Kat and Helen's Adventure.

Once upon a time in a beautiful but frightfully cold city called Durham, there were two girls called Kat and Helen. They lived in a lovely house with three other lovely people, but because it was he beginning of the holidays, all the other girls had already gone home to their mummies and daddies. Now today was a special day for Helen because it was the day that she was going to go home to her mummy and daddy. So when she got up in the morning she started to pack all her clothes and books and toys into a bag to take on the train. She was very excited about going on the train again. As the things went into her bag, one after another, Helen realised that she wasn't going to fit everything in this one bag. So she had to get another one. And then another one after that! Helen had a lot of things to take home!!!

The two girls checked that Helen had everything she needed for going home and then they had lunch. After lunch they got ready to take all Helen's things to the train station. It looked quite complicated and they tried a few times to pick everything up before they were both happy with what they were holding. But Helen hadn't realised that her suitcase was so heavy and so she had to ask Kat to help her to pull it up the big steep hill. When they got to the top of the hill they both had very red faces and were struggling to breathe! But it was alright because the way was downhill from then on. Well, almost all the way from then...

Even going downhill wasn't all easy. Kat decided to carry the big bag on her hips because she said that girls are made to carry things on their hips, not on the end of their arms, otherwise they would grow babies on their fingers! Helen thought this was very funny, but later, when she carried the bag on her hip she realised that Kat had been right. It was much easier! Helen's suicase kept getting caught up with lots of leaves and it kept falling over the paving stones that weren't straight. It was very frustrating! But they made it to the bottom of the hill with plenty of time to spare.

Kat carried the big suitcase all the way to the top of the steps in one go and by the time they arrived at the station platform they were both tired out! They had a rest before getting ready for the train to arrive. When it did, Kat helped Helen to put her things on the train before standing well back to wave Helen goodbye. Once the train had pulled out of the platform, Kat walked all the way back up the hill for her tea.

What an adventure!

One down... Three to go...

I managed to make myself write yesterday, and then, miraculously, I kept on writing, and writing, and writing until I finished the essay that I had started. A very good day's work. Onto the next one today!

Everyone is going home soon, it feels very strange that this is it, term 1 of year 2 is (almost) officially over. "Time flys when you're having fun". I always used to wish it was the other way round because I hated how slow time went when I was bored, tired, scared or unhappy. I have always had a habit of taking 'mind photos'. When I'm doing something that I never want to end, I look really hard at it and try to take in every detail as if it were a photograph so I will never forget it.
It kind of half works, but memories always fade, that's in the very essence of a memory. Details always become blurred, sounds become muffled and smells almost alwasy disappear completely until you smell it again and then it's like whooshing through time back to the first time you remember that smell.
I know that I will leave here eventually with some of the happiest memories of my life. But it saddens me that memories are all I will be left with.

Oh dear, this wasn't supposed to be a sad blog. I am very excited about going home for Christmas, and my mum is coming up to Durham next week to take me shopping before we go home. So I'm actually really happy... my hands just took over and typed all that about memories! And I have just thought, a wonderful thing about memories is being able to share them with the people who remember the events also.
Anyway, the rain is LASHING at my window and the wind is literally howling... I am beginning to seriously consider just how important my 11am lecture is going to be...

You can do it....

...come on Kat. You can do it. All you have to do is close down facebook, resist signing onto MSN, open up Word and then close your eyes and type.
Oh no wait, don't close your eyes!
Grrr. Stupid essays.
Come on Kat. Write something!!!!

Meaning.

I know this has been covered so many times by so many people, but I want to write it anyway because for me at least it's something I try to think about and get right.
So, I wanted to write about Christmas. I mean why not? It's not that far away! Christmas means so many different things to each individual, and I think it would be good for everyone and anyone to look at the following list of questions about what Christmas is/should be...

What is 'Christmas' for you?

• A welcome break from a term of studies/a full time job/'normal' life?
• A couple of days of unbareable family traditions?
• A holiday that's too short, but wonderfully full of family and fun?
• A real test at your peacemaking skills when various bitter family members refuse to get on?
• The best food of the year?
• A chance to buy people you love something really nice and get excited about the new things you'll get?
• Too stressful in every way imaginable?
• The only time of the year you feel like you should go to church?
  
