps me to think that the God I believe in is so big and so perfect that he doesn't make mistakes, and so for one reason or another, He made me turn out exactly the way I am today on purpose. I have so many problems and faults and issues and fears and dislikes with myself, but if God is all-powerful, which I am totally convinces He is, then I guess it should comfort me that He loves me just the way I am... Interesting things to think about.

Have a bath...

This blog really is not going to contain anything deep, meaningful or philosophical. I just wanted to say how amazing baths are. I just had one, it was so hot it took me a full five minutes to be able to sit down in it. And then I lay there, drinking hot blackcurrant and listening to classical music, letting every thought in my mind slowly drift away.

Of course, as soon as you get out everything comes back to you and hits you in the face like a cold custard pie. (don't swollow any of it or you will gag.)

But for that half hour you are doing absolutely nothing but enjoying the heat of the water in the bath, for that half hour, everything is perfect.

So I mean it. Go and have a hot bath. It's wonderful.

Sleep

Does anyone think that sleep is over-rated?
I hear a most of you cry 'no' indignantly. Well, to be honest, up until recently I would have agreed with you. I used to love sleeping, I loved being warm in my bed, staring at the ceiling, and I loved that feeling in the morning when you wake up and you're all warm and cosy and you remember that you don't have to get up so you roll over and go back into a blissful dose...

Well, as I've written above, I used to love that. Now, all of a sudden, for the past week or so I haven't been able to sleep. I can't get to sleep and I wake up too early because I'm too hot, or I can't switch my mind off, or I have nightmares, or my bed's too uncomfortable, or I just won't fall asleep. I have no idea why, and even the other day I took a pyraton (not sure how to spell that) to make me drowsy... no to effect.

It's not like I'm getting no sleep at all at the moment, but sleep is not longer fun and no longer something I want to do, which seems pretty sad to me. Especially when I've always been the kind of person who can fall asleep within 30 seconds of my head touching the pillow. I know that some people sufer their whole lives with being unable to sleep and I feel kind of guitly for being such a good sleeper all my life!

But now I'm sad because I can't sleep well anymore.

What pushes your buttons?

In a wonderful and enlightening book called 'Perspectives' (a wonderful thing to have btw!) by a guy called Colin Creel, is a quote from another guy called Howard Hendricks. It goes like this:

What makes you pound the table?

And yes, this is an American book. But this is something I thought I'd include here. Dr Hendricks is helping someone to find out what their calling in life is. What kind of career they should follow, and he asks all kinds of questions to find out what the guys loses sleep over. What it is that makes his blood pressure rise, what stirs his soul. What he's PASSIONATE about.

We're all getting to the stage where we start thinking about what we're going to DO with the rest of our lives. All those years that stretch out for seemingly infinity, just blank and empty and waiting to be filled with something. Anything. Does it terrify anyone else that we're pretty close to the stage where we will start making decisions that not only affect the next few years, but will shape the contours of our entire lives. It sure as hell scares me!

But what Colin Creel is getting at is that we must look to our passions to figure out what to do with our years. What stirs your soul? Do that! What makes tears well up in your eyes when you think about it... Do it! What makes you pound the table? Do that! We will be satisfied when we let our hearts live out our passions.

I have two final questions that I think are worth alot of thought...
1. What is the greatest risk of pursuing your dreams? Is it worth it?
2. What is the greatest risk of NOT pursuing your dreams? Is that worth it?


nb. material for the above largely taken from Coliin Creel 2005 'Perspectives' it is not plagurism!

Perspective

Ok, I know that this is unoriginal, but the dictionary definition of perspective is as follows:

6.the faculty of seeing all the relevant data in a meaningful relationship: "Your data is admirably detailed but it lacks perspective."
7.a mental view or prospect: "the dismal perspective of terminally ill patients."

Perspective is a slippery concept at the best of times. You could always argue that because of our very nature, our subjective, selfish nature, perspective is virtually an impossible thing to achieve.
I think that perspective, and by that I mean a rational, sensible outlook on your life, is one of the most difficult things to achieve but by no means impossible.

Maybe I should explain myself a little more. This week, I lost perspective. I lost all sense of reason and rational about my life. Everything went wrong, and in my head, because I had not a shred of perspective, everything was a thousand times more wrong that it actually was.

Gaining a little perspective on things is not easy. For me, it had to be written down in front of me. I had to be told what to do and when to do it. But suddenly, that act of not only taking what's in your head, out of your head and putting it on paper, but also talking to someone else about what's in your head (ok so maybe not ALL of what's in your head!) brings you back into focus with the world.

I know I'll lose perspective many many more times, it is in my nature to panic. Unfortunately for me. But what is fortunate for me is that there are plenty of people around me to remind me to breathe and to help me struggle back into a sense of reason. If anything makes sense from this blog I want it to be this. Never, ever draw away from the people around you completely, because if you're like me and you can lose perspective with people around you, I am not joking when I say you will actually go mad if you are on your own. Let people into your life, and keep the perspective.

Are you happy?

It may sound like a silly question, but how often do you actually think about it? I find myself going through day after day not actually consciously thinking about if I'm happy or not.

So this evening, while I am sitting here unable to see from laughing so so so hard at Eddie Izzard, this evening I am going to ask you that simple question. Are you happy?

If you aren't happy, why are you not happy?
When are you the most happy?
What makes you happy?
What could you do/what could happen to make youself happy?

I'm not being so naiive as to imagine that all you have to do is think happy thoughts and you'll be able to fly to Neverland, I know that life is sometimes crap and there's nothing you can do about it. But very often, in my own experience, when we at least try to find reasons to be happy, it is possible to make a fair amount of the crapness not seem so bad.

SO. Are you happy?

Uphill?

I know it has been a long long time since I wrote anything, the reasons being 1)lack of Internet and 2)lack of time and 3)lack of inspiration.

But now I am back and I have something to write about! Yay.
Everyone who's ever set foot in Durham know just how hilly this lovely place is. And this year, as we're living all those miles away in Scotland... oops I mean Neville's Cross we're feeling the effect of The Hill more than ever. Just the other day when Nicola and I were walking back from the Loveshack (great place!) at around midnight I think I was thinking about this hill that we have come to know if not yet to love.

Nicola pointed out, as we were willing our legs to move us forward, that when you're going up a steep or long hill, you focus all of your thoughts on getting to the top. Everything within you is willing yourself to get closer and closer to the top where you will finally let out a deep sigh and enjoy the downhill you've come to.

I was wondering if people sometimes see their lives as a big uphill trek. I know we sometimes say life feel like we're pushing a steam roller up a hill, or something to that effect, but I was referring more to that focusing of everything you have on getting to the top. On getting to the end. On reaching your destination. Does everything you do point towards one single goal? Do you long for a certain event/situation to materialise? Is this a good way to live? Well, I suppose it depends what your destination is and whether it's worth slogging uphill for. But one thing I know for certain is that when you are forcing yourself up a long and steep hill, you wouldn't do it for no reason. So it certainly wouldn't be worth slaving your life away for no reason, or for a bad reason.

