... no not just a good Travis song, but also a very true saying.
Since my last post (for which I am very grateful for the encouraging comments I received though I hope people know I wasn't scrounging for compliments...) I have been thinking about some of the things I said. I commented that most of the time I wish I was someone else. And it's one of those things where you could all tell me you love me the way I am until you're blue in the face, but I will always have a hard time believing it.
But anyway, I got to thinking (and thanks Nicola for our conversation earlier!) and I'm sure that this is no revelation or rocket science, but I reckon that no matter who I was I would want to be someone else. You know, I don't think that 'me' is the problem. I think the problem is much deeper than that and is much more of an insecurity in who I am, no matter who I am. If you see what I mean.
I don't know about other people, but I get the feeling with myself, that it really wouldn't matter who I was, I don't think I'll ever be happy with myself. I really truely do not want sympathy from this, and I know that there are lots of people who love me. I know there are lots of people who would say they want to be more like me and that's great, I like to hear things like that, of course I do, everyone does! All I'm saying is that I don't know if I'll ever be able to believe it in my heart.
I guess this is all abit open and honest and raw. For all that I talk alot and tell people alot, I don't think this is something I've often said. I don't totally know why I'm writing it all here, maybe by seeing it all written down I can learn to get over it... or maybe someone else will take comfort from knowing they aren't the only one to dislike themselves. I know that everyone has parts of themselves that they wish they could change, and in all honesty I have no idea what the solution would be to this. Maybe that's another one of my problems though, I'm always looking for solutions, and just maybe Kat, somethings can't be fixed.
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2 comments:
interesting musings kat. It blows my mind all the things that go into a making a person who they are, I don't even know all the things that make me or why or how, I don't even know if I know who I am sometimes it's interesting to think about and a comfort to be known by God. He knows every hair on my head and I can't even count the ones that come out in my hairbrush.
For my 2cents. I think it's ok to not be totally happy with ones self because we are not perfect. We have sinned, we are largely affected by sin around us which has influenced who we become and our bodies aren't perfect, they are temporary and decaying. In the same way we hunger for a world of peace without sin and have a longing for heaven we hunger for a better us I think. I think that hunger is good.
I think though it depends what we do with it.
maybe I have totally missed the point and gone off being spiritual where that was not what it was about but to sum up.
Most feelings are natural but it's what we do with them that makes them good or bad I think. Does our desire to be different draw us closer to jesus or is it just of the world and pulls us away.
Something I am learning is that when I am caught up in the world I look at others and my self and compare my self and can become prideful or discouraged, wanting something I don't have.
More and more as I train my eyes to look to Him, by looking at who Jesus is more and knowing him more I see my own faults and short commings and sin more and more all the time but that's positive because it brings about a humility and awe that makes me more like Him.
I don't know if these 2am thought make sense but here they are.
And for what it's worth, even though you weren't asking, I love you and think you are wonderful, thanks for being my friend!
Surely a person's wish to be a better person is a good thing... their striving to be more like someone else, because they admire their faith, or their morality, or their involvement in a cause etc, they are taking the first steps to becoming more like that, being a better person, and giving more to the world through that.
Above anything we must try to live by the faith and the beliefs we have, to be the best person we can be, and to stay true to what we see as right and wrong. So, if you were trully content with who you were, you would'nt be seeing the bigger picture... there is always something more we can do. Its just that some (many?) don't bother to do anything about it...
Erm. Now I know that didnt make any sense, and all I really wanted to say was good blog! Sorry for the incomprehensible ramble! xxx
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