Magic.

I have a question today, and I want answers please, so anyone who does read this, please do comment and don't leave me looking like I have no friends!

Who/what is your favourite, or the best fairytale character?

It could be anything, maybe an actual personaje like the Wizard of Oz, or Malificent, or the dragon in Puff the Magic Dragon... etc etc, or just a type of creature, a pheonix, an elf, a unicorn, a magician and so on.

It's a tough one for me, my life is so full of fairytale creatures that it's difficult to decide which one is my favourite. But I think I would go for fairies. Ever since I first watched Peter Pan, (actually I think I first remember seeing the film Hook) and met Tinkerbell and her magic dust I was captivated by fairies. In my world, fairies are everywhere. There are fairies in the bushes outside St Mary's college, there are icicle fairies when it's freezing cold, there are fairies that play in the rockpools at the beach, there are fairies of all the different flowers.

Fairies are such beautiful creatures. So small and fragile and with something delicate, pure and endlessly innocent about them. I know not everyone lives in a fantasy world like I do, but there is something captivating about fairies. They are always there, playing and laughing and enjoying life. They never fight or go to war and the only time they are sad is when they feel rejected. Which isn't very often because fairies live together peacefully and without quarrels.

So there you go. Fairies is my answer. Let me know yours!

Keep the Faith.

Just to warn you, this is a serious post. So if you were hoping for more of the craziness from my slumber world then stop reading now!

After a very long and deep conversation the other day, I got to thinking about an analogy that one of the people used. (Thanks Tim!) The analogy was about having faith. I always think that the word faith is quite a slippery concept. What does it actually mean? I think I was originally trying to think of a word for someone who has alot of faith, and it isn't faithful because that means trustworthy or loyal. The Bible says that faith means believing in something that you can't see, but I really don't think that quite sums up everything about faith. I mean it can be interpretted wrongly. As Tim said, I could believe with all my being that there was a chair in front of me, but unless it actually existed I would fall on my ass if I tried to sit on it!

When I was a little girl, we used to go most weekends to a place near where I live where there are a load of large limestone rock formations. It's a fantastic place for little kids, or even big kids for that matter because you can climb up big rocks, there are caves and secret pathways, some og the rocks wobble when you push on them in the right place and it's altogether loads of fun. One of my favourite things to do as a child was to jump off the top of the rocks into the arms of my Dad. It was so much fun. The faith element comes in there because I knew my Daddy would catch me. I had so much faith in this even up to the point where I would jump even if he wasn't waiting. So he had to develop eyes all over his head to be ready for when I would leap. But he always caught me. He was worth putting my faith in.

Unfortunately, in terms of God, faith is something that I now find really quite hard. The curses of age caught up with me and now I find myself constantly saying 'will it be ok?' 'will he catch me?'. I know in my head that God will always come through, I don't need any more proof than what he's already done for me, or the promises of the Bible that come true. Never once does God go back on something he says in the Bible and in my head, that's enough. I hate to admit it, but in my heart I'm still that little bit too much afraid all too often. I get too scared to put all my trust in God just in case.

But that just in case always winds me up in a much worse place than where I began. Trust me I know what happens to me when I try to do things on my own. It's horrifying how easily I can end up in a bigger mess than I know how to handle. I guess what I'm saying is that when Jesus tells us in the Bible to be more like children, this is what he means. It's the hardest thing in the world for an adult to jump off something and know that they will be caught by someone below. The child in me used to just leap from rocks and somehow know. That is faith. Believing that you will be caught, saved, protected and loved by a God who does exist. It is not just a blind 'oh I hope there's something out there.' It's real. Keep the faith.

It's a Long Way to Tipperary.

Well, as I couldn't think of anything to write, I just went for a wee to see if I got any inspiration. But sadly, no luck. I just don't think our bathroom is a particularly inspiring kind of place.

So. I did realise that I may be a little too into this whole blogging thing, because the other day I caught myself thinking about things I could write about. Listening out for interesting phrases/looking out for sometehing unsual, funny or strange to write about... etc. It makes me feel like a little bit of a loser. It's like when they do those facebook things... 'you know you spend too long on facebook when da da da'

Anyway. I am very very tired now. I've had 4 hours of sleep, my back is still hurting (damn those kids) and I am on my way to two lectures I don't want to go to. Grrr. Still. Oh happy day and all that.

Tootles.

The Operation

The other day I needed a simple routine surgery to remove a piece of excess bone on the side of my nose that's been affecting my sinuses. It wasn't a difficult operation, but the only thing was, it had to be performed underwater, salt water. So I went off to the Pacific Ocean; a small floating bamboo island among lots of other islands where the surgeon (who looked strangely like my driving instructer) prepared me for the surgery. The thing is that I was really scared, so he suggested that we have a break and go for a fly around the other islands. When we got into the air we kept rising higher and higher and I was terrified that we'd get burnt by the sun, so I told him and he said we could just got back down again, which we did... at an incredible speed! I was sure we'd hit the water and I had to pull up really hard to stop from plummeting downwards. (We were of course just flying, no airplanes or any of that rubbish!)

Anyway, as we floated around I saw New Zealand below me and it surprised me slightly that I could actually see people walking around, they were big enough to see even though New Zealand itself was miles and miles away. Then we came to land on a small island near the bamboo island where his operating theatre was. This island was a nursery and my youngest brother was there looking after the little kids... aged about 10 years old. (He's 16 now) It was definately him with his short hair and jug handle ears!

We went back to the island so the surgeon could do my operation. He rubbed anisthetic on my nose and gave me a book to read becasue it was making me sleepy but for the operation to be successful I had to be awake. The book was entitled 'Geniuses' and I started to read a chapter about Eleanor Roosevelt while I was hanging onto a bamboo pole under the water ready for the surgeon to do the surgery.

...and then I woke up so I didn't get to find out if it worked or not.

Possibly the strangest dream I have ever had. Though come to think of it I say that after each crazy dream I remember!
Anyways, I'll be back in Durham life in another few hours, all my things are ready here in my room to be put in the car. Ready for another term. See you guys soon!

Be

I found a wonderful video on YouTube yesterday (as well as the fire engine one!) with the song Chasing Cars over a selection of clips from the classic Disney films. It is really well done and if I can find it again, I'll put it on here.

One thing that struck me while I was watching was about just how many of the Disney films deal with issues of identity. Think about it, so many of the characters try to change themselves to be someone they think they should be. Perhaps for family acknowledgement, or to get someone to fall in love with them. Whatever the reason, many of the characters struggle with their true identity.

Mulan realised she could no longer be the 'perfect' woman her society told her she should be. Aladdin tried to prove himself to a princess by becoming a prince. The Beast couldn't accept that anyone would love him the way he was. When Fiona rises up at the end of Shrek 1 to 'take true love's form' we all expected her to become beautiful permanently. Was anyone else surprised when she didn't? I was. Because we don't expect people to be loved for who they are.

A closer look reveals that actually this is the case is most of the Disney films. At the end Mulan is who she is. She pretends no longer and in doing so is accepted by her family and finds love. Aladdin is loved by Jasmin at the end for who he is, not for his fancy made-up title. Belle has already fallen in love with the Beast before he changes back to human form. In Shrek 2 the tables are turned and it is Fiona who shows that she loves Shrek for who he is, the ogre she fell in love with.

I wonder how often I allow myself to be who I am. Sometimes I think I don't even know who I am. When I was younger I used to think of myself as two totally different people. One called Katherine and one called Kat. Generally I liked Kat better but she was the one who tried too hard to fit in, to be like everyone else. Katherine wasn't as well liked but she was the real me. I think now it's changed, I am only one person. Katherine and Kat and I like that I still have the two names. But too often I get confused. I forget who the real me is and I try too hard to pretend to be someone I'm not even though everyone around me knows what I'm doing. Like Aladdin who tried too hard to be a prince even though Jasmin loved him for who he was right from the beginning.

Even when I forget who I am, there is someone who knows me better than anyone else. If I ever lose sight of my true identity, all I need to do is ask the God who made me. The God who says these things:
You may not know me, but I know everything about you…Psalm 139:1 I know when you sit down and when you rise up …Psalm 139:2 I am familiar with all your ways …Psalm 139:3 Even the very hairs on your head are numbered…Matthew 10:29-31 For you were made in my image …Genesis 1:27 In me you live and move and have your being…Acts 17:28 For you are my offspring…Acts 17:28 I knew you even before you were conceived …Jeremiah 1:4-5 I chose you when I planned creation …Ephesians 1:11-12 You were not a mistake, for all your days are written in my book…Psalm 139:15-16

Be who you are. Who you really and truely are. You cannot be anything else.

Fire Fire!

Life of Luxury

My Christmas present from my Grandma (Anna) was a session at the world renowned Harrogate Spa Corporation Turkish Baths. I'd never been before and was so excited! A really good present I thought.

So last night off we went, Anna and I to the beautiful old Royal Baths building for our evening of luxury. It was wonderful. It made it even better that I went straight from work which had been our busiest evening in weeks I think. We had 25 in the under 8's room and we normally get about 12! And I'd been playing chess with a kid who did not have the faintest foggiest idea of how to play. So yeah I was pretty much playing with myself!