Just a few thoughts.

The Waiting Game

What is anticipation to you? Because it seems to me that sometimes anticipation is a good thing, and sometimes it is the worst thing in the world... perhaps better labelled here as 'dreading'.
I wonder if you enjoy the anticipation before a birthday for example, the build up, the present list... the knowledge that on such and such a day you are having a party and you begin to plan out what you will wear, how you will do your hair, what food there will be etc etc. Do you enjoy that kind of anticipation?

What about when it seems that anticipation is just making an already bad thing much worse. I remember the second time I had to have impressions done of my teeth after my brace was taken off. The first time was aweful, I gagged, the dentist told me to shut up and it was perhaps the worst sensation in my mouth ever. Even worse than custard. But the second time?!?! It was pure hell. I knew exactly what to expect and as the appointment date got nearer and nearer I just about lost it completelty. And you know that people try to convince you that you remember things much worse than they actually are... I discovered they only say that to try and stop you panicking. It was just as bad if not worse because of all the anticipation. What do you think of that kind of anticipation?

And then I wondered whether somethings in life are only good experiences because of the anticipation. There is a slightly different angle here from my first thought because a birthday would be fun even if it were a total surprise. But what about those things that you count down so excitedly, each day crossing off the date on the calender getting closer and closer to that date you've circled in red biro... Would Christmas be as much fun without Advent? What about a holiday without all the pre-holiday preparation?

My final thought was whether sometimes when you're waiting for something you can't have yet and it feels like 'bad' anticipation because you're not just excited about an event but you're willing the days to go by thus wasting the 'here and now', whether when you finally get to where you wanted to be the waiting will have been worth it. I don't know if that makes any sense but here's a slightly trivial example. (Some of you may have guessed this isn't the thing that triggered off these thoughts of 'the waiting game')

A few years ago my parents bought me a beautiful woolly coat in November to be given to me at Christmas. It was, and is absolutely gorgeous. So unusal and warm with that lovely smell you get with proper wool. I wanted it soo badly there and then, the weather was pretty grim and I didn't have a coat anyway so I pestered my parents constantly to give it to me. Of course they refused; it was a Christmas present to be opened at Christmas. Full stop. Anyway, when Christmas finally arrived and I finally got this coat I'd been dying to have for over a month, I was dead chuffed. I reckon I could say I'd wasted time going on at my parents to give it to me when I know they wouldn't but did that change the happiness I got on Christmas morning when I opened it?
I honestly don't know. But what I do know is that sometimes I love waiting for things to happen, and sometimes it just totally sucks.

Happy Bifday to Me!

Just had to say, thank you to everyone wishing me a happy birthday... meant to much to have so many texts and Facebook comments. Thank you! I had a lovely day and am beginning to come to terms with the oldness of 21!

I'll udate again soon with something more interesing, but right now I have to go and pack up my entire room of stuff into one suitcase. (Is it just me or does that sounds totally, logically and physically impossible?!?!?!)

Love to you all. xxx

Tangible.

tan‧gi‧ble  /ˈtændʒəbəl/ Pronunciation Key - Show Spelled Pronunciation[tan-juh-buhl] Pronunciation Key - Show IPA Pronunciation

–adjective
1. capable of being touched; discernible by the touch; material or substantial.
2. real or actual, rather than imaginary or visionary: the tangible benefits of sunshine.
3. definite; not vague or elusive: no tangible grounds for suspicion.
4. (of an asset) having actual physical existence, as real estate or chattels, and therefore capable of being assigned a value in monetary terms.

–noun
5. something tangible, esp. a tangible asset.

So, it seems that something that is 'tangible' is something that really exists, something that you can touch something that is not suspicious, something that has physical existence. This whole idea of something that is 'real' isn't actually as simple as it may seem. Because how are you proving that that thing is 'real', as opposed to imaginery, or fictional?
If you say all that is real is able to be touched, what about emotions... you can't touch jealousy or happiness or fear... but if you were experiencing any of those things you certainly would say it was real.
What about saying that something is real if it seems logical... but when a bumble bee flies around it seems to defy all laws of physics in actually taking off from the ground, but you wouln't say it wasn't real.
Maybe something is real if you can see it, we often say we don't believe things unless we see them with our own eyes... but when someone tells you about something that's happened in their day, you tend to believe them. Of course unless they say something like they'd been eaten alive by a savage wolf...

I know this isn't rocket science and I can't even remember the fancy-pants terms for all the different kinds of proof etc. My point is simply just that 'real' is actually a difficult concept to define, and I know that I often dismiss things as not being real... things that people tell me, feelings that I have... maybe it sometines is worth thinking quite carefully about what real is, and what is real to us by whatever definition we want to use. It seems to me that though it's a pretty difficult thing to pin down, it's also a pretty important thing to get to grips with!

nb. Tim said I should write this blog on 'tangible' so appologies for whatever you make of what I came out with!

Sveden!

Tim and I just got back from our cheap little mini-cruise to Sweden. It was certainly random, but I had a lovely time. We didn't really do much! lol but I had a really great time. Lounging around on the deck of a ship with just the ocean and the sun... I loved it. It was quite an amusing paradox of the beautiful scene I just described... paralled with the hilariousness of our cabin. 'Cabin' being the operative word here. About 3foot square, below the car deack... and the sea level, gaps above and below the walls to circulate the air, noisy Japanese tourists next door... priceless!! Actually no, not priceless, but very cheap!

Still, lovely times, I love the sea. It's hypnotic for me, in any form. Day or night. I could just stare at the sea for endless hours. It is yet another reminder to me of how amazing my God is for creating it all.

Retail Therapy

How and why does it really work? Seriously, all you girls out there, when you are feeling really down and just a little bit rubbish, buying something really truely does help you to feel better.
Surely that's a really stupid thing, that parting with your well earned money for something that may be pretty but certainly isn't essential and will probably get thrown out in a couple of months when fashions change... it actually makes you feel like things are ok again. I am right aren't I ladies?

I just got back from town with my mum who announced just before lunch "I feel really down and I need to buy something" So off we went to town where she's shifted a hefty lump of cash. And now she's all happy and smiley and trying on all her lovely new clothes for my dad... who in turn is sitting on the sofa, trying to watch Crocodile Dundee occasionallynodding and uttering the required "yes dear" after any question. I swear that I am not being stereotypical here. Ok well, maybe I am, but those stereotypes have some grounding you know!

I just don't really understand how and why retail therapy really does honestly make you feel better when you're down. I don't get it. But it sure as hell works for me!

look at the sky.

seriously, no matter how you are feeling, looking at the sky is always amazing. It doesn't matter what the sky looks like... cloudy, rainy, sunny, blue, grey, night-time, foggy, starry... anything. The sky is always beautiful and somehow by looking up it takes you out of your little world and into something much bigger, much more peaceful and much more beautiful.

My mum used to say this to me to remind me how you can look at everything from two sides (at least!)

