I know that I am relatively intelligent, but when it comes to politics I feel like Little Miss Stupid. I don't know anything about British politics, who is who, what each party stands for, what all the big long words mean... I'm not being modest here, I genuinely have no clue. I thought Prescot's first name was Ian. And even though I now know it's John, I still couldn't tell you who he is or what he does.
In an effort to educate myself on the matter, I'm fed up of feeling stupid when anyone mentions the 'p' word, I have been searching the internet for information. This would be all well and good, if the websites didn't presume that I already know everything about everything. Even typing 'I don't know anything about politics, HELP ME!' into Google didn't help much.
Anyway, the point of all this was that I found these definitions that I thought were pretty funny. And much more entertaining than trying to wade through Prime Minister's Question Time. I'm sorry if I come across as dumb, but I don't care. It bores me. I know it shouldn't because it affects me, and I have a responsibility to vote, and to know what's going on in the country... but unless someone wants to use small words to explain it to me, I don't care.
This is funny though:
Politics confuses a lot of people and bores even more but one thing is for sure, we need them so here is a list describing each politic in Layman's terms:
A CHRISTIAN DEMOCRAT:
You have two cows. You keep one and give one to your neighbour.
A SOCIALIST:
You have two cows. The government takes one and gives it to your neighbour.
AN AMERICAN REPUBLICAN:
You have two cows. Your neighbour has none. So what?
AN AMERICAN DEMOCRAT:
You have two cows. Your neighbour has none. You feel guilty for being successful. You vote people into office who tax your cows, forcing you to sell one to raise money to pay the tax. The people you voted for then take the tax money and buy a cow and give it to your neighbour. You feel righteous.
A COMMUNIST:
You have two cows. The government seizes both and provides you with milk.
A FASCIST:
You have two cows. The government seizes both and sells you the milk. You join the underground and start a campaign of sabotage.
DEMOCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE:
You have two cows. The government taxes you to the point you have to sell both to support a man in a foreign country who has only one cow, which was a gift from your government.
CAPITALISM, AMERICAN STYLE:
You have two cows. You sell one, buy a bull, and build a herd of cows.
BUREAUCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE:
You have two cows. The government takes them both, shoots one, milks the other, pays you for the milk, then pours the milk down the drain.
AN AMERICAN CORPORATION:
You have two cows. You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised when the cow drops dead.
A FRENCH CORPORATION:
You have two cows. You go on strike because you want three cows.
A JAPANESE CORPORATION:
You have two cows. You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. You then create clever cow cartoon images called Cowkimon and market them World-Wide.
A GERMAN CORPORATION:
You have two cows. You-engineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.
A BRITISH CORPORATION:
You have two cows. They are mad. They die. Pass the shepherd's pie, please.
AN ITALIAN CORPORATION:
You have two cows, but you don't know where they are. You break for lunch.
A RUSSIAN CORPORATION:
You have two cows. You count them and learn you have five cows. You count them again and learn you have 42 cows. You count them again and learn you have 12 cows. You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.
A SWISS CORPORATION:
You have 5000 cows, none of which belong to you. You charge others for storing them.
A BRAZILIAN CORPORATION:
You have two cows. You enter into a partnership with an American corporation. Soon you have 1000 cows and the American corporation declares bankruptcy.
AN INDIAN CORPORATION:
You have two cows. You worship both of them.
A CHINESE CORPORATION:
You have two cows. You have 300 people milking them. You claim full employment, high bovine productivity, and arrest the newsman who reported on them.
AN ISRAELI CORPORATION:
There are these two Jewish cows, right? They open a milk factory, an ice cream store, and then sell the movie rights. They send their calves to Harvard to become doctors. So, who needs people?
AN ARKANSAS CORPORATION:
You have two cows. That one on the left is kinda cute.