I don't know how many people have ever experienced a Turkish Bath, but I am definately going again. It was so relaxing. Like I said, the building is stunning, it's all been done in the original decoration, beautifully tiled, with carved wooden screens, and big red velvet curtains. Even the floor was intricately tiled. We started off in the least hot of the three hot rooms and it was lovely. Then you just take your time moving around the different areas. The hot rooms, then the steam room (which I'm not a massive fan of, I don't like breathing in hot steam, but it feels good on your skin) and then into the cold plunge pool. The best and the worst bit! It's so hard to get in but once you do it feels wonderful. And of course because you're naked, feeling the cold water all over your skin is an exquisite feeling.

I know I'm possibly one of the least prudish people I know, but it didn't at all feel strange being naked around lots of other naked people, it just felt normal. It was all female of course! And it was really nice to just feel all the water and the heat straight onto your skin. After about two hours of going from hot to cold, we had a hot shower and the showers are those big oldfashioned ones with brass taps and a big flat shower head. Then we got dried and sat in the 'quiet room' for ages just relaxed, warm and half falling asleep. It was so beautiful. I'm running out of adjectives!

I am so determined to go back sometime, it was wonderful and such a great way to relax. I could certianly get used to the life of luxury! It's a shame I can't really but I can have treats now and again!

TOP 10 REASONS WHY UNIVERSITY IS LIKE PRIMARY SCHOOL

10. You cry for your mother
9. You cross the street without looking for cars
8. Snack time is a necessity
7. You bundle up for the outdoors without caring what you look like (because everyone around you looks just as stupid)
6. You stay at home and play games with your friends
5. You wear your backpack on both shoulders
4. You wear big mittens
3. Playing in the snow is a legitimate activity
2. You take naps
1. You looks forward to cheese toasties

I found this on a facebook group and think it's funny cos it's true!

Welcome Back.

Our beautiful grandmother clock that stands at the top of our stairs has finally been mended and is now back it her usual place, chiming away quite happily. I had missed that sound alot, and I had had to stick a sad face on the clockface because it was so annoying everytime I came up or down the stairs to look at the time and have it permanently at 11.40!

I absolutely love to hear our clock chime, it's one of the sounds of my childhood and now she's back, it always makes me smile. I've bagsed it for when mum and dad have died. Though I don't think Edd and Rich have agreed yet...

So our house is complete again.
Welcome back to our lovely clock.

Translation...

A Desperate Song.

I can write the most sad verses tonight.
Thinking that I don't have her. Feeling that I've lost her.

Listening to the immense night. More immense without her.
And the verse falls on the soul like dew on the grass.

It matters so much that my love couldn't hold her.
The night is starry and she is not with me.

This is everything. Far away someone sings. Far away.
My soul cannot content itself with having lost her.

Selected lines from Pablo Neruda

Una Cancion Desesperada

Puedo escribir los versos mas tristes esta noche.
Pensar que no la tengo. Sentir que le he perdido.

Oir la noche inmensa, mas inmensa sin ella.
Y el verso cae al alma como al pasto el rocio.

Que importa que mi amor no pudiera guardarla.
La noche esta estrellada y ella no esta conmigo.

Eso es todo. A lo lejos alguien canta. A lo lejos.
Mi alma no se contenta con haberla perdido.

Pablo Neruda

Raaaaarrrrrgggghhhhhh CHILDREN!

Here comes the rant...
Oh man the kids at work are annoying. The way that the Kids' Club is structured is annoying. There is so much I know I could do to make it better, this isn't me being big headed, I promise, it's just all common sense! Take the issue of discipline for example, the kids are badly behaved and the main reason they carry on being badly behaved is because the staff aren't consistent with punishments! Of course they're not going to do as we say if we don't all say the same thing! And what about the fact that they re bored out of their minds half the time because there aren't enough activities and the toys are too young for them and half broken. They get bored and then they run about like lunatics.

Grrr. There's so much I wish I could do to make it better. Have strict cause and effect type consequences for misbehaving to m ake the kids actually learn that what they do actually has an effect on other people. Have a proper lounge area so they can actually relax instead of being just stuck in a classroom. Have plenty of fun activities so they aren't hanging around all day. Oh I have so many ideas and the worst part... I can do absolutely nothing about it. I only work about 12 weeks in an entire year and I really do not think the boss would take kindly to me suddenly taking over her job!

Anyway, one day I'll set up my own Kids Club and it'll be amazing. It's so depressing and heart-breaking in the one I'm in at the moment.

And another one.

Please forgive me. I have no lovely little messages of inspiration about the coming year, or nice anecdotes about the year that's ended. I am feeling total nothingness about the whole 'new year' thing. Anyone who reads this blog regularly may, or may not, remember that last year I complained at people who get all nostalgic at the turn of a new year. I know it's meant to be a big deal and everything, but really, the stroke of midnight is just another minute ticking over in a time that never stops. It is no different from midnight on the 23rd April, or the 15th November, or any other day for that matter.

And yet here we are in 2007. It's just another year. What follows will be more problems, more screw ups, more disappointments, more arguments, more hurts and more tears. Last year was a hard year for me, in fact I can probably say that about most years. There's always something that makes life difficult. I try to be optimistic, really I do. And I know how pessimistic this blog is when everyone else is writing good thought provoking blogs about life. But sometimes I just get to the point where optimism escapes me. The Queen song pretty much sums this all up: "The Show Must Go On."

So I'm just going to try and forget that it's a new year. I just want to concentrate on one day at a time.
Happy New Year.

Family. Family. And more family.

I love all the Christmas things that go on here. I think that every night this week we've had some form of family round, or been to someone's house. I am so fortunate that almost all of my extended family live in Harrogate and especially over Christmas we make a big deal of getting together as much as we can.

When we're together we generally eat and drink and eat and drink some more. And then drink some more and eat some more. Maybe go for a walk inbetween to work up an appitite for dinner! And I love it. Every minute of it.

But with such a close knit family, it has made it so much harder to bare now that there's a crack in it. It is so painful that we are not all together anymore. We're not an even number now. And there are so many wounds that show no signs of healing. Everything that's gone on this year with my family has been so much more pronounced at Christmas and the pain just keeps going on and on. It seems so unfair.

Even though it doesn't affect me directly, the whole thing is hurting us all. And I, as always, wish there was something I could do to fix things. I hate it that most of the problems around me don't have a 'quick fix' solution. Either the answer is long and drawn out and takes alot of time and paitence, or I don't even have a clue where to begin looking for an answer.

Life is so complicated. I wish I were 8 years old again. Then the most complicated thing in my life was whether to wear my blue skirt or my red skirt for dinner at Grandma's.
Time and patience. Two things I am very much lacking.

The Disney Gospel

Did everyone have a good Christmas day? I hope it wasn't too stressful/drunken/boring/argementative etc etc. I had a lovely day, and perhaps for the first time in my life, I didn't eat too much and feel like a stuffed pig all evening!

One thing I got from my parents which I love and think is so perfect for me is a good called 'The Gospel According to Disney. Faith, trust and Pixie dust.' How cool does that sound! It's written by a Jewish man who's exploring the place of religion, morals, and magic in Disney films. I haven't read very much of it yet, but it's very good. He talks about how Walt Disney deliberately didn't include any overt religious message because he wanted to make sure that his films didn't exclude anyone.

And that's where magic comes in. Disney films have very clear morals, they are heavily based on Judeo-Christian values, but there is no divine, there is no God, there are no 'religious' people. But there is magic. And magic is something that is universal. The problem is that when Walt decided to place magic at the heart of his films, he did cut some people off. And there are alot of people that have a big problem with the make-believe and fantasy world that his characters live in.

One of the quotes in the book is as follows: "magic is an attempt to manipulate spiritual forces so that the supplicant gets what he or she wants, whereas in pure religion the individual surrenders to spiritual forces so that those forces (i.e. God) can do through him or her what those forces desire." And for alot of people, this is a problem.

However, as manipulative as magic may be, that's kind of the point. It is magical. It is unreal. It is fantasy. The book says "magic becomes a way to empower the powerless". And then as I started to think about it, I realised this is so true. The stories and characters of a Disney film give something to children. They give them a feeling of strength and of courage. Good always triumphs in a Disney film. The good guy always wins. There is always a happy ending. And children, and in fact anyone who watches the film, can bring this into their real lives.

I don't really think that this blog has a particular point, it's just a bunch of thoughts I have on one of my favourite subjects. I'm liking this book, I think it's going to be really good, and I appologise in advance if I bore you all silly with my opinions on it!

I do hope you all had good Christmases. Do keep in contact with me! x x x

I never saw blue like that before.

Well, I think it is official, and most people would agree. I have crossed the line and lost it completely. I am watching Dawson's Creek and I have just had to dry my eyes because it made me cry. Go on, I don't mind, you can point and laugh. I would be pointing and laughing at myself if I didn't still have wet eyes.

But you see the thing is, I love Dawson's Creek. Not just becasue it is mindless entertainment that I can watch at the same time as chatting to people on MSN on a lazy Sunday that just happens to be Christmas Eve. But it's something more than that. I never watched Dawson's Creek like every other 14 year old I knew and I hated that. It was a paradox for me because I never wanted to be in the 'popular' group at school, I hated those girls because they would make you feel like you'd commited the worst social faux pas just for walking down a corridor. I hated that. But at the same time I always wanted to watch the programs that they did, and wear make-up like they did, and have the latest fashions like they did.