Two men looked out through bars
One saw the mud, the other saw the stars.

Rumours of another world...

There is an article in this month's Reader's Digest (oh yeah I'm cool) about Near Death Experiences and whether they can offer us any kind of proof about life after death. Dr Melvin Morse, one of the most prominent researchers in this feild has said that sometimes it seems as though the universe itself is preventing him from finding answers to his questions. He says that labelling this area of study a 'grey area' is the best answer we can give.

I recently had a conversation with a very close friend on a similar topic. She was saying that she's terrified of dying because she says that no-one can ever really know what will happen after we die. She thought that even people with the strongest beliefs could never know 100%. She was positively shocked to discover that my mother, father and myself are all totally sure of what will happen after we die.

You see for me it makes sense. I believe in the God of Christianity as a God of unending and unconditional love. I believe that God loves me, and I believe that there are lots of things that prove this to me. (But that's a different discusion!)
I also believe that my dad loves me. And because I know that he lvoes me, I tend to believe the things he tells me. So if my dad says we're going on holiday to France next year, I would believe him. He's never done anything in my life to make me doubt his word so I have no reason not to believe the things he says.

So you see, this God that I believe in loves me more even than my dad does so I believe in a life after death because that's what it says in the Bible. I believe the Bible to be true because I have never had any reason to doubt what it says. It's all believable and truthful as far as I'm concerned. So when it says in the Bible that there is an eternity of life with God for those who love him and accept Jesus as the saviour of the world... I believe it.

There are loads of references to heaven in the Bible, but here are just a fwe to demonstrate why I believe so confidently where I'm going when I die...
Luke 10v20 'rejoice that your names are written in heaven'
2 Corinthians 5v1 'We know that if the earthly tent we live in is destroyed, we have a building from God, an eternal house in heaven built not by human hands.'
Philippians 3v20 'but our citizenship is in heaven.'

For me, this is anything but a grey area.

Important Decisions

I'm thinking of buying an ethically made hoodie to replace my Mary's one because I don't like the fact it's made by Fruit of the Loom who I recently discovered to be unethically making their clothing in Mexico. And I was thinking the other day what it is that pushes us to make decisions. Of course the answer is 'many things'. Decisions are made by things that interest us, people who inspire us, events that influence us (these aren't all deliberately beginning with 'i'!) and of course our beliefs, passions and personalities. The thing is though, that all these things are selfish. We chose a film to watch because we like it, we pick out clothes because we like them, we eat food because we like it, we go on holiday to a certain country because we want to go there. In an ordinary day, I wonder just how many decisions, even down to the tiniest little thing, are made totally selflessly. How many times can you say "I did that completely for someone else, there was nothing in it for, and in fact I actually lost out because of it".
Of course philosophers have argues over the centuries whether it is even possible to do something completely selflessly and whether we are actually inherently selfish beings. But this is something that I think about alot. I once read a reccommendation, to do at least one thing every day for someone that they don't know about, it's teaching a lesson in humility because most of the things we do for other people are in reality done with at least a partial aim for acclamation.
Everyone knows that I get all passionate and excited by Fairtrade and ethical trading, I can't help it, it's something that interests, inspires and influences me and of course I struggle to understand why people wouldn't be passionate about it. But of course we're all different people and we all get moved by different things. The thing is, I think we all need lessons in selfless acts, because, seriously, how difficult is it just to work out what your actions do to someone else, even and perhaps especially if you will never meet that person.

I am sorry if this comes across as judgmental or 'fairtrade-bashing', two things I have been acused of doing in the past, and two things I desparetely don't want to be. I just felt that I needed to be straightforward and say what I think. I would never judge anyone else on their decisions, that really isn't my place. But I want people to know what moves me to make my decisions. That, truely and honestly is the only aim of this blog.

5 reasons...

why hamsters are rubbish...
1) they are incredibly boring, you cannot interact with a hamster and ours never even goes on its wheel.
2) after about one week on not cleaning the cage, they smell really really gross.
3) they wee. everywhere, and for such a small animal they have a surprising amount of wee.
4) you can't even hug a hamster, you'd probably squish it.
5) seeing as they aren't much fun alive you might think they'd be good to eat, but they're so small and scrawny it wouldn't be worth it.

so there, hamsters are officially rubbish. well at least by my dodgy logic!

the little things...

...that make it all worth while.

I was thinking today how funny it is that usually it's the really tiny insignificant events that happen when I get home from work that get me through work. Let me explain, a few days ago, every third thought throughout the day was about getting my new mp3 speakers that mum was picking up for me in town. Another day I spent the whole day looking forward to the bottle of wine that I knew my dad would be opening at tea time. I bought some really nice new knickers the other day, and I always get excited about wearing them. It's like the Lighthouse Family song "whatever gets you through the day.... that's your way"

But then I've always been like that, getting exctied about little things that no-one else really knows or cares about. For example, every birthday I make sure that I wear my favourite pyjamas, that I have some really nice underwear, that mum gets in my favourite cereal for breakfast and so on and so forth. It may sound like I'm a simpleton, but I prefer to look at it that I'm easily pleased by things that aren't a big deal, and so it's easy to make me happy!

Escapism

I am an escapist, self confessed. Sometimes I wish I wasn't because so often I struggle to face reality. But usually it means that I can get away from whatever is going on around me by imagining myself somewhere much better. Sometimes, however, no amount of imagination can take me away from where I am. Today was a day like that.
It didn't start off brilliantly when I went to get a parcel from the Post Office... the most un-navigable place in Britain, and the most un-helpful staff in the world. But anyway, then I get to work to discover that I'm actually working till 6.30pm rather than 5.30. And with the most disrespecful, ungrateful, rowdy bunch of kids in the universe. I tried all day to see them through better eyes, and to remember that the God who loves me loves them just as much... but by the afternoon when they were fighting, answering back, swearing and chucking stuff around I just gave up. Even thinking about my holiday which I'm so looking forward to couldn't take me away from them.
Then, to make matters worse, the text I sent home to let them know i was going to be late didn't get through, and apparantly my brother needed the car at 6pm. So I had a fairly nasty phone call from him at 6.10pm.
I'm tired, worn out, fed up... and I have to do it all again tomorrow. I just wish I had the power to imagine it all away.

Hello hello again...

well, Stage Fright is over and done for another year. How strange it feels to have 'been there, done that' already. Stage Fright is always such a highlight of my year and anyone who has ever been part of a holiday camp will know something of how it feels.

'Emotional rollercoaster' is a phrase I often use to describe SF, it's hard work, frustrating, exhausting, emotional, fun, hilarious, tiring, rediculous, unorganised and so full of God it's just incredible. I am sad to be home again, but then if we didn't have the end, we'd never have a beginning. I know that's the most obvious and pathetic thing to say, but there we have it.

Now I'm home for another two weeks of fun fun fun at work. Maybe I'll think of something remotely more profound before long!
Hope everyone is well.
x x x

Welcome back to me....