Wednesday, June 25, 2008
Thursday, April 24, 2008
New Stuff
Well well well, it's a loooooong time since I wrote a blog, I feel quite out of practice. This isn't going to be a proper blog though because the reason I stopped writing so often still stands, I don't really have anything else to say. I am aware that this has not stopped me in the past... but I figured no-one was really bothered to read about nothing and I couldn't be bothered to write about nothing!
So why am I writing now? Mostly just so the poor old blog page doesn't feel neglected. But also because some new stuff has been going on since... errr.. Christmas:
1. We had a fancy dress party last term and I went as a pirate (of course). It was fun.
2. I have actually begun to vaguely enjoy watching football... the effect of six years with Timothy Marjoribanks and being the good girlfriend and going with him to match after match. Last night I went to see Man-U-Barca and almost got lynched. The barnam spilled my beer all over me too when Barca almost scored. Was funny.
3. I am coming back to England in just over 5 weeks and I am mucho excited.
4. I have no more time to write now because I have to go to a class that I am fairly sure will be unbelievably frustrating as I watch the teacher exercise almost no discipline over the students who will be paying absolutely no attention to her and acting as if she massively inconveniences them every time she interrupts their conversations to ask a question. It's a shame because she's a lovely person.
5. Bye.
So why am I writing now? Mostly just so the poor old blog page doesn't feel neglected. But also because some new stuff has been going on since... errr.. Christmas:
1. We had a fancy dress party last term and I went as a pirate (of course). It was fun.
2. I have actually begun to vaguely enjoy watching football... the effect of six years with Timothy Marjoribanks and being the good girlfriend and going with him to match after match. Last night I went to see Man-U-Barca and almost got lynched. The barnam spilled my beer all over me too when Barca almost scored. Was funny.
3. I am coming back to England in just over 5 weeks and I am mucho excited.
4. I have no more time to write now because I have to go to a class that I am fairly sure will be unbelievably frustrating as I watch the teacher exercise almost no discipline over the students who will be paying absolutely no attention to her and acting as if she massively inconveniences them every time she interrupts their conversations to ask a question. It's a shame because she's a lovely person.
5. Bye.
Tuesday, December 25, 2007
Christmas. Duh.
Christmas. Duh.
It's almost the end of Christmas Day. I know everyone will have had such different days. I don't actually want to say anything in my own words. I am going to acknowledgingly steal someone else's words that are beautiful. These are the words of Jamie, from an organisation called To Write Love On Her Arms:
Much of life is a gift: Friendship. Laughter. Community. Conversation. Hope. Love. We hope this Christmas, and in the days that follow, that you get some time to appreciate the greatest gifts, to mourn for things gone missing, to begin to let go where you need to, and to fight for the things you're supposed to.
We're part of a surprising story. Bigger than ourselves and older than time. It is a redemption story.
Merry Christmas. It's all about love. x
It's almost the end of Christmas Day. I know everyone will have had such different days. I don't actually want to say anything in my own words. I am going to acknowledgingly steal someone else's words that are beautiful. These are the words of Jamie, from an organisation called To Write Love On Her Arms:
Much of life is a gift: Friendship. Laughter. Community. Conversation. Hope. Love. We hope this Christmas, and in the days that follow, that you get some time to appreciate the greatest gifts, to mourn for things gone missing, to begin to let go where you need to, and to fight for the things you're supposed to.
We're part of a surprising story. Bigger than ourselves and older than time. It is a redemption story.
Merry Christmas. It's all about love. x
Tuesday, December 18, 2007
Wednesday, December 12, 2007
What I have discovered.
I didn´t blog last week because I had nothing to say.
This week isn´t much different. I had a great weekend in Santander with Oli and Hannah, but when I thought about writing down what we´d done it didn´t really sound so exciting. So I´m not going to bother.
Instead, I´m going to tell you a few things that I find interesting about life here. You might not find them interesting. Tough, I´m writing them anyway.
1. At the gym, when we have to hold our arms straight out to the sides at shoulder level, they call it "cruz". As in, "put your arms in a cross". Evidence of the deeply ingrained Catholicism.