Anyway, I made it through secondary school even though I didn't get a weekly dose of Dawson's Creek, and in Peru it just so happened to be the program that was on at lunch time when we were back at home in between whatever we were doing. And that was it, I was addicted from then on. Dawson's Creek was my 'English fix' as well as my 'chill out' for whenever things were really stressing me out.

And so I say, without any trace of shame, that I love Dawson's Creek. It's so unrealistic that it makes me want to be there. Remember, I'm an escapist. And somehow the story-lines of Dawson's Creek give me something. I like to wrap myself up in their lives, maybe because they are so different from mine. And in some ways they are similar to mine. I like that for some reason.

So there we go, my little explanation of just why I am such a loser.
Next time something makes you smile or makes you feel happy, think about just why becasue I truely believe that there is a loser inside all of us!

Gutted Matt...

Matt so should have won Strictly Come Dancing!
Obviously Mark is an excellent dancer and he's done really well and I'm really happy for Karen etc etc...

But Matt is just so adorable and I think his and Lilia's last dance was way better than Mark and Karen's.

But then I wasn't one of the 12million people who phoned in so I guess I can't really object!
12 million votes! That's incredible. 20% of the population! Unbelievable.

Anyway, well done Mark. Gutted for Matt.
It's Christmas Eve tomorrow, feels like it snuck up quite quietly!

All I want for Christmas....

.... is to get out of your stupid shop.

I HATE Christmas shopping. And I am, of course, aware that in today's society that makes me worse than Scrouge. But really, I hate it. I hate the pressure of finding good presents for people who seem to me to have everything they could possibly want/need/really not want. I hate how crowded town is at Christmas. I hate having to chose between a whole shelf-full of bubblebath/jam/necklaces/whatevers that all look the same to me. I hate how rude other people are at Christmas time, it's like everyone suddenly becomes ultra-selfish. Probably because they too hate Christmas shopping. I hate how many 'gangs' of emos there are in Harrogate. And perhaps most of all I hate the Christmas music CDs they play in shops. No matter how 'cool' he manager may think he is, I am NOT interested in hearing a dodgy 'rock and roll' version of O Come All Ya Faithful sung by fifty 7 year old primary kids.

I mean it's not that I don't like buying people presents, admittedly I am rubbish at thinking of good presents for people, but I do like getting people gifts. I like surprising people (when I finally come up with a good idea) and I like the thought that people own things that I have given them. But I hate Christmas shopping. And that upsets me becasue it's not what Christmas shopping should be about, it should be about getting lovely things for the people you love as a way of showing them that you love them. Why then do I find it sooooo horrible? I almost had a panic attack in the queue in Woolworths today and I always breathe a big sigh of relief when I actually get out of a shop. Strange.

Anyway. I have finished it all now so I just have to wrap it all up. Yay. Another one of my FAVOURITE past-times. And unfortunately one which I don't massively agree with, as tight-fisted as it may sound, wrapping paper is all just a waste of money, time and paper to me. We must use tons of paper as a nation of Christmas. Such a waste because I bet most of it doesn't get recycled. And it's only actually on the presents for a few days at most. It would be better just to blindfold the person you're giving a gift to and then whip off the blindfold when you put the present in their hand. Much better for the environment.

Ah well. Enough mumblings and grumblings from a grumpy, tired and boring old sod. I'm going to bed now. And just for the record, I have wrapped all my presents up, I'm not that mean!
Merry Christmas everyone.

Nearly there.

Well, I am happy to report that I'm feeling a little better today (though I'm fairly sure that's because I'm drugged up to my eyeballs with Lemsip/paracetemol/hot blackcurrant!) and I have ALMOST finished my essays. Yay. Woo. I cannot wait for tomorrow when my marmee is coming to take me shopping.

I read recently on a blog that this person was wishing they could just get on with their life instead of feeling like they were waiting for it all to start. It's funny they should say that because I often feel like that, and I would never have expected this person to feel like that. I sometimes wonder what I am doing with my life, and where I'm going and why. Questions like why am I at university? Why am I studying a course that I enjoy but most likely won't get me a job? Why can't I get married next week? Why am I allowing myself to live such a privilaged life when there's so much I could do to help other people? Sometimes I hate that I have everything I need and want. Mostly I hate it because I know I take it for granted.

I once heard a definition of maturity that I think is very profound. Maturity is the ability to live with the unknown. And yesterday on the Scrubs episode I was watching, Dr Cox told JD that fear is good because it stops you from becoming a crappy doctor, you just have to not let it paralyse you. Both of these bits of advice are very good in answering my questions above. I will never know what is going to happen in 5 hours let alone in 5 years time and sometimes I think it's just better to stop asking questions about the unknown. Because that's the point isn't it, its unknown.

A fear of the future is good, as long as it doesn't paralyse you.
Uncertainty is good, as long as you can live with it and not run away from it.

My life has begun, your life has begun. As long as you're taking air into your lungs, you life has begun. So I guess my point is that we should try to avoid this feeling of waiting for life to start, of waiting for something to happen. Life is what you make of it today, not what you wish could happen tomorrow.

I should take my own advice more often!

Bring on the Lemsip...

Grrrrrr to my body. That's all I have to say today. Why did it have to give up on me now. Seriously, what is it's problem?! Two days more. That's all I needed. Just TWO DAYS TO FINISH MY ESSAYS. I mean come on! It's not hard! I'm not even saying I can't get ill, JUST NOT YET.

RRRAAAAGGGGHHHH.

I dragged my aching, shivering self down to the library to work this morning, managed to stay there for two whole hours which is pretty impressive. And then by the time I got back I felt horrendous. Had a bath, which by the way is the most annoying bath in the entire galaxy because you have to put the hot tap at EXACTLY the right position in order to actually get hot water out. Stupid thing. I boiled a few kettles to help it along.

So the bath was wonderful in the end, felt amazing. All the achiness just vanishes completely. Until you get out... and then BOOM it all comes back again. So now I've had a Lemsip, which hasn't helped at all and I'm about to start writing a 2000 word essay that counts for 50% of my module, which is 3% of this year, which is 0.9% of my entire degree. At least I think it is. And actually, if it's wrong PLEASE PLEASE don't tell me, I get so embarrassed when I do maths wrong.

I want to go to bed. But then I don't because I couldn't sleep last night anyway.
Grrr.
And this is my 100th post too, shouldn't have written something nice..... Oooh, I said Happy Christmasa to the fairies in the tree outside Mary's and they were happy to see me, so that's nice. They haven't gone underground yet which I'm quite surprised about because it's suddenly got very very cold.
Anyway. Happy thoughts.

Kat and Helen's Adventure.

Once upon a time in a beautiful but frightfully cold city called Durham, there were two girls called Kat and Helen. They lived in a lovely house with three other lovely people, but because it was he beginning of the holidays, all the other girls had already gone home to their mummies and daddies. Now today was a special day for Helen because it was the day that she was going to go home to her mummy and daddy. So when she got up in the morning she started to pack all her clothes and books and toys into a bag to take on the train. She was very excited about going on the train again. As the things went into her bag, one after another, Helen realised that she wasn't going to fit everything in this one bag. So she had to get another one. And then another one after that! Helen had a lot of things to take home!!!

The two girls checked that Helen had everything she needed for going home and then they had lunch. After lunch they got ready to take all Helen's things to the train station. It looked quite complicated and they tried a few times to pick everything up before they were both happy with what they were holding. But Helen hadn't realised that her suitcase was so heavy and so she had to ask Kat to help her to pull it up the big steep hill. When they got to the top of the hill they both had very red faces and were struggling to breathe! But it was alright because the way was downhill from then on. Well, almost all the way from then...

Even going downhill wasn't all easy. Kat decided to carry the big bag on her hips because she said that girls are made to carry things on their hips, not on the end of their arms, otherwise they would grow babies on their fingers! Helen thought this was very funny, but later, when she carried the bag on her hip she realised that Kat had been right. It was much easier! Helen's suicase kept getting caught up with lots of leaves and it kept falling over the paving stones that weren't straight. It was very frustrating! But they made it to the bottom of the hill with plenty of time to spare.

Kat carried the big suitcase all the way to the top of the steps in one go and by the time they arrived at the station platform they were both tired out! They had a rest before getting ready for the train to arrive. When it did, Kat helped Helen to put her things on the train before standing well back to wave Helen goodbye. Once the train had pulled out of the platform, Kat walked all the way back up the hill for her tea.

What an adventure!

One down... Three to go...

I managed to make myself write yesterday, and then, miraculously, I kept on writing, and writing, and writing until I finished the essay that I had started. A very good day's work. Onto the next one today!

Everyone is going home soon, it feels very strange that this is it, term 1 of year 2 is (almost) officially over. "Time flys when you're having fun". I always used to wish it was the other way round because I hated how slow time went when I was bored, tired, scared or unhappy. I have always had a habit of taking 'mind photos'. When I'm doing something that I never want to end, I look really hard at it and try to take in every detail as if it were a photograph so I will never forget it.
It kind of half works, but memories always fade, that's in the very essence of a memory. Details always become blurred, sounds become muffled and smells almost alwasy disappear completely until you smell it again and then it's like whooshing through time back to the first time you remember that smell.
I know that I will leave here eventually with some of the happiest memories of my life. But it saddens me that memories are all I will be left with.