... appologies for my major lack of communication recently, have been very busy as I explained, but at least now I have the Internet working again (thanks Tim!) So here I am again, thought not for long, I'm going to Stage Fright tomorrow, somewhere near Lincoln. Woohoo exotic or what?! But actually I am really really excited about seeing everyone again. So that'll be fun, I have a nice big bag of dressing up clothes at the ready, so be waiting for plenty of crazy photos!

Last weekend I went with Tim to Chester to visit a school friend who's there doing an engineering placement thing, and it was really fun, but I had an interesting train journey there, just something I thought worth writing about. I have mentioned I know before about the Great British public (or is it that great British Public..?!) and certainly I experienced something of what my mother terms "the World War II Spirit" on the way. I hate train stations, I don't mind trains as much, but I really hate train stations. People are rude, and unfriendly and far too wrapped up in their own selfish worlds to ever acknowledge anyone else. But then make something go wrong, and suddenly everyone works together! It's bizzare!

In my case the 'something to go wrong' was a cancelled train. My stomach dropped right down to my toes when I heard that dreaded announcement... "the 11.34 train to Llandudnoe has been cancelled" full stop. No appology, no alternative.. it's just cancelled, vanished in to thin air. Great. Anyway, after discovering a few other people in my same predicament we all worked out which train to get instead and it was fine. But the atmosphere changes so dramatically as soon as anything goes wrong. People chat to each other, find out where they're going, talk about the one thing they have in common at that moment in time... the rubbish English train system...

I guess that's the point really isn't it... a random sea of faces at a train station have nothing in common. But a group of people all trying to find a cancelled train do have something in common. They have two things in common, a common need and a common hate! This is what my mum means by World War II Spirit, people open up and work together when they are faced with a need or danger. Of course I'm not comparing the experiences of a World War and a cancelled train! Simply drawing a parallel between the way people react to adversity, no matter how small it may be. And again I'll say it, I am glad to be British. Obviously not all the time... and I'm certainly not proud of alot of things associated with us and our country. But in essence it's not a bad place to live!

i'm still here...

...for anyone who may chance to read my blog, i haven't written for so long for three reasons:
1) i was in chester last weekend
2) couldn't get the internet to work until today when tim fixed it for me
3) have been working like a blue arsed fly.

but i will update before stage fright, that's a promise.
kat

Lloyd the Llama

adopt your own virtual pet!

It's Tuesday.

Hey everyone. Or anyone. Or no-one. Whatever!
I've been pretty busy lately, worked a full on 9 hour shift today. Woohoo go me. I have such a love-hate relationship with my job. I love the kids at the same time as hating them, well what I mean is I hate their situations in life. It's so so so unfair that some children in this world are not loved as much as other children. It breaks my heart and in a really unethical-1984-Big Brother-type-way I kind of wish people had to go through a screening process before they could have kids. If people aren't going to be good parents then they shouldn't be allowed to even have kids to begin with.
Obviously I know that you could never do that to people, but just sometimes, when I'm looking at the faces of such beautiful children in the knowledge that their parents don't deserve tham I wish with all my heart I could do something about it.
I know that I talk about this alot, and everyone is probably sick of me waffling on, but I can't help it. I care about the kids and so I can't help talking about them alot!

Anyways, work is taking up most of my time at the moment, as Tim said we went to the beach last Sunday with all my side of the family which was fun. Freezing cold in the sea, but I still swam! Eventually! lol. I love the beach!
Well, I'm writing this in the living room and Home and Away is on now so it's ttfn!
x x x

Say hello to...

Charlene*. Possibly one of the strangest kids on the planet. She's five years old, cackles like a witch, has head lice and actually has white skin. I kid you not that her skin is white. White I tell you! It looks like she's had talc rubbed permanently into her skin! A number of the other children comment about how strange she looks.

But aside from her appearence, Charlene has won my heart. I love her. She's such a little darling and just loves to be around people. She always wants to hold me hand, hug my leg, sit on my knee... (the latter of which is great when I can actually see the lice crawling around her hair.)

The thing is that Charlene is blatently neglected at home. I met her mother for the first time this morning, it's always been her 15 year old sister who brings and collects her. As far as I know, today was the first time ever that her mother has actually shown up in person to the kids club. It seems that no-one really bothers with her at home, she's come with a big thick fleece for the past three days and I've been meling in the heat just looking at her. When all the other reception kids had a bug day, Tony came as a bumble bee, Larry came as the cutest little ladybird in the world... and Charlene had nothing. The poor child is crawling with head-lice and no-one's done anything about it. It truely breaks my heart and I worry about how she's going to turn out. I don't think she gets nearly enough love and attention. I get very protective over her and often yell at the other kids to leave her alone, but you see because she's so small they take advantage of her and delight in scaring her, or taking her toys from her. So I just get really mad with them!

I really love her, and her strange little ways!

*again I've changed her name.

Meet Tony...

Tony Forest*. One of the strangest kids in the world. On the surfae he's an adorable looking 5 year old with loads of energy and character. But underneath that sweet little face is a monster! He can be so ferocious and has absolutely no concept of gentleness. Swinging off my arms and leaping on my legs, I've almost lost a limb or two to his exuberence. He has the most selective of hearing, often causing me to kneel down and practically yell in his ear before he hears what I'm asking him!

I don't know if he has any siblings but I reckon he must be an only child because he is useless at sharing and doesn't understand how to play fairly. For example, playing table football, whenever he scores a goal that's fine, every time I score one it doesn't count. He's allowed to push the ball with his hand, but I'm not. Playing pop-up pirates, he's allowed to have twice as many pieces as me and that's fair, but when I reverse it, it's not fair! Sometimes it is fun to tease him! Hee hee.

He really does live in his own little world, last week after Sports Day he left his school uniform at school and when his mother questioned what he was going to wear the next day he answered cheerfully, pulling a spare pair of pants from his back "well at least I've still got my pants!"

Little darling.

Oh and as requested, here's a picture...





*name changed.

Introducing...

...Larry*

Larry is one of the sweetest boys in the whole world. He's 5 and in Reception and is just the kind of child you wish was yours. He's perfectly happy to play on his own, or with other children he doesn't mind. He can make up games with nothing but a piece of string and has the most beautiful little face you've ever seen. He giggles all the time, and when his mum comes to pick him up he always goes over to her and throws his arms round her and starts telling her all about his day. He has a beautiful little stilted voice and really is just the nicest and easiest little boy to have in the Kids Club.

I'm starting with the nice ones!
Enjoy your day!
*name changed for safety reasons!

60th post...

...coming to you direct from my bedroom! Yay, that's right, I finally have the wonders of wireless internet installed on my laptop. It's brilliant isn't it!! I know for all you who have laptops with it inbuilt this probably isn't a big deal but it is for me! Yay! And to make it even better, I can now play DVDs on my laptop, so have just finished crying at Cold Mountain. I'd only seen it once before and though I thought it was good the first time, it is much better the second time.