• Your favourite time of the year?
• Or something more...?
  

Ok then, so what about Jesus? Even the word Christmas has 'Christ' in it... who is Jesus?

• The grubby looking doll in the nativity in the shopping centre?
• A nice man who told us nice things to do in our life?
• A man who was able to do miracles?
• A good example?
• A nutter?
• Someone who allowed himself to be killed, which admittedly is admirable, but doesn't really achieve anything?
• Or something more...?

I love Christmas. I really do and I think it's my favourite time of the year. I love mince pies. I love Christmas lights. I love mulled wine. I love being with my family. I love the build up of advent calenders. I love singing carols. I love giving presents. I love getting up early on Christmas morning. I love sitting in piles of wrapping paper that you've just ripped off all the presents. I love decorating Christmas trees. I love the cold weather. I love Christmas.

But a few years ago, when I spent Christmas in Peru where they don't have anything like the number of traditions we have in England, I complained and felt totally 'un-Christmassy' because there were none of the things I've listed above. It wasn't a proper Christmas as far as I was concerned.

Until someone reminded me what Christmas is about. It is not about any of my favourite things. Sure those things make it fun, and make it special. But Christmas is all about Jesus. Regardless of who you think Jesus is, Christmas would not exist without him! And so I encourage you, whatever your beliefs or whatever you think about Christianity, or church, or Jesus. Think about what Christmas really is. Christmas is an amazing time of year because it's a celebration of God's amazing sacrifice. He sent Jesus into this world, this messed up, horrible world, so that he could die in our place and set us free from every wrong thing we've ever done. And in my mind, that's a million times more amazing than any amount of mince pies.

Burnt Out

I have given up.
Every three or four minutes I get distracted by something: my screen saver, tidying up, Palatinate, Facebook, staring out of the window just to make sure it looks exactly the same as it did three minutes ago...
I cannot concentrate.
In fact I don't want to concentrate.
Stupid work.

People frequently comment that because our terms are so short, we must be living 'doss' lives. We don't do any work, we just party all day and all night. It's easy to get a degree.
Rubbish.
I'm tired and my brain hurts from reading too much this term.
Stupid second year where everything counts. Be an eternal Fresher, that's what I say!

Roll on Christmas, I'm burnt out.

What do we want....??

RENT FREEZE
When do we want it?
NOW!!!

I figured loads of people would be writing about the protest this morning so I was going to be a little cautious about just spouting out the same stuff as everyone else.... but I just looked and I'm first so I can say what I like. Which, in reality, I probably would have done anyway.

So. Protest. This morning. Got up at 6.30am!!! And shouted about rent freeze and 33 week lets and poor students for two hours outside the Old Shire Hall. Why? You may well ask. I certainly was when the first word out of my mouth at 6.35am after 4 hours of sleep when I realised I'd overslept was certainly not 'yippee'. Well, to cut a long story short(-ish), Durham University is trying to push our residence charges up 10% when they've already gone up 51% in the last five years and are the highest charges in England. This on top of the fact that loans have only gone up 15%... something just don't add up there.

The protest was organised by the fantastic Mildert president (and no I'm not being disloyal to my college, this is the truth, the Mary's president did nothing but walk away) and I reckon there must have been a couple of hundred people... from Mildert mostly, only one other college president in this whole university bothered to email their college telling them of the situation. Which is absolutely and rediculously out of order, but that's not what I wanted to write about.

It got me thinking this morning, and in my lecture this afternoon when we were talking about revolutionist movements that started in universities in South America, about what it is that drives people to make a stand on something. Why did people travel all the way to London to protest on the situation in Iraq? Why do so many people protest about environmentally friendly power station? Or renewable energy? Or worldwide AIDS treatment? Or Fairtrade products? Or the freeing of prisoners?

Or maybe my question should be, why don't people?