Oh dear, this wasn't supposed to be a sad blog. I am very excited about going home for Christmas, and my mum is coming up to Durham next week to take me shopping before we go home. So I'm actually really happy... my hands just took over and typed all that about memories! And I have just thought, a wonderful thing about memories is being able to share them with the people who remember the events also.
Anyway, the rain is LASHING at my window and the wind is literally howling... I am beginning to seriously consider just how important my 11am lecture is going to be...

You can do it....

...come on Kat. You can do it. All you have to do is close down facebook, resist signing onto MSN, open up Word and then close your eyes and type.
Oh no wait, don't close your eyes!
Grrr. Stupid essays.
Come on Kat. Write something!!!!

Meaning.

I know this has been covered so many times by so many people, but I want to write it anyway because for me at least it's something I try to think about and get right.
So, I wanted to write about Christmas. I mean why not? It's not that far away! Christmas means so many different things to each individual, and I think it would be good for everyone and anyone to look at the following list of questions about what Christmas is/should be...

What is 'Christmas' for you?

• A welcome break from a term of studies/a full time job/'normal' life?
• A couple of days of unbareable family traditions?
• A holiday that's too short, but wonderfully full of family and fun?
• A real test at your peacemaking skills when various bitter family members refuse to get on?
• The best food of the year?
• A chance to buy people you love something really nice and get excited about the new things you'll get?
• Too stressful in every way imaginable?
• The only time of the year you feel like you should go to church?
  
• Your favourite time of the year?
• Or something more...?
  

Ok then, so what about Jesus? Even the word Christmas has 'Christ' in it... who is Jesus?

• The grubby looking doll in the nativity in the shopping centre?
• A nice man who told us nice things to do in our life?
• A man who was able to do miracles?
• A good example?
• A nutter?
• Someone who allowed himself to be killed, which admittedly is admirable, but doesn't really achieve anything?
• Or something more...?

I love Christmas. I really do and I think it's my favourite time of the year. I love mince pies. I love Christmas lights. I love mulled wine. I love being with my family. I love the build up of advent calenders. I love singing carols. I love giving presents. I love getting up early on Christmas morning. I love sitting in piles of wrapping paper that you've just ripped off all the presents. I love decorating Christmas trees. I love the cold weather. I love Christmas.

But a few years ago, when I spent Christmas in Peru where they don't have anything like the number of traditions we have in England, I complained and felt totally 'un-Christmassy' because there were none of the things I've listed above. It wasn't a proper Christmas as far as I was concerned.

Until someone reminded me what Christmas is about. It is not about any of my favourite things. Sure those things make it fun, and make it special. But Christmas is all about Jesus. Regardless of who you think Jesus is, Christmas would not exist without him! And so I encourage you, whatever your beliefs or whatever you think about Christianity, or church, or Jesus. Think about what Christmas really is. Christmas is an amazing time of year because it's a celebration of God's amazing sacrifice. He sent Jesus into this world, this messed up, horrible world, so that he could die in our place and set us free from every wrong thing we've ever done. And in my mind, that's a million times more amazing than any amount of mince pies.

Burnt Out

I have given up.
Every three or four minutes I get distracted by something: my screen saver, tidying up, Palatinate, Facebook, staring out of the window just to make sure it looks exactly the same as it did three minutes ago...
I cannot concentrate.
In fact I don't want to concentrate.
Stupid work.

People frequently comment that because our terms are so short, we must be living 'doss' lives. We don't do any work, we just party all day and all night. It's easy to get a degree.
Rubbish.
I'm tired and my brain hurts from reading too much this term.
Stupid second year where everything counts. Be an eternal Fresher, that's what I say!

Roll on Christmas, I'm burnt out.

What do we want....??

RENT FREEZE
When do we want it?
NOW!!!

I figured loads of people would be writing about the protest this morning so I was going to be a little cautious about just spouting out the same stuff as everyone else.... but I just looked and I'm first so I can say what I like. Which, in reality, I probably would have done anyway.

So. Protest. This morning. Got up at 6.30am!!! And shouted about rent freeze and 33 week lets and poor students for two hours outside the Old Shire Hall. Why? You may well ask. I certainly was when the first word out of my mouth at 6.35am after 4 hours of sleep when I realised I'd overslept was certainly not 'yippee'. Well, to cut a long story short(-ish), Durham University is trying to push our residence charges up 10% when they've already gone up 51% in the last five years and are the highest charges in England. This on top of the fact that loans have only gone up 15%... something just don't add up there.

The protest was organised by the fantastic Mildert president (and no I'm not being disloyal to my college, this is the truth, the Mary's president did nothing but walk away) and I reckon there must have been a couple of hundred people... from Mildert mostly, only one other college president in this whole university bothered to email their college telling them of the situation. Which is absolutely and rediculously out of order, but that's not what I wanted to write about.

It got me thinking this morning, and in my lecture this afternoon when we were talking about revolutionist movements that started in universities in South America, about what it is that drives people to make a stand on something. Why did people travel all the way to London to protest on the situation in Iraq? Why do so many people protest about environmentally friendly power station? Or renewable energy? Or worldwide AIDS treatment? Or Fairtrade products? Or the freeing of prisoners?

Or maybe my question should be, why don't people?

I so very nearly didn't go this morning. I thought it was a stupid idea to get up so damn early for something I didn't think I could ever have an effect on. And I didn't really think that I cared. How shameful is that?! How dare I have such a view when perhaps one of the reasons I'm even in university, allowed to vote and given the opportunities I am is because so many people before me stood in protests for hours, shouted till their voices were sore and risked being arrested for what they believed was right. How dare I turn around and say 'nah, I'd rather stay in bed.' ?!

I think we live in an age where people don't care. And I know that's a very blanket statement. And not entirely true: alot of people do care. Alot of people do fight. And alot of what goes on doesn't affect everyone in the same way. But I really think our society needs a kick up the bum. Things do affect us, maybe not today, but tomorrow, next year, when we're 50, when our children are 20, when their children are 20... We are not individuals, we are a community, what we do, (or don't do) does affect other people.

I had my eyes opened today I think. I need to care more. And fight more. Because I am one of the lucky few in the world who actually can.

I'm Back!!!!!

Hey hey hey. Did you all miss me? Yeah I'm sure you did! I have had a wonderful weekend in Center Parcs with my entire extended family and it was just lovely. So fun and relaxing and exactly the same as it is every year. That's one of the best parts about it! But, now I'm in the real world. And I have a question for you, and I really would like answers please! In fact I have two things requiring answers, but one is only silly. This is serious... Someone said to me recently that escapism will only take you so far... and my question is this, is that true? Because obviously I know that when escapism becomes the reality rather than reality itself then there is a problem. But escapism, the silent and individual joy of slipping into another world, or pretending that things are not the way they are in whatever shape or form, I don't think that ever can go too far. Imagining things into reality is a way of life for me. I constantly dream myself into or out of different situations and of course I understand the concerns with leaving reality behind, maybe that's what this person meant. But I really can't see that escapism is bad. If it makes you feel good, how can it be? (Within sensible reason obviously!) It's just an active imagination being put to use!

Anyway, my second purpose of this blog, I have something of a quiz... all the following songs (one line of which is written) have something in common... ten points to the person who gets it first:
"If I lay here, if I just lay here, would you lie with me and just forget the world"
"I'm Luke, I'm five and my Dad's Bruce Lee"
"Now most people think of heaven, and they see those pearly gates"

That's it, I'll give you an easy one if no-one can get it!
Enjoy. xxx

Flustered.

Well, seems that some of you found out some things about me from my last post that you didn't know before! But anyways, I'm sure there'll always be things that not everyone knows, it's better that way.

So. I don't have very much exciting news today. I am going to Center Parcs tomorrow, something that I just cannot convey the excitement for. I can hardly contain myself I am so excited. I keep squealing and jumping up and down. This is my favourite weekend of the entire year... and this year Tim is coming too. I can't think of anything better.

But that wasn't what I wanted to say really. I wanted to comment on something of my personality that I find quite rediculous and funny. I guess that to begin with it's a funny thing to find yourself funny but never mind, we shan't dwell on that. The thing is that I sometimes get very flustered and everything seems wrong or 'vexing'. Twice in the past few days I've suddenly gotten myself all flustered and worked up. Today I got back from my lectures having been out all day and I was windswept and cold, ad my hair was a mess and my trousers were wet and muddy round the bottom and I was cross because I don't ever like those trousers and now I know why. And then I couldn't get my jumper off because it was too tight and I was too hot and in the end I just crumpled on the floor on the landing and declared I was staying there all evening. Which I would have done but Heather stood on me!!! :(

The reason I'm saying this is purely because I think it's funny. I get all worked up and then nothing is right and I can't make it right and I get cross and then I stamp my feet and I moan and complain... and none of it is real I think it's just my way of, well I don't know what of really! It's just an oddity of me!