Anyways as easy as it would be for me to rabbit on about wireless and DVDs for ages, that wasn't the original topic of this post. I've been wanting to write about the kids' club where I work for a while now because it's becoming such a big part of me. Not least in the fact I'm working there every hour of every day that they're open! But also because as I'm getting to know the kids I'm becoming more attached to them, either because they're so endearing or likable, or because they are absolute nightmares and they drive me up the walls! But we love them all equally! At least we're supposed to, not so easy in practice!

I think I may have mentioned before how even thought I enjoy it, it's a very difficult environment to be in because of the very nature of an out of school club that children go to because their parents are working such long hours they have to be cared for either end of school hours. There are some children who are with us from 8am-6.15pm which is such a long time to be away from home. But you see there's a strange irony here that I truely believe that some of the children are better with us than at home. And that upsets me so much because I'm comparing their experiences to my own of a wonderful family based upbringing.

There are some children who are so horrible and ho badly behaved and they can be so rude to me which I can't stand. I hate rudeness from kids no matter what the situation. Call me old-fashioned but there is absolutely no need for rudeness, from anyone of any age. But then I see them with their parents and begin to get a glimpse of why they are so aweful. Some blatently have no relationship with their parents, many are from very broken and complicated families. Some have parents who can't cope with them, who don't discipline them, who spoil them... the list goes on. And so while I enjoy my job because I try so hard to make it good for all the kids but especially those who I know have tough lives, I could come away crying every day due to the state some of them are in and there's nothing I can do to help it.

It terrifies me that one day I'll have the responsability of raising kids and while everyone might tell me I'd be a good mum, what if I'm not?! Life is just so hard on so many kids and it's not their fault, and it's not fair and there's nothing that I can do about it. It breaks my heart.
I think I'll introduce you to some of the kids over the next few days/weeks and let you into my world a little bit!

black over bill's mother...

My mother always says this when there are black clouds in the distance. All my life I've wondered who Bill is/was and why it's black over his mother's house. I guess I'll never know the answer. But today even though it is sunny there are black clouds looming and I'm pretty sure they'll move from Bill's mother's over to here later on.

Isn't it annoying how the weather does that to you. You think it's all going to be nice and sunny; the newspaper tells you it will be, the nice man on the news at 10 the night before told you it would be fine, and when you wake up it looks like it's going to be sunny... everything is going well. And then you look up and there it is. A huge big black cloud not actually doing anything, but threatening to ruin everything you've ever planned. It's just hanging there and mocking you and there's nothing you can do about it except wait for the inevitable. The torrential rain that you dread, but know will arrive sooner or later.

I hate black clouds. They destroy everything for two reasons. They make your view look ugly. Everything was nice and sunny before and then now there's this big blotch out of the window. And the second reason is that black clouds always threaten to rain, but they don't always. So you're left in a kind of limbo between wanting to carry on as normal but then hanging back incase everything goes wrong. But then it might not actually rain, but then it might. But it might not... and so on and so forth.

I hate black clouds.

We Brits...

I was reminded again yesterday of the phenomenon that is 'The British Public'. We are wierd aren't we? I mean how many other nations would have an open air concert continue regardless of the pouring rain? It's rediculous really, and it made me laugh so much when I saw people (including myself!) sat under umbrellas, tarpaulins and jackets listening to a brass band concert. Can you get any more British than that?! I don't think so. No wonder the French all think we're raving mad! It's because we are!!! And as my mum so rightly said, there even seems to be a feeling of proud endurance at having 'stuck it out'.

The concert was brilliant, and it's just another one of those British events that we'll talk about for years to come. "Granny, tell us again of the concert that got practically flooded but where the band carried on regardless..." Or then again, maybe it won't ever be referred to again because it'll be lost in the 'sea' (ba-dum-ching) of other rained off events. But all the same, you have to love the Brits and their ways. We even sang Jerusalem, the National Anthem and Land of Hope and Glory.

I love being British! (Just don't mention any of this to Oli!)

the sky is blue

...well it is. and plus my dad told me to write that. and then called me a 'daft head' for writing it. i don't know, parents!

anyways, went out for a lovely meal with my brothers today. mum treated us all to a nice lunch together and said we could go anywhere we wanted. so off we went into town to find something nice. trouble was we had three very different ideas of 'nice'. i wanted a nice posh sandwich deli france style, whereas richard was after an all you can eat chinese. problem.

anyways after much deliberation and near arguments we settled on a bakery, bought a load of nice stuff and some sticky buns and went and sat on the grass. whatever else harrogate may be it is nice for just 'sitting' in! and we had a lovely time, finishing up with a cup of tea for edd, a muffin for rich and a frappuccino for me! yay for brothers!

chao x x x

mental take over

yesterday was quite a dramatic day at work. actually no, i take that back, it was a very dramatic day. while the boys were playing football outside, i noticed that someone was lying on the ground at the far end of the pitch. as i started walking towards him, another child came running up the field very quickly, i shouted to him what was wrong and he said "he's shaking". so i asked who it was as i started running towards him. the answer came back, oliver.

when i arrived, i saw that mac had been right, oliver was lying at an unusual angle on the floor and his whole body was twitching. his eyes had rolled to one side and he didn't respond to anything i said. this is what i mean by mental take over because i am a panicker, and i would have thought that something like that would totally freak me out. yet something inside me totally took over and i immediately knew what to do. i called for claire (the boss) to come over and asked the other children to move away.

the ambulance arrived and took oliver away. he looked so small lying on the ground with an oxygen mask on. we took everyone else inside and kept calm trying to stop them from re-enacting the whole thing and to keep them away from the windows. one little girl was very confused and thought that the police were here to take someone away.

when i think over what happened it all seems so surreal. i don't think and any point i was actually thinking about what i was doing. i just did. it amazes me how the human mind is able to take over and be rational in times of complete emergency. there's no time to think, you just have to do. i don't understand why or how it works, but i thank God with all my heart that we have this instinct within us.

and hopefully oliver will be alright.

day all ruined.

This post is a lament to my destroyed day, due to the unavoidable act of my brother eating the last bowl of my favourite cereal. I am not over-exaggerateing, I feel forlorn and miserable, because as I was waking up I could think of nothing else but a lovely bowl of the Crunchy Bran that I knew was waiting for me downstairs. But alas, it was not to be.

I arrived downstairs, greeted both my mother and my brother and I opened the cupboard to extract the box of Crunchy Bran. On seeing that it was not there, I quickly looked up, it must already be out on the counter. But no. On the table. Again no. With a wimper I exclain, "where are the Crunchy Bran...?" My brother emits a guilty sigh. I knew it. He'd eaten the lot and I'd only had one bowl.