2. You know that stupid, (but hilarious) program "Takeshi´s Castle"? The one with Chinese people making tits of themselves... well here it´s called "Humor Amarillo" i.e. "Yellow Humour". Not bothered about political correctness then.
3. Skinny jeans here are called "pirate trousers". I found that funny.
Have a nice week. 10 days until I´m home! Woop.
This week isn´t much different. I had a great weekend in Santander with Oli and Hannah, but when I thought about writing down what we´d done it didn´t really sound so exciting. So I´m not going to bother.
Instead, I´m going to tell you a few things that I find interesting about life here. You might not find them interesting. Tough, I´m writing them anyway.
1. At the gym, when we have to hold our arms straight out to the sides at shoulder level, they call it "cruz". As in, "put your arms in a cross". Evidence of the deeply ingrained Catholicism.
2. You know that stupid, (but hilarious) program "Takeshi´s Castle"? The one with Chinese people making tits of themselves... well here it´s called "Humor Amarillo" i.e. "Yellow Humour". Not bothered about political correctness then.
3. Skinny jeans here are called "pirate trousers". I found that funny.
Have a nice week. 10 days until I´m home! Woop.
Wednesday, November 28, 2007
Peinado. (Hairstyle)
Right. Well, this is going to be short because to be blunt, I haven´t got anything to say! Just two things mainly.
First. Went to get my hair cut yesterday... I´m not sure that the desired outcome of going to the hairdressers is for the client to walk away in hysterics because of the way her hair turned out... but that´s pretty much what happened! I was prepared for it to be an amusing experience... it´s hard enough even in English to explain to a hairdresser how I want my hair, so I didn´t go in with the hightest of expectations.
To begin with I had it washed of course, and when she was combing it out she just caught the back of my conch piercing (that´s the one in the middle of my right ear for those of you who don´t know!) I must have flinched because she asked if she´d hurt me. I said no don´t worry, and then she looked and said "ah, it´s because you´ve got these" and proceeded to POKE my ear really hard! I felt like saying "well NOW you´ve hurt me you stupid woman!!!"
When I was asked how I wanted it cut I just said "a little bit shorter, but not too much, the rest is up to you." I think that´s one of the best side effects from having been completely bald.. I don´t actually care if my hair gets mucked up, it´ll grow out. Oh, and I did remember to tell her about the tattoo before she freaked out and thought I had some kind of strange skin disease.
Anyway, cutting was fine, it looks really nice and I´m really pleased with it. The funny part was when I was given my options for how I wanted it styled. "Straight, or straight with the ends flicked out". Those are my only two choices?! I just told her to do what she thought would look best, I was going to wash it out as soon as I got home anyway.
So out comes the hairdryer and the big scary brush and I´m subject to burning and pulling around until I eventually look like this:
(sorry facebook readers, you won´t see the photo I don´t think. I look stupid!)
I came away killing myself laughing. It´s all gone back to normal this morning when I washed it so it´s fine now!
The second thing I wanted to say was how I realised this morning that the word "temperature" is actually really difficult to say! It is pronounced nothing like it´s written and for the poor Spaniards, the combination of letters is probably the most difficult for them to say! We repeated it about 60 million times this morning!
Anyway. That´s all from me, nothing else is happening at all. It´s sunny today and I´m coming home three weeks on Friday.
Love and bugs.
First. Went to get my hair cut yesterday... I´m not sure that the desired outcome of going to the hairdressers is for the client to walk away in hysterics because of the way her hair turned out... but that´s pretty much what happened! I was prepared for it to be an amusing experience... it´s hard enough even in English to explain to a hairdresser how I want my hair, so I didn´t go in with the hightest of expectations.
To begin with I had it washed of course, and when she was combing it out she just caught the back of my conch piercing (that´s the one in the middle of my right ear for those of you who don´t know!) I must have flinched because she asked if she´d hurt me. I said no don´t worry, and then she looked and said "ah, it´s because you´ve got these" and proceeded to POKE my ear really hard! I felt like saying "well NOW you´ve hurt me you stupid woman!!!"