I so very nearly didn't go this morning. I thought it was a stupid idea to get up so damn early for something I didn't think I could ever have an effect on. And I didn't really think that I cared. How shameful is that?! How dare I have such a view when perhaps one of the reasons I'm even in university, allowed to vote and given the opportunities I am is because so many people before me stood in protests for hours, shouted till their voices were sore and risked being arrested for what they believed was right. How dare I turn around and say 'nah, I'd rather stay in bed.' ?!

I think we live in an age where people don't care. And I know that's a very blanket statement. And not entirely true: alot of people do care. Alot of people do fight. And alot of what goes on doesn't affect everyone in the same way. But I really think our society needs a kick up the bum. Things do affect us, maybe not today, but tomorrow, next year, when we're 50, when our children are 20, when their children are 20... We are not individuals, we are a community, what we do, (or don't do) does affect other people.

I had my eyes opened today I think. I need to care more. And fight more. Because I am one of the lucky few in the world who actually can.

I'm Back!!!!!

Hey hey hey. Did you all miss me? Yeah I'm sure you did! I have had a wonderful weekend in Center Parcs with my entire extended family and it was just lovely. So fun and relaxing and exactly the same as it is every year. That's one of the best parts about it! But, now I'm in the real world. And I have a question for you, and I really would like answers please! In fact I have two things requiring answers, but one is only silly. This is serious... Someone said to me recently that escapism will only take you so far... and my question is this, is that true? Because obviously I know that when escapism becomes the reality rather than reality itself then there is a problem. But escapism, the silent and individual joy of slipping into another world, or pretending that things are not the way they are in whatever shape or form, I don't think that ever can go too far. Imagining things into reality is a way of life for me. I constantly dream myself into or out of different situations and of course I understand the concerns with leaving reality behind, maybe that's what this person meant. But I really can't see that escapism is bad. If it makes you feel good, how can it be? (Within sensible reason obviously!) It's just an active imagination being put to use!

Anyway, my second purpose of this blog, I have something of a quiz... all the following songs (one line of which is written) have something in common... ten points to the person who gets it first:
"If I lay here, if I just lay here, would you lie with me and just forget the world"
"I'm Luke, I'm five and my Dad's Bruce Lee"
"Now most people think of heaven, and they see those pearly gates"

That's it, I'll give you an easy one if no-one can get it!
Enjoy. xxx

Flustered.

Well, seems that some of you found out some things about me from my last post that you didn't know before! But anyways, I'm sure there'll always be things that not everyone knows, it's better that way.

So. I don't have very much exciting news today. I am going to Center Parcs tomorrow, something that I just cannot convey the excitement for. I can hardly contain myself I am so excited. I keep squealing and jumping up and down. This is my favourite weekend of the entire year... and this year Tim is coming too. I can't think of anything better.

But that wasn't what I wanted to say really. I wanted to comment on something of my personality that I find quite rediculous and funny. I guess that to begin with it's a funny thing to find yourself funny but never mind, we shan't dwell on that. The thing is that I sometimes get very flustered and everything seems wrong or 'vexing'. Twice in the past few days I've suddenly gotten myself all flustered and worked up. Today I got back from my lectures having been out all day and I was windswept and cold, ad my hair was a mess and my trousers were wet and muddy round the bottom and I was cross because I don't ever like those trousers and now I know why. And then I couldn't get my jumper off because it was too tight and I was too hot and in the end I just crumpled on the floor on the landing and declared I was staying there all evening. Which I would have done but Heather stood on me!!! :(

The reason I'm saying this is purely because I think it's funny. I get all worked up and then nothing is right and I can't make it right and I get cross and then I stamp my feet and I moan and complain... and none of it is real I think it's just my way of, well I don't know what of really! It's just an oddity of me!

I'll let you all know how my weekend goes! Be safe, be happy and don't get flustered!

FORTY FIVE MINUTES LATER!!!!