So now my breakfast and my day are ruined. I don't want any of the other cereals, they are all sawdust in comparison with the delights of Crunchy Bran. And so I will be hungry all day because I can't cope without breakfast. Call me petty, immature, a drama queen, what you will, today I do not care. I am cross.

how many things can you do at once?

i'm challenging myself. though not through choice!
right now i am talking to three people on msn, writing this blog, writing a letter, sending an email, eating my lunch and making a picnic. quite impressive i thought.
i wonder how many men could do that? no, sorry that's mean and sexist. men can multitask, just not in the same things women can! but then i wouldn't be able to do a load of office things all at once like my dad can!
i love how men and women are so different!

sorry this is short, but have lots to do. love you all. x

me and edd

just thought, for lack of something to write that i'd put in a photo of my and my brother at our murder mystery party. we were a rich italian brother and sister from 1914. hee hee. i love this picture!

life, the universe and everything

Hello from sunny Harrogate.

I've just been reading everyone elses blogs, whilst eating pancakes, and it would be so apt for me to add my thoughts on the year, coming home, being in Durham/not being in Durham. We have all written very much the same thing, that the year has been amazing and we're all feeling melancholic having left, and we are all going to be facing various issues over the summer, for the most part, alone away from each other. University life is such a strange concept, we are all forced to live two lives and it is very hard in many ways to equate them both.

One of the things that was talked about in church today was how everyone wants to lead a profitable and fulfilling life. We all want to see the purpose and feel the fruits of our actions and lives and I guess one of the difficult things about coming home is having to get new goals and actions from the ones we have in Durham. But I think there is something pretty important to learn here, that our goals shouldn't really change that dramatically. If I think about the things I want to achieve in my life, and the kind of person that I want to become, it really is a challenge to strave for that just as much in Harrogate, where nothing much happens, as in Durham where I feel my life is 'lived' much more fully.

I've said this before, but a philosophy I want to have is that in view of the fact we can never get back a single minute of life lived, surely the most important way to live is so not waste a single minute of the life we have.

Boys and Toys

it fascinates me, the phenomenon of how drastically boys change when around plastic guns, swords, or plastic little green and blue men and horses and canons. i played Risk today with some friends, and the buys suddenly became these war driven soldiers on a mission to take over the whole world. why is it that these things promote such a major change in a boy? is it the primeval instinct to invade and conquer? or maybe the macho image of power? whatever it is, give a boy a little toy soldier and he becomes a ruthless, power hungry maniac!

it does make me laugh when i see my friends brandishing plastic guns at me because i've said something to wind them up, but on a much more sober note, how easy it is to transfer the playful fighting i see in my friends, to the real life fighting in some countries of the world. when young children are given guns and told to shoot... to kill. it seems there is a part of us all, but i think, not sexistly, particularly in men, that can be converted into a killing machine. and that frightens me. alot.

when the day sets itself against you...

... oh the things that can happen!
it would take me a long time to do justice to yesterday, sunday 18th june, but as amie so aptly put it, it was an intense day. and nothing happened the way we had wanted it to.

to begin with, we had decided not to go to mary's day because it was £7.50 and looked pants. we planned to get all dressed up and go drink pimm's and eat strawberries by the river. of course that good plan sort of fizzled out when it rained all morning. so, not losing spirit we decided to picnic out in the cloisters, it's pretty out there. but, predictably, there was a band playing there for mary's day. so we went up to the chapel where it's nice and quiet and very beautiful. however, in a fit of conscience we wound up eating just outside the chapel so as not for anyone to think we were being disrespectful. we had a great time, pimm's, crisps, dips, ciabatta, carrots... some great photos.

then the next plan was to go on a boat on the river, there were enough of us for two boats so we got all competitive as you do and started talking about races. we did split up the actual rowers, helen, helen and amie just to make it fair. we got down to the bridge... and the boats we not open, apparantly it's not possible to row in the rain. so, after attempting to jump onto the prince bish as it went under the bridge... on to brown sugar for a hot chocolate yay! but not surprisingly brown sugar was packed. after a great deal of discussion and 'no i don't like that cafe' we settled on esquires, giggling on the way down about how much that day had not gone according to plan but how much fun we were having all the same.

once there we guzzled the strawberries with nutella and cream from the coffees, and talked and laughed and sang and just generally spent time being 'us'. not long before we were thinking of leaving, a man came up and was peering into the window (we were sitting outside, extending the cover overhead with umbrellas!). we started talking to him, and found out his name was michael. he has lived in durham most of his life, but he hasn't had a house or a job for a long time. he looked in a pretty bad way really. amie bought him a coffee and ffi got him some more rizlas, and we talked about all kinds of things. i was shocked to discover that there is nothing for homeless people in his age group in durham. the nearest shelter is newcastle, and there don't seem to even be any soup kitchens. i felt ashamed to be drinking a mocha and eating nutella.

michael asked us if he could come to church with us that evening and we said of course. on the way back we prayed that whether he came of not, he would remember us and would feel something of God's amazing peace and love for him. i love knowing that God loves me and you in exactly the same way as he loves michael. our God is amazing. michael did come to church with us, and two rows back from him was his godmother he hadn't spoken to in years. coincidence? not at all.

an intense day indeed. i'd learnt that morning that my grandad was in hospital again, it's nothing to worry about, but it's there in my mind all the same. my dad got hit a few weeks ago on the motorway and the car is totally ruined. my dad is ok. these are all reminders to me of how little control we have over the events of the day, but also of how much control i believe God has over every single event. it's a humbling thing to realise.

when the day sets itself against you... the things that can happen!

Smells

as in good smells not bad ones!
i was walking earlier today along thinking about smells and scents that make you feel like you've suddenly been transported somewhere quite different. i'm sure most people know what i mean when i say this, and i began to think about the things that transport me to other places. for example, the smell of buttercup syrup reminds me of going skiing because the medicine bottle spilt over all our things. The smell of freshly cut grass makes me think of summer and rain makes me think of New Zealand. Lynx Africa takes me back to the first guy i ever fancied, and the smell of magazines makes me feel sick because it's the smell of dentist waiting rooms and i hate dentists with a fierce passion. dusty roads smells of Peru and Calvin Klein Be smells of Tim to me.
the point i'm making is that i like smells, i love it when i smell something that takes me somewhere else, it's like i was talking about in a previous post, it brings back all sorts of memories, and if i close my eyes and think hard enough, sometimes i feel as though i really have been transported back to the place of that smell.

PRAGUE ROCKS!!!!!

oh i have had the most awesome few days in prague, and it would take me years literally to explain everything properly, and you would probably get bored and jealous of my ranting, so here is my prague experience in a bunch of words/phrases:

beautiful architecture, fantastic apple strudel, absinthe, singing the same songs over and over in my head, amazing gothic cathedral, lots of walking, incredible views, laughing until almost sick, dancing in ma-hu-sive klute-like club, negociating scary trams, trying to stop Gary from punching waiter, too many sexual inuendos, rusks, great food, beautiful scarves, late nights and early mornings, sunshine, cocktails, wonderful icecream from Dream and Cream (hee hee), delayed flight, new and closer friends, arriving home in daylight!, highlight of the year.

well, just read over that, is a pretty random list of stuff, but there you go, would be shorter than writing it all out! this really is a flying visit to durham, off to CU houseparty tomorrow to the lovely wensleydale and i'm really looking forward to that. this really is 'the time of our lives' if i can say so without the cliche, which is admittedly pretty hard, but i am trying! i remember when i was younger, like around 14/15, someone telling me to grab every opportunity that comes at me in life with both hands. my one greatest ambition is to get to the end of my life and know with all my heart that i wouldn't change anything i did in my life if i were to go back and start again. i want to know that i've lived my life with every ounce of energy i had, and to enjoy every moment.
right now i feel pretty good. i have had a wonderful term, i'm being given so many opportunities to do things here, and even though i am so unbelievably tired it's getting hard to focus on anything... i am so so so happy.
i love my life!
x x x

We're off to see the Wizard, the wonderful Wizard of Oz...