When I was asked how I wanted it cut I just said "a little bit shorter, but not too much, the rest is up to you." I think that´s one of the best side effects from having been completely bald.. I don´t actually care if my hair gets mucked up, it´ll grow out. Oh, and I did remember to tell her about the tattoo before she freaked out and thought I had some kind of strange skin disease.
Anyway, cutting was fine, it looks really nice and I´m really pleased with it. The funny part was when I was given my options for how I wanted it styled. "Straight, or straight with the ends flicked out". Those are my only two choices?! I just told her to do what she thought would look best, I was going to wash it out as soon as I got home anyway.
So out comes the hairdryer and the big scary brush and I´m subject to burning and pulling around until I eventually look like this:
(sorry facebook readers, you won´t see the photo I don´t think. I look stupid!)
I came away killing myself laughing. It´s all gone back to normal this morning when I washed it so it´s fine now!
The second thing I wanted to say was how I realised this morning that the word "temperature" is actually really difficult to say! It is pronounced nothing like it´s written and for the poor Spaniards, the combination of letters is probably the most difficult for them to say! We repeated it about 60 million times this morning!
Anyway. That´s all from me, nothing else is happening at all. It´s sunny today and I´m coming home three weeks on Friday.
Love and bugs.
Wednesday, November 21, 2007
Update from the Spanish Front
Well hello.
How is everyone? I am doing just fine, and have infact had quite a fun week so far. Let me fill you in since whatever-it-was day last week that I wrote before.
So. Last Friday. I went to the gym again, not really wanting to because I was tired and aching, but decided that since a)I´d paid and b)it´s good for me, I would go. It turned out to be absolutely hilarious. The teacher made it known to all the others that I´m English and they kept asking me how you say things in English, and they were all really friendly. As for the class itself... it can only be described as "baffling". At one point she told us all to get these long sticks, then said we´d be singing in English, then everyone went to the centre of the room and put the sticks together in a point, then some people starting singing this chanty thing and doing a kind of hopping-type dance, and then they all burst out laughing. I have no idea what that was about.
You know how there´s a kind of stereotype for middle-aged women who go to the gym to escape their annoying children and nagging husbands and to be all young and girly again? Well, it´s not just a stereotype. It´s true. They couldn´t stop laughing at the fact we had to do pelvic thrusts lying on our backs. But then again, neither could I! And as is becoming quite common, at the end of the class the lights were turned off and we all gently stretched to Unbreak My Heart. This included lying upside down in a foetal position. The most surreal experience of my life! And I´m going again tonight!
The weekend was chilled out and lazy. I went out to buy the paper on Saturday morning (the Torygraph I´m afraid, but the only one I can get in English, plus I like the crossword!) I made my first attempt at chocolate brownies... mixing the ingredients in a pan because I don´t have a mixing bowl and guessing what 100g of butter is because I don´t have scales. Needless to say they turned out abit rock hard! But trial and error is the way forward, I am going to try them again this afternoon. I want to give them as a present to the German beggers here. At least I think they are German, they said something that sounded very much like "danke" when I gave them bread last week.
On Sunday I went with a friend of a friend to a new church, which I loved. I have never felt so welcomed among strangers. As soon as I walked in the door I was greeted with a fierce hug by a woman I felt sure I should know, but don´t... I guess this may have freaked some people out, but it only made me feel really wanted and at home. There are quite a few English speakers there which was nice, and I chatted to lots of new people. I´m looking forward to going again next week. It does take me almost 3 hours to get there... but totally worth it.
Monday and Tuesday this week have been quite artistic. We watched Miss Potter at the weekend (in Spanish because we always do, but then I re-watched it in English because I really wanted to hear Ewan McGregor´s real voice!) and I was inspired to paint and draw. Ha ha ha I hear you laugh, yeah I know I´m not the most artistic person in the world, but it´s fun, and no-one has to see what I "create". Using that word in it´s loosest of meanings!