Full Name:: Katherine Joy Yarborough
Birthday:: 19th September
Birthplace:: Macclesfield
Eye Color:: Blue/green/grey
Hair Color:: Dark blondish/brown
Height:: 5'7''
Weight:: 9stone
Right handed or Left handed?: left
Your Heritage:: British
My Worst Habit:: picking my fingernails.
Zodiac Sign:: Virgo
Shoe Size:: 6
Pants Size:: 8
Innie or Outie?: Innie
Parents Still Together?: Yes
The Shoes You Wore Today:: Black boots
Your Weakness:: Chocolate, pianists
Your Fears:: being attacked
Your Perfect Pizza:: chicken and sweetcorn
Goal You Would Like To Achieve This Year:: shave all my hair off!
Your Most Overused Phrase On An Instant Messenger: lol
Thoughts First Waking Up:: I'm not capable of thinking in the morning
Your Best Physical Feature:: my bottom!
Your Bedtime:: When I'm tired.
Your Most Missed Memory:: New Zealand
MY FAVORITES
Favorite color?: red or orange
Food?: fried breakfast
Sport?: I don't do sport. Ever.
Animal?: Lion
Ice Cream?: Ben and Jerry's Phish Food
Candy?: fizzy cola bottles
Store?: erm... Monsoon, though I've never bought anything there!
Salad Dressing?: My Grandma's rasperry vinegar thing
Actor?: Johnny Depp, Colin Firth, Nicole Kidman
Song?: So many... You Belong to Me from Shrek
Letter?: K
Number?: Anything even
Gum?: I hate gum
Holiday?: Yearly Center Parcs trip
Season?: Autumn
Toothpaste Flavor?: Mint. Anything else is wrong!
Radio Station?: Radio 1
Perfume?: I don't like perfume.
Scent besides perfume?: freshly cut grass, baked bread
Body part on the opposite sex?: Back
FRIENDS AND LIFE
What Do You Want To Be When You Grow Up?: I don't want to grow up.
How Do You Want To Die?: Dramatically.
Which One Of Your Friends Acts The Most Like You?: I don't think any of them do.
Who's The Loudest?: Helen
Who Makes You Laugh The Most?: Everyone!
Who Have You Known The Longest?: I think Sarah
When Have You Cried The Most?: I don't know I cry that often!
What Is The Best Feeling In The World?: forgetting everything around you and just being totally happy, performing in a concert/play/anything
Worst Feeling?: letting yourself down, disappointment
Where Do You Want To Live When You Grow Up?: in the countryside.
If You Could Change One Thing About You What Would It Be?: more self confidence
How Long Do You Think You'll Live?: Not a clue!
FINISH EACH SENTENCE
Let's walk on the: top of the wall
Let's look at the: sea
What a nice: cup of tea
Where did all the: flowers go?
Why can't we: fly?
Silly, little: boys.
Isn't it weird that: we can only ever see the world through our eyes. You can't borrow someone elses.
Never under any circumstance: judge me.
I wish: upon a star.
Everyone has a: heart.
I am: rediculous.
HAVE YOU EVER
Been In Love?: yes.
Mooned Someone?: um....
Been Rejected?: yes.
Ran Away From Home?: no
Skipped School?: yes
Thought About Suicide?: no
Slept Outside?: yes, I love it!
Laughed So Hard You Cried?: yes
Cried In School?: yes
Thrown Up In School?: no
Wanted To Be a Model?: not really.
Cheated On Someone?: no, never.
Done Something Really Stupid That You Still Laugh At Today?: oh plenty!
Seen A Dead Body?: no
Drank Alcohol?: yes
Smoked?: yes
Been On Drugs?: no
Eaten Sushi?: no, but have eaten raw fish
Been On Stage?: yes I loved it!
Gone Skinny Dipping?: oh yes! Would love to do it again!
Shoplifted?: Don't think so!
Been Drunk?: Yes, but not very often
Been Called A Tease?: No
Been Beaten Up?: No
DO YOU
Swear?: generally no
Sing Well?: I don't know about well, but I sing.
Shower Daily?: yes
Want To Go To College?: Already have done
Want To Get Married?: YES!!!!!
Believe In Yourself?: Occasionally