... well that is if he lives in Prague, which I'm not sure about, I'll have to get back to you on that one. But anyroad, this is my last post for a while, because I'm off to Prague! Yay. Very exciting. We're singing a couple of concerts and then sightseeing and partying til Friday. I was thinking this morning that I've never been anywhere in the world where I didn't at least vaguely speak the language. In other words even though I've travelled a fair amount, I've acutally only been to English, French or Spanish speaking countries. So it'll be an experience for me to practice my non-existent Czech!

Well, this can't be any longer I've still got a load of stuff to do. I hope I've got everything! Passport Bridget. Pants.
Well, that's all I really need really at the end of the day!
Enjoy the sunshine and I'll see you all soon. Provided I don't get hijacked anyways, but it's ok, my insurance covers me for that! Not sure who gets the money seeing as I will be locked up somewhere... maybe my family? Ah well.
Chao.
x x x
ps... we here he is a wiz of a wiz if ever a wiz there was.

Friends

aren't friends the best things ever? well at least since sliced bread.
but seriously, i don't know where i'd be without all my friends. and it's only since coming to durham that i've realised how amazing true friends are. how there are people here that love me and accept me for who i am and would do anything for me. how incredible is that?!

last night we had a very girly girly night with the 'mildert lot' and it was soooo much fun. proper post-exam destressness. (which btw totally is a word, i looking in the dictionary.) and not only was it fun and brilliant to just chill out and go wild, but also i was given a place to sleep, and shampoo to have a shower (thanks vicky!) and it was awesome to be around such great people! i know this doesn't sound much, but my friends here in durham, all of them, are such an important part of my life, i just feel so privilaged and blessed by everyone.

so yeah, here's to all my friends.

13 hours...

... and it'll all be over and maybe i'll be able to write something decent because i can empty my brain of daft facts about language/history/culture/identity/etc/etc.

i appear to be just about last to finish exams,
story of my life that is, being last. roll on the day when i drop my surname!

The time has come

the walrus said,
to talk of many things.
Of shoes and ships and sealing wax,
and cabbages and kings.
And why the sea is boiling hot,
and whether pigs have wings...

Hee hee

Just done a really funny 'What Kind of Kisser Are You?' thing and here's the results:

You Are a Sensitive Kisser

For you, kissing is a way to connect And you need lot of care, attention, and privacy It may take you a while to kiss someone... But when you do, it's total fireworks

What's" Your Kissing Style?

Got the link off Helen's blog but as I dont know how to put it on mine then I'm sure she wouldn't mind you getting it off hers if you want to do it too.... helencoad@blogspot.com

AAAARRGGHHH!!!

Do you ever wish you could decant the thoughts in your mind? You know, like Dumbledore does in Harry Potter, he puts all his thoughts into a Pensive, which as two major benefits. First his mind doesn't get so full of thought after thought after thought so that if eventually feels like either it's going to burst or he's going to go insane... and second he can come back to thoughts that he would have otherwise forgotten about. Sounds great doesn't it. Unfortunately us Muggles have to put up with a pen and paper.

Sometimes it is so easy to forget everything around you. When you're with someone you feel so totally confortable with that you forget there even is a world out there, or when you're lying in bed and you don't have to get up and you just doze in and out of such a beautiful thoughtless sleep, or when you see something that is so incredibly breathtakingly exquisite, or when you are listening to a song that for whatever reason transports you somewhere else... You just forget all the things that you have to think about and it's blissful.

But then there is always that moment when it all comes rushing back, when you remember. Sometimes I think that having no memory would be amazing, but then, when I get to those moments that I do forget I wouldn't trade them for the world, and they wouldn't be half as amazing if I couldn't remember why they were amazing. Does that make sense? I don't think so but I know what I mean.

Mindless Necessity

Just done an exam and got another 4 to go. Wahoo!
But instead of revision I've spent a fair amount of time just faffing about, or procrastinating as seems to be our favourite word at the moment.
I was just looking on the Disney Princess website to find out which one I would be, and I was all set to fix the answers so I could come out as Pocahontas - my favourite princess, I always wanted to be her when I was a kid, and still do in fact! Anyway when the first question was about what kind of hair I have I just couldn't lie and put 'long and dark and straight' I had to put 'blonde' even though my lovely room mate said I should put 'red'. IT GOT BLEACHED IN THE SUN I DID NOT DIE MY HAIR GINGER!!!! How many times people?!

Anyways, so I came out as Belle which I am very happy about because she is my second favourite princess and I want a dress like hers. And now I am listening to Disney songs and singing and dancing along.
I would say that's what exams do to you, but I would do that anyway. So that would have been a totally pointless thing to say.
You know I was all set to write something profound about exams today but I don't really want to any more I'm in a lovely Disney world. Oooh, one of my friends made a lovely comment about me yesterday, well I don't know if he intended it to be lovely but I thought it was, he said he would love to know what the world I live in was like, because it obviously isn't the same one he lives in! It's so true!!!

Love to the masses. x xx x

long time.

... in a different sense this time. it is four years today since tim asked me out. amie asked me this morning if i feel alot different since then. i was thinking, yeah i guess i do. so much has happened since that day and at my little baby 16 years old i really do think i am different from then! i think tim and i probably have both changed alot since then. hopefully in good ways!

i don't have another exam now until tuesday. i feel like i'm in a constant state of pensiveness at the moment and i dont really know why. i just feel pretty melancholy and thoughtful! the weather has been so beautiful recently, yesterday was pouring with rain and today is perfectly still and calm and i feel like i just want to be outside, on top of a hill, watching the sunset and thinking. all on my own with no-one there. i dont know why, i don't want to be away from people, i just feel like i want to be on top of a hill!

random. xxx

long time.

i have managed to not write for so long that i can't even think of something to write now.
i could write about exams, and how i hardly see anyone who isn't stressed except me. but exams are boring. so i wont. i could write about the rabbits that have been breading like rabbits that live outside our windows, there are so many now and are so cute to watch, but are a distraction from revision!

i could write about something totally random like how odd it is that you only will ever see things through your own eyes and i'm not even being philosophical here talking about perspectives, i genuinely mean that it is strange that you can never, ever see the same thing that someone else sees. what if every person sees a completely different world from everyone else? we will never, ever know the answer to that.