I'll let you all know how my weekend goes! Be safe, be happy and don't get flustered!

FORTY FIVE MINUTES LATER!!!!

Full Name:: Katherine Joy Yarborough
Birthday:: 19th September
Birthplace:: Macclesfield
Eye Color:: Blue/green/grey
Hair Color:: Dark blondish/brown
Height:: 5'7''
Weight:: 9stone
Right handed or Left handed?: left
Your Heritage:: British
My Worst Habit:: picking my fingernails.
Zodiac Sign:: Virgo
Shoe Size:: 6
Pants Size:: 8
Innie or Outie?: Innie
Parents Still Together?: Yes
The Shoes You Wore Today:: Black boots
Your Weakness:: Chocolate, pianists
Your Fears:: being attacked
Your Perfect Pizza:: chicken and sweetcorn
Goal You Would Like To Achieve This Year:: shave all my hair off!
Your Most Overused Phrase On An Instant Messenger: lol
Thoughts First Waking Up:: I'm not capable of thinking in the morning
Your Best Physical Feature:: my bottom!
Your Bedtime:: When I'm tired.
Your Most Missed Memory:: New Zealand
MY FAVORITES
Favorite color?: red or orange
Food?: fried breakfast
Sport?: I don't do sport. Ever.
Animal?: Lion
Ice Cream?: Ben and Jerry's Phish Food
Candy?: fizzy cola bottles
Store?: erm... Monsoon, though I've never bought anything there!
Salad Dressing?: My Grandma's rasperry vinegar thing
Actor?: Johnny Depp, Colin Firth, Nicole Kidman
Song?: So many... You Belong to Me from Shrek
Letter?: K
Number?: Anything even
Gum?: I hate gum
Holiday?: Yearly Center Parcs trip
Season?: Autumn
Toothpaste Flavor?: Mint. Anything else is wrong!
Radio Station?: Radio 1
Perfume?: I don't like perfume.
Scent besides perfume?: freshly cut grass, baked bread
Body part on the opposite sex?: Back
FRIENDS AND LIFE
What Do You Want To Be When You Grow Up?: I don't want to grow up.
How Do You Want To Die?: Dramatically.
Which One Of Your Friends Acts The Most Like You?: I don't think any of them do.
Who's The Loudest?: Helen
Who Makes You Laugh The Most?: Everyone!
Who Have You Known The Longest?: I think Sarah
When Have You Cried The Most?: I don't know I cry that often!
What Is The Best Feeling In The World?: forgetting everything around you and just being totally happy, performing in a concert/play/anything
Worst Feeling?: letting yourself down, disappointment
Where Do You Want To Live When You Grow Up?: in the countryside.
If You Could Change One Thing About You What Would It Be?: more self confidence
How Long Do You Think You'll Live?: Not a clue!
FINISH EACH SENTENCE
Let's walk on the: top of the wall
Let's look at the: sea
What a nice: cup of tea
Where did all the: flowers go?
Why can't we: fly?
Silly, little: boys.
Isn't it weird that: we can only ever see the world through our eyes. You can't borrow someone elses.
Never under any circumstance: judge me.
I wish: upon a star.
Everyone has a: heart.
I am: rediculous.
HAVE YOU EVER
Been In Love?: yes.
Mooned Someone?: um....
Been Rejected?: yes.
Ran Away From Home?: no
Skipped School?: yes
Thought About Suicide?: no
Slept Outside?: yes, I love it!
Laughed So Hard You Cried?: yes
Cried In School?: yes
Thrown Up In School?: no
Wanted To Be a Model?: not really.
Cheated On Someone?: no, never.
Done Something Really Stupid That You Still Laugh At Today?: oh plenty!
Seen A Dead Body?: no
Drank Alcohol?: yes
Smoked?: yes
Been On Drugs?: no
Eaten Sushi?: no, but have eaten raw fish
Been On Stage?: yes I loved it!
Gone Skinny Dipping?: oh yes! Would love to do it again!
Shoplifted?: Don't think so!
Been Drunk?: Yes, but not very often
Been Called A Tease?: No
Been Beaten Up?: No
DO YOU
Swear?: generally no
Sing Well?: I don't know about well, but I sing.
Shower Daily?: yes
Want To Go To College?: Already have done
Want To Get Married?: YES!!!!!
Believe In Yourself?: Occasionally
Get Motion Sickness?: Nope
Think You Are Attractive?: Sometimes I look quite pretty.
Get Along With Your Parents?: Always
Like Thunderstorms?: Oh yeah! Awesome!
Play An Instrument?: Flute, saxaphone and singing. Wish to the end of the earth I played the trumpet.
Own An IPOD?: Nope, a Zen
Pray?: All the time
Go To Church?: Yes
Sleep With Stuffed Animals?: Yes!
Keep A Journal/Diary?: Yes
Dance In The Rain?: I love dancing in the rain!
Sing In The Shower?: Yep
THIS OR THAT
Pepsi or Coke?: Coke
McDonald's or Burger King?: Neither
Single or Group Dates?: Single
Chocolate or Vanilla?: Chocolate
Strawberries or Blueberries?: Both
Meat or Veggies?: MEAT! I am such a carnivore!
TV or Movie?: Movie
Guitar or Drums?: Guitar
Adidas or Nike?: Neither
Chinese or Mexican?: Chinese, but only if I'm in the right mood
Cheerios or Corn Flakes?: Cheerios!
Cake or Pie?: BOTH!
MTV or VH1?: MTV
Blind or Deaf?: Errr... what which I'd prefer to be? I think deaf.
Boxers or Briefs?: boxers
CAN YOU
Do The Splits?: No.
Write With Both Hands?: No, lefty all the way!
Whistle?: Yes
Blow A Bubble?: yes
Roll Your Tongue In A Circle?: yes
Cross Your Eyes?: No
Walk With Your Toes Curled?: Yep have just tried!
Touch Your Tongue to Your Nose?: No
Dance?: Yes
Eat Whatever You Want And Not Worry?: Yes
WHO WAS THE LAST PERSON
You Touched:: errr.. I don't know, probably one of my housemates or someone I brushed past in the street!
You Talked To On The Phone:: Sarah Trickey
You Hugged:: Nicola
You Yelled At:: I haven't yelled for a long time
You Played A Sport With:: That must actually be years ago!
WHAT'S THE LAST
Time You Laughed?: Last night watching a video on Nicola's camera...
Time You Cried?: Sunday night
Movie You Watched?: Lord of the Rings The Return of the King
Flavor Of Gum You Chewed?: No idea was so long ago.
Joke You Told?: Guess who I bumped into in Specsavers yesterday? ... everyone!
Song You've Sung?: Am singing along to Shape of My Heart by Sting right now.
RIGHT AT THIS MOMENT
Where Are You?: Sitting at my desk
What Can You See Out Your Window?: Trees
Are You Listening To Music?: Yes
What Are You Wearing?: cord skirt, tights, green Durham hoodie
What's On Your Mousepad?: Laptop
BELIEFS
Do you believe there is life on other planets?: I don't think so, but I don't really know
Do you believe in miracles?: yes
Magic?: yes
Love at first sight?: no, attraction
God?: Yes
Satan?: Yes
Ghosts?: No
Santa?: errr....
Evolution?: yes
IN A BOY...
Fav Eye Color:: Brown
Fav Hair Color:: Dark
Short or Long Hair:: either, and long as its good
Height:: taller than me.
Weight:: Don't mind.
RANDOM
What Country Would You Most Like To Visit?: Alaska
Number Of CD's I Own:: Loads
Do you have tattoos/piercings:: Yes.. one tattoo and 3 piercings
Your Good Luck Charm:: don't have one
How many pillows do you sleep with?: 1
Do you drink milk?: No, but I do have it on cereal
Person You Hate Most:: I don't hate anyone.
Most Outdated Phrase:: cool
Do you think God has a gender?: No
Where do you think we go when we die?: depends on our beliefs.
How many rings until you answer the phone?: As long as it takes till I get there
What is something scientists need to invent?: Something to make guys experience everything a girl does when she's on her period. They just do not get it.
Are you a health freak?: No!!!
Are you a virgin?: Yes
If you could travel into space, where would you go?: Space!
What is the worst weather?: Drizzly rain that's neither here nor there.
Did you play with Barbies as a child?: No, I had Cindy and Sylvanian Families!
How many grades have you failed?: None

Appologies if this is boring. I like doing them, and it's a great way to waste 45 mins when you don't want to work!

Learn to Love.

Every single human being needs love. And I'm not talking about some flimsy, fantasy thing from an over played pop song... "all you need is love". I'm talking about real love. Love that sustains, love that encourages, love that provides, love that respects, love that builds up, love that forgives. All you need to do to find out what happens to someone when they have no love in their life is look at the terribly tragic stories of neglected children, beaten wives, abused boys, poverty-stricken families with no-where to go. We cannot survive without love, and yet love is something that has become so 'dumbed down' and 'over-rated' in our society today. So many people place more importance on possessions than relationships. On good sex than mutual respect. On fancy holidays than emotional support. I could go on.