Get Motion Sickness?: Nope
Think You Are Attractive?: Sometimes I look quite pretty.
Get Along With Your Parents?: Always
Like Thunderstorms?: Oh yeah! Awesome!
Play An Instrument?: Flute, saxaphone and singing. Wish to the end of the earth I played the trumpet.
Own An IPOD?: Nope, a Zen
Pray?: All the time
Go To Church?: Yes
Sleep With Stuffed Animals?: Yes!
Keep A Journal/Diary?: Yes
Dance In The Rain?: I love dancing in the rain!
Sing In The Shower?: Yep
THIS OR THAT
Pepsi or Coke?: Coke
McDonald's or Burger King?: Neither
Single or Group Dates?: Single
Chocolate or Vanilla?: Chocolate
Strawberries or Blueberries?: Both
Meat or Veggies?: MEAT! I am such a carnivore!
TV or Movie?: Movie
Guitar or Drums?: Guitar
Adidas or Nike?: Neither
Chinese or Mexican?: Chinese, but only if I'm in the right mood
Cheerios or Corn Flakes?: Cheerios!
Cake or Pie?: BOTH!
MTV or VH1?: MTV
Blind or Deaf?: Errr... what which I'd prefer to be? I think deaf.
Boxers or Briefs?: boxers
CAN YOU
Do The Splits?: No.
Write With Both Hands?: No, lefty all the way!
Whistle?: Yes
Blow A Bubble?: yes
Roll Your Tongue In A Circle?: yes
Cross Your Eyes?: No
Walk With Your Toes Curled?: Yep have just tried!
Touch Your Tongue to Your Nose?: No
Dance?: Yes
Eat Whatever You Want And Not Worry?: Yes
WHO WAS THE LAST PERSON
You Touched:: errr.. I don't know, probably one of my housemates or someone I brushed past in the street!
You Talked To On The Phone:: Sarah Trickey
You Hugged:: Nicola
You Yelled At:: I haven't yelled for a long time
You Played A Sport With:: That must actually be years ago!
WHAT'S THE LAST
Time You Laughed?: Last night watching a video on Nicola's camera...
Time You Cried?: Sunday night
Movie You Watched?: Lord of the Rings The Return of the King
Flavor Of Gum You Chewed?: No idea was so long ago.
Joke You Told?: Guess who I bumped into in Specsavers yesterday? ... everyone!
Song You've Sung?: Am singing along to Shape of My Heart by Sting right now.
RIGHT AT THIS MOMENT
Where Are You?: Sitting at my desk
What Can You See Out Your Window?: Trees
Are You Listening To Music?: Yes
What Are You Wearing?: cord skirt, tights, green Durham hoodie
What's On Your Mousepad?: Laptop
BELIEFS
Do you believe there is life on other planets?: I don't think so, but I don't really know
Do you believe in miracles?: yes
Magic?: yes
Love at first sight?: no, attraction
God?: Yes
Satan?: Yes
Ghosts?: No
Santa?: errr....
Evolution?: yes
IN A BOY...
Fav Eye Color:: Brown
Fav Hair Color:: Dark
Short or Long Hair:: either, and long as its good
Height:: taller than me.
Weight:: Don't mind.
RANDOM
What Country Would You Most Like To Visit?: Alaska
Number Of CD's I Own:: Loads
Do you have tattoos/piercings:: Yes.. one tattoo and 3 piercings
Your Good Luck Charm:: don't have one
How many pillows do you sleep with?: 1
Do you drink milk?: No, but I do have it on cereal
Person You Hate Most:: I don't hate anyone.
Most Outdated Phrase:: cool
Do you think God has a gender?: No
Where do you think we go when we die?: depends on our beliefs.
How many rings until you answer the phone?: As long as it takes till I get there
What is something scientists need to invent?: Something to make guys experience everything a girl does when she's on her period. They just do not get it.
Are you a health freak?: No!!!
Are you a virgin?: Yes
If you could travel into space, where would you go?: Space!
What is the worst weather?: Drizzly rain that's neither here nor there.
Did you play with Barbies as a child?: No, I had Cindy and Sylvanian Families!
How many grades have you failed?: None