Other than that, my friends, life here is pretty quiet and steady. Nothing majorly exciting to report. I have been buying Christmas presents though which IS very fun. Oh and something which I find really funny about living here... individual houses don´t have their own rubbish bins for collection, what happens here is that you take all your household rubbish and recycling to "communal" bins in the street. You can´t imagine how aweful I feel doing that, it being illegal in England and all. I feel like I should be going with gloves and a balaclava it feels that wrong! But hey ho, when in Rome and all that jazz.
Well, this is too long and probably boring by now. Tootle pip.
Ugh can´t believe I just typed "tootle pip". And look, I just did it again. Loser.
How is everyone? I am doing just fine, and have infact had quite a fun week so far. Let me fill you in since whatever-it-was day last week that I wrote before.
So. Last Friday. I went to the gym again, not really wanting to because I was tired and aching, but decided that since a)I´d paid and b)it´s good for me, I would go. It turned out to be absolutely hilarious. The teacher made it known to all the others that I´m English and they kept asking me how you say things in English, and they were all really friendly. As for the class itself... it can only be described as "baffling". At one point she told us all to get these long sticks, then said we´d be singing in English, then everyone went to the centre of the room and put the sticks together in a point, then some people starting singing this chanty thing and doing a kind of hopping-type dance, and then they all burst out laughing. I have no idea what that was about.
You know how there´s a kind of stereotype for middle-aged women who go to the gym to escape their annoying children and nagging husbands and to be all young and girly again? Well, it´s not just a stereotype. It´s true. They couldn´t stop laughing at the fact we had to do pelvic thrusts lying on our backs. But then again, neither could I! And as is becoming quite common, at the end of the class the lights were turned off and we all gently stretched to Unbreak My Heart. This included lying upside down in a foetal position. The most surreal experience of my life! And I´m going again tonight!
The weekend was chilled out and lazy. I went out to buy the paper on Saturday morning (the Torygraph I´m afraid, but the only one I can get in English, plus I like the crossword!) I made my first attempt at chocolate brownies... mixing the ingredients in a pan because I don´t have a mixing bowl and guessing what 100g of butter is because I don´t have scales. Needless to say they turned out abit rock hard! But trial and error is the way forward, I am going to try them again this afternoon. I want to give them as a present to the German beggers here. At least I think they are German, they said something that sounded very much like "danke" when I gave them bread last week.
On Sunday I went with a friend of a friend to a new church, which I loved. I have never felt so welcomed among strangers. As soon as I walked in the door I was greeted with a fierce hug by a woman I felt sure I should know, but don´t... I guess this may have freaked some people out, but it only made me feel really wanted and at home. There are quite a few English speakers there which was nice, and I chatted to lots of new people. I´m looking forward to going again next week. It does take me almost 3 hours to get there... but totally worth it.
Monday and Tuesday this week have been quite artistic. We watched Miss Potter at the weekend (in Spanish because we always do, but then I re-watched it in English because I really wanted to hear Ewan McGregor´s real voice!) and I was inspired to paint and draw. Ha ha ha I hear you laugh, yeah I know I´m not the most artistic person in the world, but it´s fun, and no-one has to see what I "create". Using that word in it´s loosest of meanings!
Other than that, my friends, life here is pretty quiet and steady. Nothing majorly exciting to report. I have been buying Christmas presents though which IS very fun. Oh and something which I find really funny about living here... individual houses don´t have their own rubbish bins for collection, what happens here is that you take all your household rubbish and recycling to "communal" bins in the street. You can´t imagine how aweful I feel doing that, it being illegal in England and all. I feel like I should be going with gloves and a balaclava it feels that wrong! But hey ho, when in Rome and all that jazz.
Well, this is too long and probably boring by now. Tootle pip.
Ugh can´t believe I just typed "tootle pip". And look, I just did it again. Loser.
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