How many times do we see real, true, open, raw examples of love? Sure we occasionally read a nice story in the news about someone rescuing their loved one from the side of a glacier in Iceland (I really hope they have glaciers in Iceland or Tim will point and laugh at me...) But my point is, when was the last time you saw someone sacrifice themselves for the sake of someone else? When was the last time you saw someone get hurt to save someone else? When was the last time you saw a true demonstration of love? In fact, come to think of it when was the last time you demonstrated just how much you love someone? I can say that I love Tim every 20 seconds, but unless I show it, it means nothing.

Our world has become so loveless in so many ways. Love is not insipid. It is not a romantic song, or a flower, or an expensive necklace. Love is real. Love is hard work. Love is patient. Love is kind. Love doesn't get angry. Love doesn't get jealous. Love doesn't boast. Love always protects. Love always trusts. Love always hopes. Love always perseveres. When was the last time you experienced love like that? Or showed someone you loved them like that?

In the end of it there are only three things: Faith. Hope. Love. And the greatest one of these, is love.
(From the Bible: 1 Corinthians 13.)

"The greatest thing you'll ever learn, is just to love. And be loved in return."

Something to think about...

You mustn't look at God in the light of your circumstances, but you should look at your curcumstances in the light of who God is.

Before I'm 30...

I'm going to write my list of the things I want to be before I'm 30 just to lighten the mood, I feel things have got too serious for me. It frightens me!
Oh and btw I realised that 'before I'm 30' equals only 9 years!!!

I want to...
- make a Bishop's hat talk, it looks like a beak!
- shave all my hair off, to raise money for charity
- squish a banana on my glasses
- do a parachute jump
- break a bone in my body (other than my toe which doesn't count!)
- get more qualified than Tim! (which basically means I'll have to do a PhD!)
- go to Alaska

I think that's pretty much it for now. It's not massively exciting, just some things I want to do! Swimming with dolphins would be on but I've done that, as with getting a tattoo, did that too!!! (for a picture, go to www.myspace.com/steelpaintbrush and go to the pics section, mine's the word 'joy' on the sole of my foot) Oh and skinny dipping was on it, but I did that in Peru!

So I'll keep you posted as to whether I do them!

the grass is always greener...

... no not just a good Travis song, but also a very true saying.

Since my last post (for which I am very grateful for the encouraging comments I received though I hope people know I wasn't scrounging for compliments...) I have been thinking about some of the things I said. I commented that most of the time I wish I was someone else. And it's one of those things where you could all tell me you love me the way I am until you're blue in the face, but I will always have a hard time believing it.

But anyway, I got to thinking (and thanks Nicola for our conversation earlier!) and I'm sure that this is no revelation or rocket science, but I reckon that no matter who I was I would want to be someone else. You know, I don't think that 'me' is the problem. I think the problem is much deeper than that and is much more of an insecurity in who I am, no matter who I am. If you see what I mean.

I don't know about other people, but I get the feeling with myself, that it really wouldn't matter who I was, I don't think I'll ever be happy with myself. I really truely do not want sympathy from this, and I know that there are lots of people who love me. I know there are lots of people who would say they want to be more like me and that's great, I like to hear things like that, of course I do, everyone does! All I'm saying is that I don't know if I'll ever be able to believe it in my heart.

I guess this is all abit open and honest and raw. For all that I talk alot and tell people alot, I don't think this is something I've often said. I don't totally know why I'm writing it all here, maybe by seeing it all written down I can learn to get over it... or maybe someone else will take comfort from knowing they aren't the only one to dislike themselves. I know that everyone has parts of themselves that they wish they could change, and in all honesty I have no idea what the solution would be to this. Maybe that's another one of my problems though, I'm always looking for solutions, and just maybe Kat, somethings can't be fixed.

??????

Do you ever wonder why you are the person you are? Not just who you are... but why. What factors have made you into the person you are today. What did you parents do/believe that gave you the beliefs you have today? What kind of background do you have? Do you agree with it or did you rebel against it? Why did you have the kind of friends you had? Why do you have the kind of friends you have now? Was it all by accident? Or did you deliberately fashion youself the way you wanted to be? Or the way you didn't want to be?

If you could, would you completely swap your life for someone elses? Who? Why? Or maybe would you change a few things about your life? Or keep it the same? Maybe you wish you were cooler? Or richer? Or more daring? Or less stupid? Or more intelligent? Or less intelligent? Maybe you wish you'd 'been there and done everything'? Maybe you wish you hadn't...?

I don't really know where all these questions have come from and it isn't at all what I intended to write today... but I was just thinking about all the millions of little details, people, beliefs, societies, etc etc etc that have come together to make each one of us the person we are today. In all honesty, most of the time I wish I was someone else. I look at all the different people around me, my friends, people I admire, people who I barely know and wish I was more like them in one way or another.

Usually it helps me to think that the God I believe in is so big and so perfect that he doesn't make mistakes, and so for one reason or another, He made me turn out exactly the way I am today on purpose. I have so many problems and faults and issues and fears and dislikes with myself, but if God is all-powerful, which I am totally convinces He is, then I guess it should comfort me that He loves me just the way I am... Interesting things to think about.

Have a bath...

This blog really is not going to contain anything deep, meaningful or philosophical. I just wanted to say how amazing baths are. I just had one, it was so hot it took me a full five minutes to be able to sit down in it. And then I lay there, drinking hot blackcurrant and listening to classical music, letting every thought in my mind slowly drift away.

Of course, as soon as you get out everything comes back to you and hits you in the face like a cold custard pie. (don't swollow any of it or you will gag.)

But for that half hour you are doing absolutely nothing but enjoying the heat of the water in the bath, for that half hour, everything is perfect.

So I mean it. Go and have a hot bath. It's wonderful.

Sleep

Does anyone think that sleep is over-rated?
I hear a most of you cry 'no' indignantly. Well, to be honest, up until recently I would have agreed with you. I used to love sleeping, I loved being warm in my bed, staring at the ceiling, and I loved that feeling in the morning when you wake up and you're all warm and cosy and you remember that you don't have to get up so you roll over and go back into a blissful dose...

Well, as I've written above, I used to love that. Now, all of a sudden, for the past week or so I haven't been able to sleep. I can't get to sleep and I wake up too early because I'm too hot, or I can't switch my mind off, or I have nightmares, or my bed's too uncomfortable, or I just won't fall asleep. I have no idea why, and even the other day I took a pyraton (not sure how to spell that) to make me drowsy... no to effect.

It's not like I'm getting no sleep at all at the moment, but sleep is not longer fun and no longer something I want to do, which seems pretty sad to me. Especially when I've always been the kind of person who can fall asleep within 30 seconds of my head touching the pillow. I know that some people sufer their whole lives with being unable to sleep and I feel kind of guitly for being such a good sleeper all my life!

But now I'm sad because I can't sleep well anymore.

What pushes your buttons?

In a wonderful and enlightening book called 'Perspectives' (a wonderful thing to have btw!) by a guy called Colin Creel, is a quote from another guy called Howard Hendricks. It goes like this:

What makes you pound the table?

And yes, this is an American book. But this is something I thought I'd include here. Dr Hendricks is helping someone to find out what their calling in life is. What kind of career they should follow, and he asks all kinds of questions to find out what the guys loses sleep over. What it is that makes his blood pressure rise, what stirs his soul. What he's PASSIONATE about.

We're all getting to the stage where we start thinking about what we're going to DO with the rest of our lives. All those years that stretch out for seemingly infinity, just blank and empty and waiting to be filled with something. Anything. Does it terrify anyone else that we're pretty close to the stage where we will start making decisions that not only affect the next few years, but will shape the contours of our entire lives. It sure as hell scares me!

But what Colin Creel is getting at is that we must look to our passions to figure out what to do with our years. What stirs your soul? Do that! What makes tears well up in your eyes when you think about it... Do it! What makes you pound the table? Do that! We will be satisfied when we let our hearts live out our passions.

I have two final questions that I think are worth alot of thought...
1. What is the greatest risk of pursuing your dreams? Is it worth it?
2. What is the greatest risk of NOT pursuing your dreams? Is that worth it?


nb. material for the above largely taken from Coliin Creel 2005 'Perspectives' it is not plagurism!

Perspective

Ok, I know that this is unoriginal, but the dictionary definition of perspective is as follows:

6.the faculty of seeing all the relevant data in a meaningful relationship: "Your data is admirably detailed but it lacks perspective."
7.a mental view or prospect: "the dismal perspective of terminally ill patients."

Perspective is a slippery concept at the best of times. You could always argue that because of our very nature, our subjective, selfish nature, perspective is virtually an impossible thing to achieve.
I think that perspective, and by that I mean a rational, sensible outlook on your life, is one of the most difficult things to achieve but by no means impossible.

Maybe I should explain myself a little more. This week, I lost perspective. I lost all sense of reason and rational about my life. Everything went wrong, and in my head, because I had not a shred of perspective, everything was a thousand times more wrong that it actually was.

Gaining a little perspective on things is not easy. For me, it had to be written down in front of me. I had to be told what to do and when to do it. But suddenly, that act of not only taking what's in your head, out of your head and putting it on paper, but also talking to someone else about what's in your head (ok so maybe not ALL of what's in your head!) brings you back into focus with the world.