Appologies if this is boring. I like doing them, and it's a great way to waste 45 mins when you don't want to work!

Learn to Love.

Every single human being needs love. And I'm not talking about some flimsy, fantasy thing from an over played pop song... "all you need is love". I'm talking about real love. Love that sustains, love that encourages, love that provides, love that respects, love that builds up, love that forgives. All you need to do to find out what happens to someone when they have no love in their life is look at the terribly tragic stories of neglected children, beaten wives, abused boys, poverty-stricken families with no-where to go. We cannot survive without love, and yet love is something that has become so 'dumbed down' and 'over-rated' in our society today. So many people place more importance on possessions than relationships. On good sex than mutual respect. On fancy holidays than emotional support. I could go on.

How many times do we see real, true, open, raw examples of love? Sure we occasionally read a nice story in the news about someone rescuing their loved one from the side of a glacier in Iceland (I really hope they have glaciers in Iceland or Tim will point and laugh at me...) But my point is, when was the last time you saw someone sacrifice themselves for the sake of someone else? When was the last time you saw someone get hurt to save someone else? When was the last time you saw a true demonstration of love? In fact, come to think of it when was the last time you demonstrated just how much you love someone? I can say that I love Tim every 20 seconds, but unless I show it, it means nothing.

Our world has become so loveless in so many ways. Love is not insipid. It is not a romantic song, or a flower, or an expensive necklace. Love is real. Love is hard work. Love is patient. Love is kind. Love doesn't get angry. Love doesn't get jealous. Love doesn't boast. Love always protects. Love always trusts. Love always hopes. Love always perseveres. When was the last time you experienced love like that? Or showed someone you loved them like that?

In the end of it there are only three things: Faith. Hope. Love. And the greatest one of these, is love.
(From the Bible: 1 Corinthians 13.)

"The greatest thing you'll ever learn, is just to love. And be loved in return."

Something to think about...

You mustn't look at God in the light of your circumstances, but you should look at your curcumstances in the light of who God is.

Before I'm 30...

I'm going to write my list of the things I want to be before I'm 30 just to lighten the mood, I feel things have got too serious for me. It frightens me!
Oh and btw I realised that 'before I'm 30' equals only 9 years!!!

I want to...
- make a Bishop's hat talk, it looks like a beak!
- shave all my hair off, to raise money for charity
- squish a banana on my glasses
- do a parachute jump
- break a bone in my body (other than my toe which doesn't count!)
- get more qualified than Tim! (which basically means I'll have to do a PhD!)
- go to Alaska

I think that's pretty much it for now. It's not massively exciting, just some things I want to do! Swimming with dolphins would be on but I've done that, as with getting a tattoo, did that too!!! (for a picture, go to www.myspace.com/steelpaintbrush and go to the pics section, mine's the word 'joy' on the sole of my foot) Oh and skinny dipping was on it, but I did that in Peru!

So I'll keep you posted as to whether I do them!

the grass is always greener...

... no not just a good Travis song, but also a very true saying.

Since my last post (for which I am very grateful for the encouraging comments I received though I hope people know I wasn't scrounging for compliments...) I have been thinking about some of the things I said. I commented that most of the time I wish I was someone else. And it's one of those things where you could all tell me you love me the way I am until you're blue in the face, but I will always have a hard time believing it.

But anyway, I got to thinking (and thanks Nicola for our conversation earlier!) and I'm sure that this is no revelation or rocket science, but I reckon that no matter who I was I would want to be someone else. You know, I don't think that 'me' is the problem. I think the problem is much deeper than that and is much more of an insecurity in who I am, no matter who I am. If you see what I mean.

I don't know about other people, but I get the feeling with myself, that it really wouldn't matter who I was, I don't think I'll ever be happy with myself. I really truely do not want sympathy from this, and I know that there are lots of people who love me. I know there are lots of people who would say they want to be more like me and that's great, I like to hear things like that, of course I do, everyone does! All I'm saying is that I don't know if I'll ever be able to believe it in my heart.

I guess this is all abit open and honest and raw. For all that I talk alot and tell people alot, I don't think this is something I've often said. I don't totally know why I'm writing it all here, maybe by seeing it all written down I can learn to get over it... or maybe someone else will take comfort from knowing they aren't the only one to dislike themselves. I know that everyone has parts of themselves that they wish they could change, and in all honesty I have no idea what the solution would be to this. Maybe that's another one of my problems though, I'm always looking for solutions, and just maybe Kat, somethings can't be fixed.