i could write something serious and thought provoking about just how difficult it is for us to live the lives we want to live, how hard it is to do what we want. it says in the Bible how we always do the things we don't want to do and never seem to do the things we want to do. how true that is. tim wrote about regrets on his blog, and how easy it is to regret either doing or not doing something. i find myself making new resolutions almost every day and then at the end of the day find that they haven't featured in my life that day at all. i am left feeling ashamed that i can't be a better person... and then the next day i fail to do what i want again.

i could write about so many things. i feel like my head is a big water balloon that if filling up with stuff. some of it useful, some of it not! and it feels like anytime soon it might burst and i'll become totally insane! i sometimes think that i think too much, and in thinking that i realise that i am thinking about thinking, which is just another thing to add to my brain that is already so full of thoughts.

i have often wished that i were really good at something, really good at art, or music, or poetry, or writing stories, because i have so much inside me that i want to express, so many feelings about things that i want to show other people but i feel like i have no medium in which to express myself. i have tried drawing how i feel, but it doesn't work. how then did the famous painters do it? i have tried to write what is inside me but it just doesn't come out right, it just seems clumsy and stupid.

i could write so many things.
but these are just a few of my thoughts at the moment. life is interesting.

Easter

...i asked my brother what i should write about today and this is what he said. easter.
so, seeing as it is a pretty good thing to talk about i will. he's quite clever really.

i read tim's blog just now about easter day and what it means to him, you should read it it's www.pigeonboy.blogspot.com i was thinking about how different people approach easter and its meaning. the sermon at church yesterday was about looking for Jesus among the living not among the dead. that means looking for him in the real world not just in a dark stuffy stone church building every few public holidays. i guess though that this is all christianity is to alot of people. it's sad for me to think this because Jesus is so alive to me and my life is worth living because of him.

something else tim had written on his blog (he's a very good writer actually) was about we live our lives to love and to be loved. in every context i can think of this is the case... religion, friends, relationships, life itself. life is all about love... every kind of love you can think of, and something i've begun to realise recently is how important it is to love 'life'.

i guess i should end with some cheesy cliched quote or proverb or something. but i'm not going to! enjoy your day everyone. love life.
x x x

Road Rage, you just gotta laugh...

... well i was laughing yesterday and the nutter who got really mad at me! let me explain:
i was driving down Leeds Road (which is a fairly major road for anyone who doesn't know!) at 9pm last night and i wanted to turn off to the right but as i indicated and slowed down i suddenly thought, from looking at the road layout that you couldn't turn that way, also i would have had to cross two lanes of traffic, so i quickly turned off the indicator and drove straight on. when i began to indicate there was no-one behind me, but as i pulled off there was a car behind me who must have been going really fast and he slammed on his horn. (sorry i shouldn't be sexist it could have been a woman!) and he kept on his horn almost all the way down the rest of that road to the roundabout. i couldn't help but giggle, i really hadn't done that much and he shouldn't have been driving in my boot! anyways then i went all the way round the roundabout to go back the way i'd come and he beeped at me again as he overtook me. i really did find it funny, especially that he was probably swearing at me and getting himself (or herself) into a right tizz when i couldn't care less!

so there's the lesson for today, don't get angry on the road, it doesn't help anyone because the person you're angry at won't even know, or care and is probably laughing at you! i think that alot of life is like that. when you get angry with someone it's only effective if they care, otherwise you just get wound up yourself. my parents (as wise as they are) always used to say about people embarrassing you that the only person who can make you embarrassed is yourself, because if you didn't let it bother you, then nothing anyone did would cause you embarrassment. it is true, though i'm sure they only said it so they could carry on trying to embarrass us in public!

so there's my thought for the day, whatever your emotions are, they are probably caused by and affect only you, or at least mainly you. so don't get stressed, angry or embarrassed when it's probably not worth it and definately bad for your health! be happy and all that jazz!
x x x

Scary Dreams

hello. i thought today, instead of writing about real life i would tell you all about the very very odd dream i had last night.

i was round at tim's house and we were in his bedroom laughing about something, i didn't know what but it was very very funny. then suddenly his mum stuck her head round the door and got very cross because we were making far too much noise and she was ill and we should have remembered that. i didn't find it odd at all that she was wearing really bright clothes and had huge peacock feather earrings...
then suddenly we were downstairs in his living room and his mum had just dropped a whole bowl of blackcurrants on the floor and we were trying to pick them up without squashing them into the carpet. i had carefully stepped between the berries and was picking them up when tim jumped on my back and made me fall over squishing berries everywhere.
then suddenly i was at work (a kids' club) cutting out pictures of cars that the kids had drawn to put on a big piece of black paper to mount on the wall.
then i woke up.

i read recently that 80% of our dreams come from the day before, but i have NO idea where all that came from, except maybe the bit about work. and i always find it really odd how nothing ever seems strange in a dream, even the most bizarre things, you just accept them as if it's all normal! but then i suppose we could get into a big huge discussion about what normal actually is anyway. but i won't go into that here!
bye bye.

hello everyone and anyone.
today has been quite a fun day. i watched myself as a little kid on the video we have this morning, it was very amusing and it really felt like i was watching another person more than myself. i guess because i don't actually remember saying and doing those things it just doesn't feel like me. but anyways i summed up that i was quite a sweet but incredibly annoying child!
i thought i would put in a random picture to make this post more fun:

this is me holding the baby of a friend from church. she was only one day old! (the baby not the friend...) anyways just thought i'd put it on here for no particular reason. (well actually the reason is because the picture i wanted to put on won't upload so i chose this one instead but you didn't really need to know all that)

so there you go. funness.
i also went to tim's house today for elevenses and lunch (he thinks all i think about is food!) and then i went to work and then my friend's house where we had fun looking at more videos of us, but this was from only two years ago!

so all in all a fun day for me! i hope everyone is well and happy and happy and well. i'm not working tomorrow but i'm going to have to do lots of revision seeing as i haven't done any all week. oh no! (insert sarcasm here)
love y'all x x x

Don't Let The Sun Go Down On Me

... i'm just listening to this on the elton john album, and i was thinking how weird (did i spell that right tim?!) it would be if the sun never did go down. do you think we'd all just feel like we had to stay awake all the time, i'm not very good at sleeping when it's light outside, maybe we'd all just get tireder and tireder until we couldn't survive any more, and then it would have been vrey bad for the sun not to have gone down. i dont think mr elton john should sing songs like that when the consequences would be so disasterous for mankind.

but then i suppose he also sings one called crocodile rock and it wouldn't be very good if a rock was made out of crocodiles either, you'd sit down for your picnic and get gobbled up instead! yeah anyways, don't know what's up with me today, i'm actually very cold right now, my fingers are freezing, it always happens to me when i'm at the computer, does anyone else get that?

anywho, i'm going to tootle off now, as you may have guessed not much interesting is going on here at the moment! love you all x x x