I know I'll lose perspective many many more times, it is in my nature to panic. Unfortunately for me. But what is fortunate for me is that there are plenty of people around me to remind me to breathe and to help me struggle back into a sense of reason. If anything makes sense from this blog I want it to be this. Never, ever draw away from the people around you completely, because if you're like me and you can lose perspective with people around you, I am not joking when I say you will actually go mad if you are on your own. Let people into your life, and keep the perspective.

Are you happy?

It may sound like a silly question, but how often do you actually think about it? I find myself going through day after day not actually consciously thinking about if I'm happy or not.

So this evening, while I am sitting here unable to see from laughing so so so hard at Eddie Izzard, this evening I am going to ask you that simple question. Are you happy?

If you aren't happy, why are you not happy?
When are you the most happy?
What makes you happy?
What could you do/what could happen to make youself happy?

I'm not being so naiive as to imagine that all you have to do is think happy thoughts and you'll be able to fly to Neverland, I know that life is sometimes crap and there's nothing you can do about it. But very often, in my own experience, when we at least try to find reasons to be happy, it is possible to make a fair amount of the crapness not seem so bad.

SO. Are you happy?

Uphill?

I know it has been a long long time since I wrote anything, the reasons being 1)lack of Internet and 2)lack of time and 3)lack of inspiration.

But now I am back and I have something to write about! Yay.
Everyone who's ever set foot in Durham know just how hilly this lovely place is. And this year, as we're living all those miles away in Scotland... oops I mean Neville's Cross we're feeling the effect of The Hill more than ever. Just the other day when Nicola and I were walking back from the Loveshack (great place!) at around midnight I think I was thinking about this hill that we have come to know if not yet to love.

Nicola pointed out, as we were willing our legs to move us forward, that when you're going up a steep or long hill, you focus all of your thoughts on getting to the top. Everything within you is willing yourself to get closer and closer to the top where you will finally let out a deep sigh and enjoy the downhill you've come to.

I was wondering if people sometimes see their lives as a big uphill trek. I know we sometimes say life feel like we're pushing a steam roller up a hill, or something to that effect, but I was referring more to that focusing of everything you have on getting to the top. On getting to the end. On reaching your destination. Does everything you do point towards one single goal? Do you long for a certain event/situation to materialise? Is this a good way to live? Well, I suppose it depends what your destination is and whether it's worth slogging uphill for. But one thing I know for certain is that when you are forcing yourself up a long and steep hill, you wouldn't do it for no reason. So it certainly wouldn't be worth slaving your life away for no reason, or for a bad reason.

Just a few thoughts.

The Waiting Game

What is anticipation to you? Because it seems to me that sometimes anticipation is a good thing, and sometimes it is the worst thing in the world... perhaps better labelled here as 'dreading'.
I wonder if you enjoy the anticipation before a birthday for example, the build up, the present list... the knowledge that on such and such a day you are having a party and you begin to plan out what you will wear, how you will do your hair, what food there will be etc etc. Do you enjoy that kind of anticipation?

What about when it seems that anticipation is just making an already bad thing much worse. I remember the second time I had to have impressions done of my teeth after my brace was taken off. The first time was aweful, I gagged, the dentist told me to shut up and it was perhaps the worst sensation in my mouth ever. Even worse than custard. But the second time?!?! It was pure hell. I knew exactly what to expect and as the appointment date got nearer and nearer I just about lost it completelty. And you know that people try to convince you that you remember things much worse than they actually are... I discovered they only say that to try and stop you panicking. It was just as bad if not worse because of all the anticipation. What do you think of that kind of anticipation?

And then I wondered whether somethings in life are only good experiences because of the anticipation. There is a slightly different angle here from my first thought because a birthday would be fun even if it were a total surprise. But what about those things that you count down so excitedly, each day crossing off the date on the calender getting closer and closer to that date you've circled in red biro... Would Christmas be as much fun without Advent? What about a holiday without all the pre-holiday preparation?

My final thought was whether sometimes when you're waiting for something you can't have yet and it feels like 'bad' anticipation because you're not just excited about an event but you're willing the days to go by thus wasting the 'here and now', whether when you finally get to where you wanted to be the waiting will have been worth it. I don't know if that makes any sense but here's a slightly trivial example. (Some of you may have guessed this isn't the thing that triggered off these thoughts of 'the waiting game')

A few years ago my parents bought me a beautiful woolly coat in November to be given to me at Christmas. It was, and is absolutely gorgeous. So unusal and warm with that lovely smell you get with proper wool. I wanted it soo badly there and then, the weather was pretty grim and I didn't have a coat anyway so I pestered my parents constantly to give it to me. Of course they refused; it was a Christmas present to be opened at Christmas. Full stop. Anyway, when Christmas finally arrived and I finally got this coat I'd been dying to have for over a month, I was dead chuffed. I reckon I could say I'd wasted time going on at my parents to give it to me when I know they wouldn't but did that change the happiness I got on Christmas morning when I opened it?
I honestly don't know. But what I do know is that sometimes I love waiting for things to happen, and sometimes it just totally sucks.

Happy Bifday to Me!

Just had to say, thank you to everyone wishing me a happy birthday... meant to much to have so many texts and Facebook comments. Thank you! I had a lovely day and am beginning to come to terms with the oldness of 21!

I'll udate again soon with something more interesing, but right now I have to go and pack up my entire room of stuff into one suitcase. (Is it just me or does that sounds totally, logically and physically impossible?!?!?!)

Love to you all. xxx

Tangible.

tan‧gi‧ble  /ˈtændʒəbəl/ Pronunciation Key - Show Spelled Pronunciation[tan-juh-buhl] Pronunciation Key - Show IPA Pronunciation

–adjective
1. capable of being touched; discernible by the touch; material or substantial.
2. real or actual, rather than imaginary or visionary: the tangible benefits of sunshine.
3. definite; not vague or elusive: no tangible grounds for suspicion.
4. (of an asset) having actual physical existence, as real estate or chattels, and therefore capable of being assigned a value in monetary terms.

–noun
5. something tangible, esp. a tangible asset.

So, it seems that something that is 'tangible' is something that really exists, something that you can touch something that is not suspicious, something that has physical existence. This whole idea of something that is 'real' isn't actually as simple as it may seem. Because how are you proving that that thing is 'real', as opposed to imaginery, or fictional?
If you say all that is real is able to be touched, what about emotions... you can't touch jealousy or happiness or fear... but if you were experiencing any of those things you certainly would say it was real.
What about saying that something is real if it seems logical... but when a bumble bee flies around it seems to defy all laws of physics in actually taking off from the ground, but you wouln't say it wasn't real.
Maybe something is real if you can see it, we often say we don't believe things unless we see them with our own eyes... but when someone tells you about something that's happened in their day, you tend to believe them. Of course unless they say something like they'd been eaten alive by a savage wolf...

I know this isn't rocket science and I can't even remember the fancy-pants terms for all the different kinds of proof etc. My point is simply just that 'real' is actually a difficult concept to define, and I know that I often dismiss things as not being real... things that people tell me, feelings that I have... maybe it sometines is worth thinking quite carefully about what real is, and what is real to us by whatever definition we want to use. It seems to me that though it's a pretty difficult thing to pin down, it's also a pretty important thing to get to grips with!

nb. Tim said I should write this blog on 'tangible' so appologies for whatever you make of what I came out with!

Sveden!

Tim and I just got back from our cheap little mini-cruise to Sweden. It was certainly random, but I had a lovely time. We didn't really do much! lol but I had a really great time. Lounging around on the deck of a ship with just the ocean and the sun... I loved it. It was quite an amusing paradox of the beautiful scene I just described... paralled with the hilariousness of our cabin. 'Cabin' being the operative word here. About 3foot square, below the car deack... and the sea level, gaps above and below the walls to circulate the air, noisy Japanese tourists next door... priceless!! Actually no, not priceless, but very cheap!

Still, lovely times, I love the sea. It's hypnotic for me, in any form. Day or night. I could just stare at the sea for endless hours. It is yet another reminder to me of how amazing my God is for creating it all.

Retail Therapy

How and why does it really work? Seriously, all you girls out there, when you are feeling really down and just a little bit rubbish, buying something really truely does help you to feel better.
Surely that's a really stupid thing, that parting with your well earned money for something that may be pretty but certainly isn't essential and will probably get thrown out in a couple of months when fashions change... it actually makes you feel like things are ok again. I am right aren't I ladies?

I just got back from town with my mum who announced just before lunch "I feel really down and I need to buy something" So off we went to town where she's shifted a hefty lump of cash. And now she's all happy and smiley and trying on all her lovely new clothes for my dad... who in turn is sitting on the sofa, trying to watch Crocodile Dundee occasionallynodding and uttering the required "yes dear" after any question. I swear that I am not being stereotypical here. Ok well, maybe I am, but those stereotypes have some grounding you know!

I just don't really understand how and why retail therapy really does honestly make you feel better when you're down. I don't get it. But it sure as hell works for me!

look at the sky.

seriously, no matter how you are feeling, looking at the sky is always amazing. It doesn't matter what the sky looks like... cloudy, rainy, sunny, blue, grey, night-time, foggy, starry... anything. The sky is always beautiful and somehow by looking up it takes you out of your little world and into something much bigger, much more peaceful and much more beautiful.

My mum used to say this to me to remind me how you can look at everything from two sides (at least!)