??????

Do you ever wonder why you are the person you are? Not just who you are... but why. What factors have made you into the person you are today. What did you parents do/believe that gave you the beliefs you have today? What kind of background do you have? Do you agree with it or did you rebel against it? Why did you have the kind of friends you had? Why do you have the kind of friends you have now? Was it all by accident? Or did you deliberately fashion youself the way you wanted to be? Or the way you didn't want to be?

If you could, would you completely swap your life for someone elses? Who? Why? Or maybe would you change a few things about your life? Or keep it the same? Maybe you wish you were cooler? Or richer? Or more daring? Or less stupid? Or more intelligent? Or less intelligent? Maybe you wish you'd 'been there and done everything'? Maybe you wish you hadn't...?

I don't really know where all these questions have come from and it isn't at all what I intended to write today... but I was just thinking about all the millions of little details, people, beliefs, societies, etc etc etc that have come together to make each one of us the person we are today. In all honesty, most of the time I wish I was someone else. I look at all the different people around me, my friends, people I admire, people who I barely know and wish I was more like them in one way or another.

Usually it helps me to think that the God I believe in is so big and so perfect that he doesn't make mistakes, and so for one reason or another, He made me turn out exactly the way I am today on purpose. I have so many problems and faults and issues and fears and dislikes with myself, but if God is all-powerful, which I am totally convinces He is, then I guess it should comfort me that He loves me just the way I am... Interesting things to think about.

Have a bath...

This blog really is not going to contain anything deep, meaningful or philosophical. I just wanted to say how amazing baths are. I just had one, it was so hot it took me a full five minutes to be able to sit down in it. And then I lay there, drinking hot blackcurrant and listening to classical music, letting every thought in my mind slowly drift away.

Of course, as soon as you get out everything comes back to you and hits you in the face like a cold custard pie. (don't swollow any of it or you will gag.)

But for that half hour you are doing absolutely nothing but enjoying the heat of the water in the bath, for that half hour, everything is perfect.

So I mean it. Go and have a hot bath. It's wonderful.

Sleep

Does anyone think that sleep is over-rated?
I hear a most of you cry 'no' indignantly. Well, to be honest, up until recently I would have agreed with you. I used to love sleeping, I loved being warm in my bed, staring at the ceiling, and I loved that feeling in the morning when you wake up and you're all warm and cosy and you remember that you don't have to get up so you roll over and go back into a blissful dose...

Well, as I've written above, I used to love that. Now, all of a sudden, for the past week or so I haven't been able to sleep. I can't get to sleep and I wake up too early because I'm too hot, or I can't switch my mind off, or I have nightmares, or my bed's too uncomfortable, or I just won't fall asleep. I have no idea why, and even the other day I took a pyraton (not sure how to spell that) to make me drowsy... no to effect.

It's not like I'm getting no sleep at all at the moment, but sleep is not longer fun and no longer something I want to do, which seems pretty sad to me. Especially when I've always been the kind of person who can fall asleep within 30 seconds of my head touching the pillow. I know that some people sufer their whole lives with being unable to sleep and I feel kind of guitly for being such a good sleeper all my life!

But now I'm sad because I can't sleep well anymore.

What pushes your buttons?

In a wonderful and enlightening book called 'Perspectives' (a wonderful thing to have btw!) by a guy called Colin Creel, is a quote from another guy called Howard Hendricks. It goes like this:

What makes you pound the table?

And yes, this is an American book. But this is something I thought I'd include here. Dr Hendricks is helping someone to find out what their calling in life is. What kind of career they should follow, and he asks all kinds of questions to find out what the guys loses sleep over. What it is that makes his blood pressure rise, what stirs his soul. What he's PASSIONATE about.

We're all getting to the stage where we start thinking about what we're going to DO with the rest of our lives. All those years that stretch out for seemingly infinity, just blank and empty and waiting to be filled with something. Anything. Does it terrify anyone else that we're pretty close to the stage where we will start making decisions that not only affect the next few years, but will shape the contours of our entire lives. It sure as hell scares me!

But what Colin Creel is getting at is that we must look to our passions to figure out what to do with our years. What stirs your soul? Do that! What makes tears well up in your eyes when you think about it... Do it! What makes you pound the table? Do that! We will be satisfied when we let our hearts live out our passions.

I have two final questions that I think are worth alot of thought...
1. What is the greatest risk of pursuing your dreams? Is it worth it?
2. What is the greatest risk of NOT pursuing your dreams? Is that worth it?


nb. material for the above largely taken from Coliin Creel 2005 'Perspectives' it is not plagurism!

Perspective

Ok, I know that this is unoriginal, but the dictionary definition of perspective is as follows:

6.the faculty of seeing all the relevant data in a meaningful relationship: "Your data is admirably detailed but it lacks perspective."
7.a mental view or prospect: "the dismal perspective of terminally ill patients."

Perspective is a slippery concept at the best of times. You could always argue that because of our very nature, our subjective, selfish nature, perspective is virtually an impossible thing to achieve.
I think that perspective, and by that I mean a rational, sensible outlook on your life, is one of the most difficult things to achieve but by no means impossible.

Maybe I should explain myself a little more. This week, I lost perspective. I lost all sense of reason and rational about my life. Everything went wrong, and in my head, because I had not a shred of perspective, everything was a thousand times more wrong that it actually was.

Gaining a little perspective on things is not easy. For me, it had to be written down in front of me. I had to be told what to do and when to do it. But suddenly, that act of not only taking what's in your head, out of your head and putting it on paper, but also talking to someone else about what's in your head (ok so maybe not ALL of what's in your head!) brings you back into focus with the world.

I know I'll lose perspective many many more times, it is in my nature to panic. Unfortunately for me. But what is fortunate for me is that there are plenty of people around me to remind me to breathe and to help me struggle back into a sense of reason. If anything makes sense from this blog I want it to be this. Never, ever draw away from the people around you completely, because if you're like me and you can lose perspective with people around you, I am not joking when I say you will actually go mad if you are on your own. Let people into your life, and keep the perspective.

Are you happy?

It may sound like a silly question, but how often do you actually think about it? I find myself going through day after day not actually consciously thinking about if I'm happy or not.

So this evening, while I am sitting here unable to see from laughing so so so hard at Eddie Izzard, this evening I am going to ask you that simple question. Are you happy?

If you aren't happy, why are you not happy?
When are you the most happy?
What makes you happy?
What could you do/what could happen to make youself happy?

I'm not being so naiive as to imagine that all you have to do is think happy thoughts and you'll be able to fly to Neverland, I know that life is sometimes crap and there's nothing you can do about it. But very often, in my own experience, when we at least try to find reasons to be happy, it is possible to make a fair amount of the crapness not seem so bad.

SO. Are you happy?

Uphill?

I know it has been a long long time since I wrote anything, the reasons being 1)lack of Internet and 2)lack of time and 3)lack of inspiration.

But now I am back and I have something to write about! Yay.
Everyone who's ever set foot in Durham know just how hilly this lovely place is. And this year, as we're living all those miles away in Scotland... oops I mean Neville's Cross we're feeling the effect of The Hill more than ever. Just the other day when Nicola and I were walking back from the Loveshack (great place!) at around midnight I think I was thinking about this hill that we have come to know if not yet to love.

Nicola pointed out, as we were willing our legs to move us forward, that when you're going up a steep or long hill, you focus all of your thoughts on getting to the top. Everything within you is willing yourself to get closer and closer to the top where you will finally let out a deep sigh and enjoy the downhill you've come to.

I was wondering if people sometimes see their lives as a big uphill trek. I know we sometimes say life feel like we're pushing a steam roller up a hill, or something to that effect, but I was referring more to that focusing of everything you have on getting to the top. On getting to the end. On reaching your destination. Does everything you do point towards one single goal? Do you long for a certain event/situation to materialise? Is this a good way to live? Well, I suppose it depends what your destination is and whether it's worth slogging uphill for. But one thing I know for certain is that when you are forcing yourself up a long and steep hill, you wouldn't do it for no reason. So it certainly wouldn't be worth slaving your life away for no reason, or for a bad reason.

Just a few thoughts.