Two men looked out through bars
One saw the mud, the other saw the stars.

Rumours of another world...

There is an article in this month's Reader's Digest (oh yeah I'm cool) about Near Death Experiences and whether they can offer us any kind of proof about life after death. Dr Melvin Morse, one of the most prominent researchers in this feild has said that sometimes it seems as though the universe itself is preventing him from finding answers to his questions. He says that labelling this area of study a 'grey area' is the best answer we can give.

I recently had a conversation with a very close friend on a similar topic. She was saying that she's terrified of dying because she says that no-one can ever really know what will happen after we die. She thought that even people with the strongest beliefs could never know 100%. She was positively shocked to discover that my mother, father and myself are all totally sure of what will happen after we die.

You see for me it makes sense. I believe in the God of Christianity as a God of unending and unconditional love. I believe that God loves me, and I believe that there are lots of things that prove this to me. (But that's a different discusion!)
I also believe that my dad loves me. And because I know that he lvoes me, I tend to believe the things he tells me. So if my dad says we're going on holiday to France next year, I would believe him. He's never done anything in my life to make me doubt his word so I have no reason not to believe the things he says.

So you see, this God that I believe in loves me more even than my dad does so I believe in a life after death because that's what it says in the Bible. I believe the Bible to be true because I have never had any reason to doubt what it says. It's all believable and truthful as far as I'm concerned. So when it says in the Bible that there is an eternity of life with God for those who love him and accept Jesus as the saviour of the world... I believe it.

There are loads of references to heaven in the Bible, but here are just a fwe to demonstrate why I believe so confidently where I'm going when I die...
Luke 10v20 'rejoice that your names are written in heaven'
2 Corinthians 5v1 'We know that if the earthly tent we live in is destroyed, we have a building from God, an eternal house in heaven built not by human hands.'
Philippians 3v20 'but our citizenship is in heaven.'

For me, this is anything but a grey area.

Important Decisions

I'm thinking of buying an ethically made hoodie to replace my Mary's one because I don't like the fact it's made by Fruit of the Loom who I recently discovered to be unethically making their clothing in Mexico. And I was thinking the other day what it is that pushes us to make decisions. Of course the answer is 'many things'. Decisions are made by things that interest us, people who inspire us, events that influence us (these aren't all deliberately beginning with 'i'!) and of course our beliefs, passions and personalities. The thing is though, that all these things are selfish. We chose a film to watch because we like it, we pick out clothes because we like them, we eat food because we like it, we go on holiday to a certain country because we want to go there. In an ordinary day, I wonder just how many decisions, even down to the tiniest little thing, are made totally selflessly. How many times can you say "I did that completely for someone else, there was nothing in it for, and in fact I actually lost out because of it".
Of course philosophers have argues over the centuries whether it is even possible to do something completely selflessly and whether we are actually inherently selfish beings. But this is something that I think about alot. I once read a reccommendation, to do at least one thing every day for someone that they don't know about, it's teaching a lesson in humility because most of the things we do for other people are in reality done with at least a partial aim for acclamation.
Everyone knows that I get all passionate and excited by Fairtrade and ethical trading, I can't help it, it's something that interests, inspires and influences me and of course I struggle to understand why people wouldn't be passionate about it. But of course we're all different people and we all get moved by different things. The thing is, I think we all need lessons in selfless acts, because, seriously, how difficult is it just to work out what your actions do to someone else, even and perhaps especially if you will never meet that person.

I am sorry if this comes across as judgmental or 'fairtrade-bashing', two things I have been acused of doing in the past, and two things I desparetely don't want to be. I just felt that I needed to be straightforward and say what I think. I would never judge anyone else on their decisions, that really isn't my place. But I want people to know what moves me to make my decisions. That, truely and honestly is the only aim of this blog.

5 reasons...

why hamsters are rubbish...
1) they are incredibly boring, you cannot interact with a hamster and ours never even goes on its wheel.
2) after about one week on not cleaning the cage, they smell really really gross.
3) they wee. everywhere, and for such a small animal they have a surprising amount of wee.
4) you can't even hug a hamster, you'd probably squish it.
5) seeing as they aren't much fun alive you might think they'd be good to eat, but they're so small and scrawny it wouldn't be worth it.

so there, hamsters are officially rubbish. well at least by my dodgy logic!

the little things...

...that make it all worth while.

I was thinking today how funny it is that usually it's the really tiny insignificant events that happen when I get home from work that get me through work. Let me explain, a few days ago, every third thought throughout the day was about getting my new mp3 speakers that mum was picking up for me in town. Another day I spent the whole day looking forward to the bottle of wine that I knew my dad would be opening at tea time. I bought some really nice new knickers the other day, and I always get excited about wearing them. It's like the Lighthouse Family song "whatever gets you through the day.... that's your way"

But then I've always been like that, getting exctied about little things that no-one else really knows or cares about. For example, every birthday I make sure that I wear my favourite pyjamas, that I have some really nice underwear, that mum gets in my favourite cereal for breakfast and so on and so forth. It may sound like I'm a simpleton, but I prefer to look at it that I'm easily pleased by things that aren't a big deal, and so it's easy to make me happy!

Escapism

I am an escapist, self confessed. Sometimes I wish I wasn't because so often I struggle to face reality. But usually it means that I can get away from whatever is going on around me by imagining myself somewhere much better. Sometimes, however, no amount of imagination can take me away from where I am. Today was a day like that.
It didn't start off brilliantly when I went to get a parcel from the Post Office... the most un-navigable place in Britain, and the most un-helpful staff in the world. But anyway, then I get to work to discover that I'm actually working till 6.30pm rather than 5.30. And with the most disrespecful, ungrateful, rowdy bunch of kids in the universe. I tried all day to see them through better eyes, and to remember that the God who loves me loves them just as much... but by the afternoon when they were fighting, answering back, swearing and chucking stuff around I just gave up. Even thinking about my holiday which I'm so looking forward to couldn't take me away from them.
Then, to make matters worse, the text I sent home to let them know i was going to be late didn't get through, and apparantly my brother needed the car at 6pm. So I had a fairly nasty phone call from him at 6.10pm.
I'm tired, worn out, fed up... and I have to do it all again tomorrow. I just wish I had the power to imagine it all away.

Hello hello again...

well, Stage Fright is over and done for another year. How strange it feels to have 'been there, done that' already. Stage Fright is always such a highlight of my year and anyone who has ever been part of a holiday camp will know something of how it feels.

'Emotional rollercoaster' is a phrase I often use to describe SF, it's hard work, frustrating, exhausting, emotional, fun, hilarious, tiring, rediculous, unorganised and so full of God it's just incredible. I am sad to be home again, but then if we didn't have the end, we'd never have a beginning. I know that's the most obvious and pathetic thing to say, but there we have it.

Now I'm home for another two weeks of fun fun fun at work. Maybe I'll think of something remotely more profound before long!
Hope everyone is well.
x x x

Welcome back to me....

... appologies for my major lack of communication recently, have been very busy as I explained, but at least now I have the Internet working again (thanks Tim!) So here I am again, thought not for long, I'm going to Stage Fright tomorrow, somewhere near Lincoln. Woohoo exotic or what?! But actually I am really really excited about seeing everyone again. So that'll be fun, I have a nice big bag of dressing up clothes at the ready, so be waiting for plenty of crazy photos!

Last weekend I went with Tim to Chester to visit a school friend who's there doing an engineering placement thing, and it was really fun, but I had an interesting train journey there, just something I thought worth writing about. I have mentioned I know before about the Great British public (or is it that great British Public..?!) and certainly I experienced something of what my mother terms "the World War II Spirit" on the way. I hate train stations, I don't mind trains as much, but I really hate train stations. People are rude, and unfriendly and far too wrapped up in their own selfish worlds to ever acknowledge anyone else. But then make something go wrong, and suddenly everyone works together! It's bizzare!

In my case the 'something to go wrong' was a cancelled train. My stomach dropped right down to my toes when I heard that dreaded announcement... "the 11.34 train to Llandudnoe has been cancelled" full stop. No appology, no alternative.. it's just cancelled, vanished in to thin air. Great. Anyway, after discovering a few other people in my same predicament we all worked out which train to get instead and it was fine. But the atmosphere changes so dramatically as soon as anything goes wrong. People chat to each other, find out where they're going, talk about the one thing they have in common at that moment in time... the rubbish English train system...

I guess that's the point really isn't it... a random sea of faces at a train station have nothing in common. But a group of people all trying to find a cancelled train do have something in common. They have two things in common, a common need and a common hate! This is what my mum means by World War II Spirit, people open up and work together when they are faced with a need or danger. Of course I'm not comparing the experiences of a World War and a cancelled train! Simply drawing a parallel between the way people react to adversity, no matter how small it may be. And again I'll say it, I am glad to be British. Obviously not all the time... and I'm certainly not proud of alot of things associated with us and our country. But in essence it's not a bad place to live!

i'm still here...

...for anyone who may chance to read my blog, i haven't written for so long for three reasons:
1) i was in chester last weekend
2) couldn't get the internet to work until today when tim fixed it for me
3) have been working like a blue arsed fly.

but i will update before stage fright, that's a promise.
kat